Does that ever go through your head?
Not if you got in a car accident or something happened that was completely out of your control. What happened to me was in my control and I will live with chronic dibilitation nerve pain for the rest of my life because of one foolish decision.
My life is upside down right now and the biggest reason is that I LOOK fine. Nobody sees the on-fire nerves that constantly bite at my feet, cause migraines, and sap every ounce of energy from me. Consequently they look at me like, "yeah right, you can't work. Faker. You go to church. You go to the grocery store. You cook meals for your family..."
As I was searching for information on the subject of chronic pain to print so my family might better understand what it's like, I found this website and read Val-Mac/Valerie's blog. God bless you Val, you may have saved my life this morning. I was just at the end of that proverbial rope, ready to let go. I actually laid in the bathtub last night picturing what it would be like to have my life slowly bled out. I could never slit my wrists because I have a low pain tolerance. Yeah, me living with chronic pain and a low pain tolerance.
I haven't taken any kind of pain meds for a number of years because I was on so much dope I almost did commit suicide. The drugs made me crazier than living with pain. When I lived in a drug induced lackluster zombie like existance I did nothing and ate a lot of junk food, gained a lot of weight and loathed myself.
My pain is from a botched back surgery. I had the best surgeon in southern California. Many said he was the best in all of California. Some across the country said he was the best in the nation. He's the guy all the teaching hospitals invite to teach other young orhopedics how to get the job done.
I'd suffered with chronic, albeit managable, back pain since my early twenties. It wasn't until long after I'd had three back surgeries that I realized my initial pain problem was an emotional response to my life. I was in a bad marriage, had a history of being abused and I was a great "stuffer." I had the ever optimistic outlook, never thinking of the bad things of the past, denying that anything from my childhood could possibly affect me as an adult. I refused to go there. I thought I was being stoic. I thought I was invincible.
What initially began as muscle spasms in my low back deteriorated to swollen disks eventually as a result of doing things a woman's body is not meant to do. At least not one who wasn't in the gym every day. I was an energetic go-getter and danced all the time but I didn't have the muscle tone to be lifting the kinds of heavy chemical containers I did when I was in the Air National Guard. I did plenty of other foolish things that fed the process until the cartilege finally deteriorated and bulged enough for a couple of surgeons to say I needed to have them removed and fused. I KNEW in my gut I shouldn't do it. One of those strong, gnawing gut reactions that told me not to do it. But most everyone around me said, "you better have it done or you'll end up crippled." Except one sweet man from my church who every Sunday said, "Annie, don't do it."
For me it is a matter of self respect to look my best in public (even if it is a bad pain day) although, I am now considering not doing it when I go to the doctor.....
Dear Annee,
I am a 56 year old woman who lives with similar type pain 24/7. You came to the right web site. There are a wonderful group of people with similar pain who support each other via this site and a forum called the Daily Grind. It is under managing chronic pain, Off topics. I was at the end of my endurance mostly because of feeling so alone. Non of my friends or family understand the constant pain and as you say........I look ok. Sure, I do the grocery shopping. I have to survive. They don't realize that I can't shop in a large grocery store because the extra walking puts me in bed for several days.
Your writing was beautiful. I am so sorry for your pain. You have been through so much more than I have and your information about all your surgeries has helped me to be more confident in the NON surgeries (although I have had many in my life) for the futur. Bless you for writing.
This group of about 10 people are so wonderfully supportive. They have changed my life. I found them in September and I write almost everyday. I hope you will take a look at us. We don't always right about our medical situations. It is more a way of getting things out on a daily basis and supporting others with their issues of the day.
I wish you relief. If you want to write to me directly, just click on my picture and send a private message.
Gentle hugs,
Dockside (Deb)
i wont go into my troubles,they are however much the same of all of you..we are an elite group of people. not every one is like us? think how different we are compared to all those who jog,power walk qand ride bikes for fitnes. i get my fitness going doctor to doctor,10years now failed fussions,shoulder replacements and much more,bowel difficulty,you know the routine...i take 90mg of morphine, and 400mcg of aqtiq,it helps,make it a little more tolerable. i was already to "jump" then i found out i was to be a grandfather!now i live for her,makes things a bit better,so keep on goint through the hell we are in and sometimes a beutiful thing rears its head and makes things a little better for a little while?