Day to dat EX-istance

Isis

8/21/08 7:59pm

I also suffer with chronic pain and every day is a struggle. I use several modalities to assist me in dealing with chronic pain. For example, I pray/meditate every day, do deep breathing exercises, I listen to relaxation/meditation music and I try to keep a positive outlook in spite of the pain. I have good days and bad days. I've come quite a long way from being bedridden. I am so determined to beat this that I can't stop fighting and doing everything that I can to try to improve my quality of life. I've not been able to work for over 4 years and have endured 4 surgeries in the past 3 years. I've not ruled out alternative therapies (i.e. Reiki, a japanese healing art which uses the Universal Life Force through laying on of hands by the practioner). It actually made a difference. I watch positive programs on television/movies--avoiding all violent movies/programs. I've found that watching comedy has helped me because laughter releases endorphines to help block the pain. I've been eating healthy (no sugar, processed foods, etc); lots of cherries (which reduce inflammation in the joints), blueberries, vegetables, fruit, drink lots of water and I use a juicer to make my own juice. Water therapy has also been a life saver. I'm not able to do upper body exercises using my arms, but I can put on a floatation belt and "jog" in the water. Afterwards I get in the hot tub and relax for a few minutes. It gives me temporary relief, but I'm thankful for any relief.

Yes, I am a lot of EX's as well, and believe me it wasn't easy transitioning from being a very active person to losing all my independence, but I'm taking baby steps to gaining some of my independence again...one day at a time. I've found myself crying tears of joy at being able to accomplish the smallest task (i.e. pouring a glass of water). It was difficult not to think of all the things I used to be or used to do, but I've changed my way of thinking to all the things I am thankful for that I can do. I'm grateful to wake up every morning and see the sun shining through my window even though I am in pain. With assistance, I start the day with heat therapy/ice therapy/medications/stretching exercises/prayer/deep breathing and keep going with everything I've got. "EX", please don't give up. Be encouraged. I hope that you're able to utilize some of what I have been doing to help me to cope with the pain. Keeping you in prayer.

tjhelser

8/22/08 7:23am

Thank you for sharing your elegantly written post. I am so pleased to see that someone else seems to have a handle on her/his life as it is now. It's not an easy thing to accept that your life as you once always knew it is now gone, dead to you. But you seem to be doing an amazing fine job of accepting and moving on.

I taking a very casual informal poll just for my own personal use to find what others are doing to get their focus changed.

Maybe if you have time you'll read my post about Coloring the EX-ME out and the old me back in. I'd love to include your post but would wan your approval first.

hanks again for sharing and i hope to hear from you again

~ Tj ~

can contact me at tjhelser@aol.com

tjhelser

8/22/08 7:11am

Hello out there back~~~I no what you mean and really like the misspellings. Good be eyecatcher for sure.

Your post put my mind to work by rewinding back to my time of my own ex- itting during a time of ill health and frustrating times.At times like these it's vitally impotant to find a creeative side to ourselves and use it with abandon. No rules, no right way, no wrong way, it's the doing it that is all that really matters. There are so many delightfully "easy to learn" things to do. Or,even better is if you all ready have a creative outlet and can start right away. Even coloring a child's color book is a blast from the past and that took my focus completely away from my pain That Fast. Once the focus is gone the pain isn't, BUT, it sure is a whole lote easier to cope with and you just did something fun for yourself too.Spend a few minutes with a box of crayons (must be crayons, for scent, take you right back to your children, being a kid yourself, and before you know it you're gone into another world with glorious colors that you make do anything you want a color does.

We do lose our identities for sure and we also lose who we were and wanted to be. Gone! Just like that your life as you once took for granted and enjoyed with no repercussions to your health is no longer the case. That person is gone. This chronic illness and chronic pain effects our lifes in ways we won't often talk about but really benifit when we do.

When we are so overwhelmed by what is happenning inside our bodies and we're frightened, we are frightened,ithe pain goes up and the isolation goes up as well. I know this, I do this. Unfortunately at times. I have had to learn to use that color book trick when I am so wound up anything more would be too overwhelming to tackle at the time. It works so well though,

It's simple really because it is only focus at work here. We focus only on ppain, illneess, fear, doctors, operations, etc.. and we become a mess. Now take me who will focus on creativity and using my hands and my focus on the creating. Suddenly my pain level has come down when I focused on it, I know.. not supposed to focus on my pain,.. but that is a habit I am learning, just as it was a habit I had learned to focus on the pain, though not a helpful habit.

I am curious as to what different people do to get out of feeling so focused on their illness and syptoms, and how they get unfocused on their illness/symptoms. Whatever it is they get out of it, What and how do others get our of their "EX-LIFE" Would you think about? And then would you be willing to write and share with me and others in the chhronic pain world?

Try coloring in an Archie & Reggie colorbook? Strawberry shortcake your idea if fun?

My favorite are of fairies and gnomes

Whatever you find that helps change your focus from something disturbing like untractable pain, or any thing that may be disturbing your life please take a moment and let me know how this little experiment of mine is going.

You may request a copy of my casual poll when I have it all compiled as a report.

Thank you for your help and for the idea to share with others this technique I use.

tjhelser

tjhelser@aol.com

PhiltheNelson

8/22/08 10:56am

What ever you want is OK by me. Use my post if you want. I have nothing to hide.

I have a problem other then the pain. But that will remain secret. However I have a number of things to keep me busy. I have recently started with the old fish keeping again, Computers are fun of course, including silly games on the wii and the Nintendo DS by myself and with her who should be obeyed. I also have an astronomical telescope or two to look at the sky and dream of space travel. I also could read for britain if it was an olympic event. In fact I will try anything to distract me when need arives. The worst time is when you wake in the early hours. Too late to take sleeping pills, but too early to take the methadone.... That is one reason why I am hoping for the implant to happen sooner rather than later. I have even, on one occasion, pulled my toe nail off when lying in bed, as it took my mind of the pain elsewhere. However I quickly learned that that upsets the boss and it soon comes back to haunt you. Self harming is silly and not the sort of hobby I would recommend. LOL.

I always try to keep a positive outlook, but it can be difficult sometimes. That is when a nice fantasy or Sci-fi comes into it's own.

Any way thanks, all and one, for the replies. But most of all thank you sundry.

PS I am trying to get myself a sense of humour as someone told be that it can help

tjhelser

9/11/08 10:59am

I AGAIN FIND MYSELF RESPONDING TO YOUR POST. THERE IS SOMETHING WONDERFUL IN A SUPPORT SYSTEM LIKE THIS AND THE PRIVACY GIVEN BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THIS TECHNOLOGY.

IT HAS BECOME APPARENT TO ME THAT I ALSO HAVE THE WORST TIME IN A 24 HOUR PERIOD EARLY IN THE am WHEN I CANNOT CONTINUE ON WITH THE ELUSIVE SLEEP BECAUSE MY PAIN LEVEL SPIKES. I CAN GET ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, LONELY, AND OF COURSE DEPRESSED.

I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH CHRONIC PAIN FOR 25 YEARS AND AM A "LIFER" TOO. MY PAIN NIGHTMARE STARTED (1984) WITH TWO TINY IMPLANTS PUT IN MY TEMPORAL MANDIBULAR JOINTS TO CORRECT A PROBLEM FROM DISEASED JOINTS. POST-OP I REMAINED SYMPTOMATIC AND WAS TOLD THERE WAS NOTHING MORE THEY COULD DO FOR THE CHRONIC MIGRAINES, EAR ACHES, MUSCLE SPASMS, NOT BEING ABLE TO OPEN MY MOUTH, AND THE LIGUID DIET.

IN 1991 THE FDA RECALLED THE IMPLANTS DUE TO A VERY HIGH NUMBER OF FAILURES,THE IMPLANTS WERE DISINTERGRATING IN THE TM JOINTS LEAVING BONE RUBBING ON BONE ONCE AGAIN. WHEN MY SURGEON WHEN IN TO REMOVE MY IMPLANTS THERE WAS NOT MUCH LEFT TO REMOVE. THIS TIME CARTLIDGE FROM THE BACKS OF MY EARS WERE FASHIONED INTO THE TINY DISC SHAPE NEEDED TO CUSHION THE JOINTS AND AS FAR AS I KNOW ( FROM LAST PICTURES) THINGS ARE AS GOOD AS THEY WILL EVER GET IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

THE PAIN HAS NEVER GONE AWAY AND NOW I HAVE A REJECTION ISSUE DUE TO THE MATERIALS (TEFLON & SILASTIC) FROM THE IMPLANT TRYING TO BE ABSORBED BY MY BODY. THIS HAS CAUSED MY IMMUNE SYSTEM TO BECOME COMPRIMISED AND I AM CONFIDENT IT SET THE BALL ROLLING FOR FIBROMYALGIA, WHICH I WAS FINALLY DIAGNOSED WITH IN 1995 AFTER REPEATEDILY COMPLAINING OF "HURTING FROM TOES TO HEAD", SOME DAYS EVEN MY FINGERNAILS HURT. HAVING THE ANSWER (DIAGNOSIS) TO WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR BODY MAY NOT BE A "CURE" BUT IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE VALIDATED AND THEN GO ON AND FIND YOUR LIMITATIONS. IN 2000 I HAD A CERVICAL SPINAL FUSION WITH A TITANUIM PLATE TO REPAIR THREE DISCS THAT HAD BLOWN. I WAS SO RELUCTANT AFTER WHAT HAD HAPPENED WITH THE JAW SURGERY THAT IT TOOK ME NOT BEING ABLE TO LIFT AND USE MY LEFT ARM,THE PAIN NO LONGER TOLERABLE EVEN WITH MEDICATION, TO AGREE TO HAVE THE SURGERY. AS YOU'ALL CAN IMAGINE I FIRST RESEARCHED THE TITANIUM IMPLANT UNTIL I WAS SATISFIED IT WAS SAFE. MY SURGEON COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD MY MISGIVINGS AND WAS WONDERFULLY PATIENT WITH ME. THOUGH IT'S BEEN 8 YEARS SINCE THE SURGERY MY IMPLANT IS STILL IN GREAT SHAPE (JUST HAD PICURES TAKEN) I AM HAVING A SEVERE PROBLEM WITH CHRONIC MUSCLE SPASMS IN MY NECK, SHOULDERS, THORASIC, AND BACK OF HEAD. MY RANGE OF MOTION IS SO POOR I HAVE NOT DRIVEN IN MONTHS FOR FEAR OF HURTING SOMEONE.

ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO I HAD A NERVE BLOCK HOPING IT WOULD HELP BREAK THE CYCLE MY MUSCLES WERE IN WITH NOT MUCH LUCK. MORE P.T AND STRETCHING...HO-HUM...

I'M NOT SURE WHERE ALL THIS CAME FROM, MY SHORT NOVEL, BUT I AM GRATEFUL FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE TAKEN THE TIME AND ENERGY TO LET ME VENT.

I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER THE REASON I WAS RESPONDING TO THE PREVIOUS POST EITHER. ...LOOKING AT THE BEGINING I APPARENTLY WAS ADDRESSING THE EARLY MORNING HOUR INSOMNIA THAT SO MANY OF US HAVE, BUT NOW MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT ON THAT ISSUE IS .... GONE! HMMM.. WONDER IF IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME GETTING CARRIED AWAY ON A TOPIC OF MY OWN CHOOSING? PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR WANDERING....IT'S ONE OF THOSE DAYS I CAN TELL.

I HOPE SOMEOE GETS SOMETHING OUT OF THIS AND MY SELF-CENTERED MOOD WAS NOT HURTFUL~

TJHELSER

" THE DAY I SEE A LEAF IS A MARVEL OF A DAY" I LOVE AUTUMN!!

sunidayz

8/28/08 8:55am

I am in the same boat with you about the existance of the Ex's. I was also a fast-paced , highly active person. Wife and mother of 3 , I worked full time (at the last place 17 yrs.) Then the ex's starting happening. First my health, than my job, friends. I also sit alone a lot. I try to keep busy reading, going on my computer (I had to get a laptop cause it was too painful to sit at the desktop), and try to get out once in awhile. I used to go to warm water therapy classes and they helped. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the expense of the gym any longer.

I feel for you and can relate to your feelings right now. I don't know if this helps but hope so. Try and stay healthy,

Pamela

8/28/08 9:49am

You are not alone. In fact I often have to remind myself that I am not alone. Your posting reminds me of that. I look at all the things I used to be able to do, the things that I struggle so hard NOW to do. The things I think I SHOULD be able to do. How I used to feel like such a vital human being and now I look at my limitations and isolation and wonder what did I do so wrong? Why has my life taken this turn? Did I do it to myself somehow? Yep, self blame and recriminations...but they get me nowhere except maybe depressed and feeling defeated. Lack of medical support makes one feel even more powerless and leaves you wondering.

I find that I can deal with the pain. I can deal with physical short comings. it's the mental war I find most challenging. The battlefield in the mind. (Although it is a vicious cycle when your body attacks you and limits you, it feeds the psychological/mental pain)

That's why I think it's so important to be in contact with others in similar situations. There are a lot more of us out there than we think. A strong support system can make all the difference in the world. Reminds us that we are still "OK" we are still human beings with value. Our value system just needs re-adjusting. How we define ourselves. Who do we let define us and according to what standards? Instead of "ex" perhaps we can define ourselves as "neo" - something new. Somebody new. somebody different than we were, but still every bit a somebody. A new somebody. A neo-somebody. A neo.

sharoncookie

8/28/08 10:04am

You have helped me so much, I just realized I am an EX. That is why I get so angrey, other than finding out my husband is bipolor and spent all our retirement money. The pain every day is so hard to live with and having a husband that doesn't like me to talk about it. I am also going to try coloring, I used to like it. I guess staying home all the time is not the way to live either. I love the computer is great, I do surveys and make a little money and it take up my time and helps my mind. If I have any thing left up there. Thanks so much and we are are not alone or the only one. Sharon

Priscilla

8/28/08 10:14am

Wonderful to meet you EX! I believe you are a newbie on the site. I understand completely your post. In fact, I think this is the only place you will find where everyone will understand whatever you have to say about pain. We spend our days trying to educate others in our families, friends, neighbors, etc. about ourselves...but they still don't get it. Seems like most just think, 'If she would just try to do something, she might feel so much better' right?!

Well, you can be assured the people here underrstand 100%, everything you have to say about your pain. MOst have been there and back. You don't really talk too much about your condition. What is your diagnoses? What type pain do you have? How long have you been in pain? What type medicines have you tried? I think I read you are being fitted for a pain pump, is this kinda like the last resort for you?

Please feel free to talk about your pain freely here, everyone will hear you and understand. In fact, I have stopped trying to get my family and friends to understand, I just pointed them all to this web site and said...you need to sign up for the newsletter, I think it would be very insightful for you!

Looking forward to hearing back from you...and BTW, you are not an EX, you are just beginning....look at joining this web site as a new beginning for yourself. Read all you can about your pain and others. What can we call we you then if you are just beginning?...Little Sister!

Blessings,

Mary

catt

8/28/08 11:31am

Should start it. You might find that you haven't had it the longest, unless you are the oldest. I'm 57. It started when I was around 21, after I had a rubella vaccine and has steadly gotten worse since I have the inherited type of osteoarthritis. I was a nurse in geratrics so my back started it's road to destruction young. I saw my first pain control doctor when I was 25 but was able to keep working until I was 48. I think I did good. Sure I would like to go back to work but I know I can't do it. I can't work enough hours to support myself and can't be a nurse at all because of the drugs. I tried other things but I just ran out of luck. Some times it happens like that. Thank goodness for water aeorbics and for the intern, my reach out to fellow human beings.

PhiltheNelson

8/31/08 12:22pm

Is this a poll for who has had pain the longest? Or have I mised the point?

I was born with my pain problem, but it didn't get the identification part until my later teens. Up until then I had thought that every one gets pain when they have been exercising. I was wrong. I am fifty this year and have activly been taking drugs for control since my late teens. I am now on good old Methadone with all of the fun that can produce, including the hormone fun and games.

sickntired

10/ 3/08 3:44am

Congenital Degenerative Spondylolithesis.........I too was born with this!

However I went through years of pain, until a Dr. spoted it on an xray.

I had no clue as to what it was, but it certainly explained the unbearable pain I had endured through the years!

To this day.....I have had no surgeries, (by choice) I am soooo scared of Drs. and anyone touches my back and it is onnnnnnn!

I am in a Pain Management Group and while I don't go to the sessions, I am on hydrocodone 7.5 for pain, which has become a joke to me, seeing as I have been on this same drug for over 12 years!!!!!! The meds do not help much anymore and I find myself having to take more and more, and consequentally I run out of my meds way before time to "refill".

I have come to the conclusion that I am going to give a shot at self detox and see if I can stand it!

I'm going out tomorrow and buying myself a stack of coloring books and a big box of crayolas!!!!!!! Why not? Makes me feel good just thinking of the smell of the crayons!

Thanks for making me feel better, even though the pain is sheer HELL.

Well, it's back to sleep, or an attempt at sleep.

Have a good day!

Oh, I forgot.....I found this site tonight, and I am so greatful that I did. So I am an official "newbie"...;)

Lisa

8/28/08 5:08pm

Hi there,

I have a sugestion for you. You said that you are a teacher who can no longer work, but you still have a skill. Have you ever thought of becoming on online teacher who helps with homework. I am thinking since there are so many timezones around the world you might be able to find a student who needs help when you feel your best.

This too could also allow income for your family.

It took me two years to come to terms that i could no longer work. I may not be able to work, but my illnesses allowed me to do other things that i did not have time for. I was home when my son came home from school. I always had free time for my family, no matter what time my husband came home.

You have a chance to find questions about yourself that you never had time to answer before and you have time to figure out what you can do!

I am almost 46, i have been in pain since age 4/5, i can't think of a time i did not have pain, a time when i didn't have to change my life because of my illness, and i found out that i can't run away from it and i still have a purpose.

don't give up on yourself please, you don't know what do will open for you, who you might meet, or how strong you can be.

In a way i feel blessed to be ill, because if i was not ill one of my siblings could have gotten the gene. I pray everyday to feel better and i pray everyday to give me all his has if it will prevent my child, my grandchildren or any other member of my family getting ill. So, i am blessed not to see someone i love be ill, because the way this world works someone has to be sick, someone has to hold that burden. so if you have family members next time your in pain look at them and think would you want them to hurt or are you the type of person who would do anything to take their pain away and who knows maybe you already have.

lisa

ps. the medications, well don't fight having to take them, instead chose the ones you want to take because they have become the cup of coffee you can't get through the day without. Side effects well, they just suck. get an old copy of your drs pdr and read through what meds will help with those side effects.

PhiltheNelson

8/31/08 12:25pm

Thanx for the input and the sugestion.

I am looking at a few ideas at the mo, but until I get my implant I don't think that I can do anything at all. I find it very difficult to concentrate for any length of time, but again thank you.

Lisa

9/ 1/08 7:25am

Hello again,

I am sorry i did not mean for you start working now, I poorly was trying to tell you that you life is not over. There is hope, you still have something to give no matter what you do or don't do.

I get brain fog also, a dr. once told me for mental and physical well being to change whatever activity i am doing to change it every 15 mins. Because of my brain fog i forgot to do this, but after finding my own timer it really worked. And if i am using my brain for longer i find myself in overload.

I hope your implant does help and give you back your life!!!

I have a spinal cord stimulator and this has saved my life and has given me the ability to use my arms and hands again. I hope you have as much luck with your pump.

Forgive me if i offended you please. I know you are down, if my words came out wrong my thoughts were for the intent of helping.

Lisa

yeti105

8/28/08 9:27pm

I think that we can all learn something from each other, i also feel that we learn something everyday no matter how small that learning turns out to be.Take today for example,i learned many things just from reading the "ex" blog.I see that you are waiting for the pump,i sure hope that you can get it soon.I got my pump May 21st 2008,i too was scared about the surgery,but it was not as bad as i expected.I did have terrible reaction to anesthesia,which i have never had before (i have had quite a few surgeries),when they tried to extubate me i clamped down on tube,they yanked it out,i ended up w/a huge fat lip (my mom thought i pissed the nurses off and got beat down),my doc said after extube i sat up,hocked a bloody lugey on the floor,then i jumped up,i could not breathe i needed my inhaler,did the inhaler started screaming that i needed to find my daughter,3 nurses were trying to hold me back,what a sight that must have been.I am female,5' 10",230#,butt naked cept the gown and i am fighting off these nurses as the doc and medtronic rep were running out the side door.I don't know what happened,i had some reaction to the gases they gave me,like i said that was unusual,i usually like coming out of general anesthesia,it is usually so gentle and nice,oh well next time different knock out meds.This is not to scare you this was very unusual reaction i am sure it will never happen again.

In fact i was so scared of the surgery i almost said no but when i had the pump trial the pain went to about a 3 or so, that was all i could think of.I only have Baclofen in my pump cuz morphine does not work for me and i am severely allergic to dilauded (the doc talked me into a dilauded trial, he used the blood brain barrier thing and i fell for it) i felt like my skin was on fire and my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head,the doc said "maybe we should forget the pump" i said NOOOOO. The pump has been a life saver,literally,due to my Myofascial Pain Syndrome which is basically like having a charlie horse 24/7 in between my shoulder blades. That pain was sending me over the edge the baclofen in the pump has saved me from doing myself in. I have also broken my back in 2006,this was after having the MPS pain since 2002. On march 1,2006 i got botox into the back spasms,oh my God i was a NEW person, this did not last long cuz on march 39,2006 i slipped on icy snow and flew up and out about 4 feet and burst fracture of my L1, went to ER on the reservation told me "just pulled tendons/muscles" xray my hip no back,went back to work as a nurse in nursing home,so you can imagine my pain level.No one could help me for the next 1 1/2 yrs then i met the doc w/the plan of pump. I think i owe him my life. The only thing i did not like was the spinal headache after surgery. Just lay flat as possible for at least 24 hrs that really really helps. I am now at 130 drops of baclofen a day,still on methadone/oxycodone/soma sometimes. OK i think i am done there is so much more to say but my brain cannot figure it out right now,Let me know if this helps at all please. yeti105

janeles50

8/29/08 7:54am

That is exactly how I feel. Almost everything else:pain, depression, weight gain, you name it- not being the competent, self-sufficient, mother-not child, thin, younger looking, vice president of a bank, $ in the bank, home owner(not even a mortgage)-

PALES BY COMPARISON!

The way people look & treat me makes all of the symptoms WORSE.

janeles50

8/29/08 7:59am

That is exactly how I feel. Almost everything else:pain, depression, weight gain, you name it- not being the competent, self-sufficient, mother-not child, thin, younger looking, vice president of a bank, $ in the bank, home owner(not even a mortgage)-

PALES BY COMPARISON!

The way people look & treat me makes all of the symptoms WORSE. My daughter just said to me last week:"Your just like a child. I have to be your mother". It took every ounce of my willpower not to burst into tears. I can't even begin to tell you how awful I felt. Being an "EX" makes me cry more than ANYTHING else.

Donna

8/29/08 10:03pm

Being an EX for several years and in some aspects of mylife still am I had to share. When I was first hurt and finally diagnosed with RSD, I spent the next year practically a stranger to life outside my bedroom walls,because of severe pain. The only time I got to interact with society was when I had a doctors appt, and of course what ever time I spent outside my bedroom with my family. There are many things i have come to learn to do differently and time is a wonderful thing we have so I suggest to use it wisely by learning what your limitations are and what you can push so to say. You cant do much unless your pain is under some control and once it is you will find the strenght and desire to live again as I so say. I have excepted some of my limitations and some I cant \,I think thats what keeps me going some days when I want to fall on my face. I finally got back to working and as much as I enjoy being part of society again there are days when I know I should be home on my heating pad resting. No one can truly understand what I go through every day except someone who lives with chronic pain like I do. So to those who live with it I hail you and to those who dont know how to handle it keep posting here its amazing the things people share. You wont feel so isolated or alone in your pain because you really arent.

Donna

raveb

8/31/08 3:25pm

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, YOU BECOME AN EX AT EVERYTHING INCLUDING THE BUSIENSS OF LIVING. YES YOU GET DEPRESSESD BUT THE HARDEST PART IS TRYING TO GET OUT OF DEPRESSION.THE MEDS MAKE YOU DEPRESSED, IF YOU DON'T CRY, THE WALKING, OR TRYING JUST TO DO SOMETHING GET YOU BUMMED OUT BECAUSE IT IS NOT THE SAME WAY YOU USE TO DO IT. I MEAN THEIR IS NO HAPPY MEDIUM, NO EASY WAY NO GUIDE B0OK. SO AFTER 3YEARS OF MY MISERY EVEN TRYING TO OFF MY SELF I DECIDED TO JUST DO WHAT I CAN, WHAT EVER THAT IS AND LISTEN TO MY BODY LIMITATION AND ACCEPT IT AS GOOD FOR THE DAY. IT DOES WORK, I HAD TO SWALLOW MY PRIDE AND ACCEPT IT AND DO IT CAUSE SUICIDE WOULD LEAVE TO MANY SAD PEOPLE AND UNASWERED QUESTIONS FOR THOSE LEFT BEHING. BECOMING A HERMIT, NOT GOOD. THOUGHT IT GETS TO BE HARD TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS WHO ARE HEALTHY AND GETTING ON AND MAKINGM ONEY AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF. THEN THE BOUTS OF ANGER, BOUTS OF HATE BOUTS OF THIS THAT AND THE OTHER THING, THAT WEARS YOU DOWN EVEN MORE. SO LIKE I SAID I JUST DO WHAT I CAN DO, CALL IT A SUCCESS AND JUST SEES WHAT HAPPENS THE NEXT DAY. IT REALLY WASN'T EASY TO ACCEPT THIS NEW THEOLOGY, BUT IT IS BETTER THAN BEING MISERABLE, BITTER, HATEFUL AND VENGEFUL.

I HOPE THIS HELPS YA. NAMASTE RAVEN

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