It's My Own Fault and I Should Have Known Better...

The first surgery Dr. Garfin did a laproscopic procedure to remove only the protruding disk material and fused the spine at the L4-L5 levels. It did nothing to relieve the pain.

After a year of recovery and therapy and tons of Percoset, he decided to do a 10 hour procedure to remove all of the cartilege between the L4 and L5 vertabrae and insert "cages" in the space, adding rods and screws along the sides to stablize it. when I awoke, I had lost the use of my left thigh and right ankle. I was terrified. They nicked a nerve scraping bones spurs off my spine. I was permanently damaged.

A year later he took all the rods and screws back out, thinking they were putting pressure somewhere because the pain and sciatica continued.

All the medications they put me on literally made me insane. I was on Neurontin to chase away the fire ants crawling all over my feet keeping me awake at night. Percoset for continuing back pain which also made me nauseous. Celexa for depression. Vioxx for arthritis. And, here's the kicker. I tell my doctor I'm on too many meds and can't think straigtht so he ADDS another drug to help me focus!

I tried to get off all that crap by myself over a few weeks and got really sick, having to go back on everything and then wean off over a period of about 6 months.

Praise God, I was able to recover some use of my thigh and ankle so I'm not wheelchair bound. I can't hike or dance like I used to love to do. I have a floppy foot that has caused many falls and a bad hip that now has to be replaced. I'm 52 years old and feel like I'm 80.

I feel much better emotionally being off all the meds for a number of years now. I do have to take ibuprofen every day now because of my hip. The replacement will be in March or later. Somehow I have to survive this screaming pain until then. To make matters more interesting, I have Hepatitis and taking ibuprofen every day is really hard on my liver. But it's either that or wake up screaming several times a night and lose my mind from lack of sleep.

It feels like I can't win. The truth is, I can live with the pain, as much as it sucks. What I'm having the hardest time living with is the lack of understanding from other people who think I'm just playing dead. I just want to scream. Sometimes I do. this morning I was beating my head against a wall (thank God no one was around to see/hear me) screaming, "why don't you just die? No one cares anyway!"

Now mind you, I know that's not true. I have a great husband. I have wonderful friends. But I don't tell everyone what I'm going through on the inside because that old stoic idiot inside me doesn't want people feeling sorry for me. I can't win!

We ended up with a rental property sort of by accident a few years ago and thought it was an answer to all our financial prayers. Until it turned into the worst nightmare imaginable. The people who lived there for over two years abandoned the place, and it was completey trashed. From top to bottom, wall to wall, everything was damaged. EVERYTHING. I have never seen such property abuse in all my life - inside and out. We spent 11 months and tons of money (credit) to get it fixed up so we can rent it again until we can afford to sell it (we'd lose money if we tried to sell it now.) We had to try to do the work ourselves and because of my disabilities, I would go in and work for a day and then just collapse for a week. We finally had to hire someone to do the work and he bailed on us leaving stuff half done and making a further mess in the process. The nightmare continues. So my husband and I are back in there trying to get it all done - we finally have some renters. Praise the Lord they're helping with some of the work because they want to buy the place in a year. Still I go over there and scrub for a few hours and come home so painfully exhausted I just wish I'd die.