72 hrs and counting

Hi Buddie,   thanx !    for your concern..  day 4   .. I am in the house alone , but my mom is monitoring...with calls and emails... ( and also a neighbor who was on oxycontin years ago .).,  Funny Story ...my bathroom plumbing went bad..yesterday.....NOT !! GOOD TIMING..!!  The last time ,    2 weeks ago.. when I  attempted to discontinue the meds ,...when I was rounding day 3,  the  fridge ..went out... knowing that I would have To call building manager..etc..and have fridge brought in.. I went back on meds..so I could collect myself...and quite frankly ..I was in no shape to socialize on any level..

 when they brought fridge I explained honestly..( And because of my my rough appearance ), that  I was transitioning pain meds...as they know that I was in an accident..etc..The wife was very nice and then said that she new exactly where I was coming from..as she had been there..   They live upstairs..so hear I was again calling the third day into detox... the reason I say this is funny,,is that to me...It was plain to see that I was being tested  ( higher power ) and perhaps the distraction was good..And as a result I have made a new friend who " been  there !!"

Day 4 , seems to be  focused on my nervous system..anxiety..all of my "fractured areas are burning.. last night I think I slept ..some..(nights have been disorienting..)

but,, with that being said, I am in relatively good spirits..and I attribute that to the message board..and the "Positive mood" supplement..YES..it has lots of B's and aminos , Gaba etc...st, johns wort.. calcium ,mag...Ive been learning alot from postings on  "Opiate detox" board.  looking forward to the recovery type diet..that reboots brain from opiate damage...whey protein etc.. .I sat in the sun a little..

 went for a walk..legs shakey..  feeling like  I might sleep tonight as i am exhausted.

 Also thankyou for bat54..     You have been so kind !  & How are "you "??? doing??

  Bless You,    Soleil Skye

Faith and Determination!  The rebuilding of ones Foundation is you Key to start anew!

I belive as you have mentioned that Divine Intervention is at hand! Those that pass you by and take special intrest in who and how you are doin are both for yours and their benifit. I know you daughter is the reward in the long run. To truly take back what is yours and the Fog finally disapates and you see clearly what you were missing out in life is Liberating.  These things as Bat54 writes of as well' are just some of the things we sacraficed giving into the pain and drowning it totally out with medications that could be kept to an absolute minimum or None at all if one is able to function without them.

I unnderstand their is a point in ones life where these meds are necessary, but it is best to find out by zeroing out and come to an agreemnet with ourselves what specific pain we are goin to consider manageable and the health risk factors of long term usage.

Myself' it took 7 years in group therapy pain managment and to start off on just 20 mg of Oxycontin and build a tolerance level of where my Neurophsycatrist had me at 280mg Oxycontin daily and 50mg Duragisic Fentenyl Patches evry three days as well!  I was fortunate to find my liver and kidneys were not at the point of total failure but able to recover after 28 days in the hospital and a detox center to help me recover narcottic Free.   This freedom I must warn you is not without its scars; as Bat54 wrote you have the memory loss and I can still smell that medication in my head and the taste is engrained in my mind. i hesitate to even wanna take a Naprasyn , but I know it will ease some of the pain. the thing is we are never pain free but what is it to be Pain Free exactly; I mean I have know this age old friend PAIN for thirty years and went through surgical procedures which just influenced more pain and suffering? I found myself lookin toward how I can stop allowing this PAIN to control my life and how it dictates my day.  It takes a bit of time and frustrations but it can be done' this part of self-healing you will find liberates your true spirit and once you do that your faith is ten-fold stronger than ever.  I tried the re-education thing Foreign Language (Chinese) at the University, but after 2 1/2 years I could'nt focus nor trot around campus and I can admit the pain did consume me(see this is the frustration part) you might encounter some failures but that dosent mean one has to crawl back into that bottle again. I see your days have challanges as well and especially during these try'n times ( I aplaude you friend ) For this is like part of the masonry to start building that new FOUNDATION!

Presently I am a Jeweler  for the last 13 years and these last 7yrs. narrcotic free; have been the most prsoperous and the works I create are of a person not controlled by pain but someone who mastered it and redirected it towards bringing others happiness as well!  This might be part of that KEY I mentioned; I dunno waht others find is their KEY but mine was redirecting my pain and focusing my mind on something that brings me and others happiness.   I am honest in the fact that sometimes the pain may win a day and I take a day off or just go home to rest but i never leave defeated because I know how to pace myself and never allow the pain to frustrate me! I am at peace with my pain and take on this challange every day, night and mornin!

I had lived with the defeat before and only punished myself which allowed me to fall into years of depression and I would say having a group therapy an or a Therapist helped me find the TOOLS to right my situation. I found many others goin through the same obstacles in this journey not one of just pain but all its luggage (finances,family,and so much more ..) the mental anguish can be exhausting!  This is where you have to grip it(PAIN) by throat and tell yourself you master this situation and this is how were gonna start over! 

 The hazards ahead are always new and frightning but be assured you have conqured bigger Giants before and this road paved with your courage is not built alone but with your support of family and friends; Never try this journey alone and always be open and honest withyourself!  I needed someone to hold my hand to walk me on this PATH and It is comforting to the SOUL to know you never were alone!  

It has been 3 years since I freed my mind from the clutches of the mental anguish and all the pescription bottles that I belived gave me comfort. It was the absolute opposite I realized 3 years ago and everyday I try to earn abck those 7 years I lost and can't say enough of how enlightend I have become it is some kind of Serenity feeln? My customers and this is at my Art Gallery tell me over the many years they see that gliimmer in your eye of happiness and alwyas wondereed about those other years I was doped up and just ( did not look well"") like a shell of a person!  Its a rebirth in a sense an d I am sorry I don't have the hidden secret to finding this final solution but I encourage those to find these support groups and find what free's ones mind to a place that gives you temporary peace and if this helps "Master it".  I have traveled afar and lived in malaysia and studied other Philosophies and see many in life find harmony is a state of being!  If one can find this and hold onto it and know you were alwys in control and not the medicine, one might be able to balance these to find serentity and Quality of Life not just Comfort in Life!  

umm.. I'm Baptist and totally open the idea we only use a fraction of our mind and spiritual being to self heal!  

Well' Soleil I wanna tell you to walk this Path with care and never feel alone and reach out if need be!!!! Don't be afraid to stumble along this journey and this is why a support buddy is so vital to this ReBirth!!!!!!!

God Bless

MB        

Your freaking me out,,, l o l, Just how great you are ..and how blessed I am..i so..enjoy your words..and..I am thrilled to know you are an artist..especially siver..which is my favorite...I am..as far as "labels " go... an artsy type myself. and love interesting jewelry especially...(uh...looks like i am getting better huh ???)

weird thung , the past two nights..even thogh my skin was crawling , and I couldnt shake anxious feeling..I was happy..like laugh out loud...happy...(well..i also cried watching oprah...!) but..here i am having emotions... other than frustration..anger , &  resentment..

The past months my appetite had really diminished...I am a former chef.., and i guess ..a "Foodie"..I worked in alot of great restaurants in sanfrancisco..and sonoma county, and even a winery.. befor going into body work..   my point is.. That I am now sure that I was mal nourished..thru the pill ordeal..I had no desire to eat. .I did ..usually... late ..I am much heavier since the accident.. but now that I have started feeding my brain with those supplements..It seems like a miracle...how can I be so happy, while suffering physically..???

 last night went better ,,not as much sweating,,and more sleep , still anxious.., body still cleaning out...ie: #2 ,   I am wondering about that ultram..that I took before the ms contin ?? i saw info that  can have long lasting withdrawls.. so my thought of that only being a six month bout...could be be off... When I asked P manag. about tapering ..when she swithed me ..to ms contin..she acted like I was being dramatic..and a Wussy...I said,,oh..I thought I heard..blah blah..and she ignored me..

 Personally..I see them as a "business" now..not CARE takers. I will look for a naturpath...And will be buying the glucosimine ..etc..After the accident, while in the hospital..in  A  HALO ...etc..casts everywear..jaw wired..my boyfriend began bringing in a liquid of glucosimine chondroitin, liquid calcium.. flax oil..and all organic high powered soups..I could only drink through a straw...we all said my recovery was miraculous..including neuro surgeon... they kept me in halo and i fused naturally..much to everyones delight..It was too bad that  2 years later..I was then hit with the reality..that I wasnt going to just recover and have my old life and body back.." ..after you deal with the physical aspects...as you said...the emotion must be addressed.I am going to look for a support group....asap...thank you again.. blessings ! also ..is there a web site where your jewelry can be seen ??  soleil skye

How R U doin this New Day Soleil?  Have you rebooted yet?   Kinda like a computer you cannot redo what is hardwired in us; I know at first the onset of this pain may question your decsions and is only normal to question  "can this be done" or " what's next "?  Take back the Day and your Life! reward yourself daily with innerhappiness and know your smiles are for real.   I know far to well growin up since childhood knowing suffering and the mask we wear; keeping the pain bottled up and hidding it is the worst thing and I fear it has only contributed to my character flaw of not allowing those around me to be too close.  I found through out my life not accpeting this suffering and drowning out the pain with meds only contributed to this factor.

Once free of this ideology of the only method of dealing with pain was pain meds  I confronted the situation and mastered my pain and took back my life. Like a cub awakening from a long hibernation and discovering new smells and Life itself its exhilerating!  I hope you find each Day a new discovery. 

Its been years of learning how to let people get close to me; because you feel vaulnerable sharing your weakness and your faults. Our nature is to guard ones weakness and the pain tends to warrant alot of guarding and this leaves many to have a safety buble around us so vast it keeps us from allowing us to be loved or cared for.  Please Soleil in your journey remember to not let the pain dwell within and find those close to you in your life and bring them closer to you.  I know your daughter may not understan what MOM is goin through and you need support everyday until you find the right Tools and Ways of adjusting to your New Life!  I know I mentioned one of my many Tools was my Art and I know evryone has a God given talent. I pray you will utilize yours to help you evryday!   Umm...as far as my work I market alot of my design through our family Native Amercian Art Gallery.  Still workin on that website thing though you can see the Oklahoma Dept. of Tourism video interview with my MOM! go to   

http://www.oklatravelnet.com/?gclid=COvkvdOR548CFQJsPAodUHH0Cg#/Video/18199       

all one line webaddress or search fro Oklahoma Native Art and Jewelry

It has been 13 years and I can say I get lost in my work and never give my pain a chance to win the day; though pain may take the moment from me; I conquor the Day!   I see ya' like cooking and see this culinary skill as ART , a rediscovery may be in order here! you think?  My brother is an executive chef in Las Vegas.  all I know it brings him Joy and I think this is a handy Tool to start of with! anyways' after what you have been through you deserve to treat yourself everyday to a great meal!  

You might have noticed how some see your action confronting this pain in this manner as drastic, but honestly you have only the best intentions of a better life and health and wellness.  This wellness factor is a thing folks should support not deem your actions as dramatic and unecassary?  The ability of keepn a hold of this is trial by error i must warn you, some days you will feel vulnerable and do not feel weak because we all find ourselves in this situation; that is why I am glad you are seekin a support group they are helpful to how others go foward. Remember we all trip along in on this path, it is as a lil child learning how to walk again.    Remember the frustrations and feelings are pretty Raw at first but you have to discover new methods or breathing exercises to not allow these feelings to fester within.

  Your Will and Courage and your determination guides you in this New Day and forever!  

"Okie" Fella!

MB                                 

hi okie, no..I didnt reboot, but quite honestly.i can see how I could ..Today..I am very ache'...just got up in sweat again..feel grumpy...actually its more like sober....like  I  am a little lost from the ritual of taking the pill..w/ my coffee...and drinking the two cups,, and waiting until i can float out of bed.. now..faced w/ the beginnings of reality..one day at a time..I know that im gonna have to deal with pain managment some way or the other...but as they say..just for today...I will continue to pray..and remind myself that the "lords grace is sufficient!" i will look for your site..thanx for that...i just realized this is day six ..yes !!

Hi! Soleil                 I am so Happy for you! Congrats!!!!!!!

Sure hope things have gotten a bit better for ya!   Hope that fridge problem was resovled? Did you say that the person helping you with that problem had similar experiences getting off her Oxycontin? I would resch out to her if possible; to have a physical person their for you is important in those first steps of righting your life!

I hope your daughter is back with ya' and find solice in knowing that these struggles are worth a lifetime of memories and true emotional moments with her.   I hope your appetitie has gotten normal and you being an experienced cook have rewarded yourself with some great meals?   I wondered how your mother thought of this situation and I know she helped take care of your daughter at the time you needed help; does she think this is the best direction for you?  Well' I thought I would say you are blessed to be surrounded by those that Love you and to keep them close when things seem tough or confusing. I know mornin's are the toughest and thses short term goal you can set for yourself will busy the mind as to distract you from some of the pain' now I can say not tht its not their! just that state you find yourself in; One of doin something you enjoy! This can allow you to find a moments through your day of Serentity and Peace a True Calmness.   It can take time to find this but i urge patience and commitment and one will discover this now that you are in a state of clarity.    7 days you truly have the Lords guidence and yes His grace is sufficent for our suffering. Remeber he place people in our live as well to guide us and help us; so don't allow yourself to be alone and make sure you have a family physicain check your health progress and it is imperative to have that group support system as well! 

God Speed!

Happy Mothers Day!

Okie' Fella

MB 

Greetings...!! sat am..Its been a full week , over the hump !! Went to bed at 12:00 am and got up today 4:14 am..sleeping..is still slow.. YES , the support has been the foundation, even though I set out to do this ALONE !!.. I think that chronic pain can send you on a path "self internalization.."by nature..I myself..dont like for people to know ..or have found myself so tired of the "Story"....

 But..as you mentioned..I feel God just picked me up ..and said..my way..not yours..Surrendering has been a "challange.".. for my "strong willed ways..!!"

 I am currently at my mom's since yesterday..i thought I mentioned the plumber had to come and "snake the internal plumbing..in the middle of my detox..this was after fridge..incident..

well...apparently a pipe broke .and flooded my sons room which I had closed up..., since he was w/ gammie..so....It was a health hazard..mind you..I had never had  any of these issues w/ my apt. until I decided to detox.  3 big yucky issues ..all to contend w/ while..doing so..I swear, I ve got to laugh..It seems so obvious that these were tests.. In recognizing that..I saw That a fight was..in order !!  Thanx so much for having  been there w/ me..like I said" "you are one of gods warriors for 

sure !!!" I am still feeling pretty bad..anxious , weird chill flashes..I am resolved to let it take its course,,lots of pain too..Its been a while..since I could Identify each injury../ degeneration ..etc..I will restart PT...soon...and look for a group...etc..and figure out whats best for the aches..".for me," I cant put another opiod in my body..This is what I have " learned" about me.. !! yes..I have been eating well..and taking my supplements...looking forward to real sleep..!! today I will get fresh air..and take walk..Mt shasta... is an incredible place..A healing vortex ! I am blessed..to be here..Hope It a beautiful weekend for you ! TOO !! Happy Mothers Day..I will say a prayer for you under the mountain.!  BLESS  ! Soleil Skye

Hi Okie..~~, I am hanging in there...I hope you are well..I was worried about you..w/  the crazy weather..There ...!!!    Are you in a place that has safety...precaution..in place...??  I lived in the Carribean, ( Virgin Islands )  for 12 years...b /4  I moved to S.F.  The final factor in my decision to move..was a category "5 "hurricane...~! have been through many..but I decided that an earthquake would be a ..new experience !!LOL

I had a nice day...yesterday.. At moms..still...though I must say..I am not feeling all that well..My "uncomfortable"in my skin "feeling" is not gone..as I had hoped ..and stiffness and aches....mood swings..and still ..only sleeping..on & off... .well this is where patience is truly needed I suppose..? I am getting these yucky rushes..hard to describe really...Thanks for such positive encouragment ..I am so..grateful..for your words.......one minute at a time...ONE HEART ~  soleil skye

Hey !  Soleil

Glad to hear from you and thanks for ur thoughts!  I am here in Oklahoma City and we were blessed to no be affected by the tornado! It hit far corner of N.E. Okalhoma; I think nine folks passed away. Tragedy can be at ones footsteps unexpected and this is why it is so important for us to reclaim our life and enjoy each day to the fullest! hug a friend or a family member and celebrate life! 

  I personally moved away from California after the Big quake in 1989 Bay Area and felt goin home was my place i found comfort but ended up living 75 yards North of the A.P. Federal building when it was Bombed in 1995.  You see this runnin away from fear sometimes finds you no matter where you are. The thing is growin up with my problems and chronic suffering was a test of my will and allowed my Spiritual Growth to be ready to confront that April 19th 1995 Day!  Losing my home and business,car and Leg surgery and hearing damage was a black eye on my life long black eye!  It took 6 years to recover No Thanks to the Federal Govt. (maximum Grant $3,500.00).  Geez my leg surgery was $38,000.00

The ability to face these fears and to keep what you Fight for is empowering to the Mind, Body and Soul!  Every step you make from this point on you will find somthing in your path and just know that we may stumble or have to pause in that moment but never let yourself feel defeated! 

The transition your body has to make is difficult to address?  It is like drinking herbal teas to detoxify the body!  That part of you that feels like your soul is itchin; is your true self finding itsel once again and I assure you it will get better Soleil!   Find Comfort in the fact that you chose the right path for you and your family!

You keep what You Figh For!!

safe journey friend!

Okie' Fella

MB

Hello okie ! Thankyou for your kind words and prayers. ~This is Memorial Day and hope you are well..Blessings to you and your family ~I wrote a long message the other day.. to you...and when finished..I accidently hit cancel instead of send..I type w/ one finger..lol..

 I was ,w/ doctor appts. last week w/ the results of my recent bone scan and lumbar MRI, have sciatica, which they think is also causing a problem w/ right foot.  It has been painful to walk on..I thought i had injured it walking in deep snow, this winter.

 They are going to do block on L-6-7.then see if foot needs mri..They also found bad C=7, My normal issues lie around the c-2, hangmans fracture. w/degeneration C-3, 4,5.,

Though a new twist is that the scan showed low funtion on right kidney..and i will be getting ultra sound wed. while I have had reacurring pain there, My pcd, did urine test and said I was wrong when I inquired ..a YEAR AND A HALF AGO. of course I am researching ..kidneys , I am figuring in all of the medications over the past 8 years,may have something to do with this . I was still on the ms contin when scan was taken..

(hey..this is day 24.Off !!Your support has been such.. evidence.. of Divine Grace ~!!

Though to be honest.. I am not a new me..The ativan and zolpidem have me tortured..The ms contin was covering , or I was blaming all of my negative symptoms on it..Turns out,.. that these also have reaked havoc on me..long term use of benzo medication is a nightmare..Ive researched this too...Found the "Ashton method " online and will take the titration program they recommend to doc on friday..they say very slow...withdrawal program..and I am going to use nutritional program from web site "The Road Back "..I have been in a month long anxiety attack..or 8 yrs really (P.T.S.D.)

I was sad..to have jumped the hurdle of detox from ms contin , only, to land in this quiksand !! I can do it ,..just wish I had been given the opportunity..to know what I was getting into..w/ these meds.people dont know the true nature of these meds ..and what they do to your brain chemistry...At least to mine..

good news is that pain has not been too unmanagable..I am suffering more with nervous disorders..maybe I am also still not quite through w/ ms contin detox ??

 havent located chronic pain support  yet. .but I promise you ..I will!

Take Care ~mugh graditude  soleil Skye

Howdy ! Soleil

I sure am glad to C' your words again:)

I see they are lookn to do some upgrades to your back huh?  I hope a second opinion agrees this is the one that will ease your pain.  It sometimes seems never ending with them surgeons.  I pray the right doctors are there foryou and your recovery is a quick one.  I figure they will want to put you back on heavy meds again and I think your struggle to lower your medications has prepared you for this factor.  I am afraid as you mentioned that the damage after long term use of those meds do harm our kidneys and liver. I had mentioned after 7 years in pain mangt. on oxycontin and fentnyl patches ; how it almost ruined my kidneys and Liver. thankfuly after 28 days in the hospital I was able to recover and gain my full health back.  That is why I am so adment against one causing more health issues from meds; when we as patients of chronic pain have enough to deal with in our everyday without doctors causing more problems.  I do know you have the ability to better your health and keep those meds to a minnimum because what you are goin through is surely enough for me to even feel your hurt.   It's fantastic after 24 days to know you have all the power and no one can take that from you; I congatulate you and it warms my heart to know you alwyas had the strength and will meet your next challange with the same courage.   Please be patient though with your body because like you said the mind has somewhat been hardwired to feel anxious at times and those keys in your brain can never be unturned.  I had the same experience after stopping all my pain meds and stayed on the Ambien and 300 mg Seroquel and finally realized those were not goin to be a part of my life anymore and found that I could confront this as well with my will to want my life back and to own it once again.  After all I was at the hospital for an appendcitous surgery and they abruptly stopped the Seroquel after 8 years of taken it and it caused seizures in the hospital that killed me and they found me dead in the bathroom; Woke up after three days in I.C.U with tubes everywhere and my MOM said they jusut kept shockin me until they brought me back?  well it took 'em 12 days to figure out they should'nt have stopped that medication like that and all the seizures in the hospital were attributed to that fact. I mean the surgery was fine like they said: it would have been in and out in one day if they had'nt been aware of the Hazards of Zeroing out on certain medications.  

This Soleil is why I worry about how some are forced to go cold turkey and those that voluntairly do so without a Physican care because even under their watch the wrost can happen but they have the methods to bring ya' back.  I am not sure about the meds you still take but I know you must require somthing to help your situation so please be cautious with your plans in the future with regards to lessening the needs of so many medications.  i find getting back to the roots of the real issue at hand and rebuild from there accpeting  the change that is goin to happpen to you in your everyday life and how to prepare yourself for these changes physically and emotionally and also; financially.   The thing is you have have the best support sytem ever and that is those closest to you at home and this is the spring board you will find that provides a solid foundation.  Once again clear headed and maybe a bit anxious you will find it slow goin at first but I assure you the New you is waiting to Blossom and like and Orchard flower it may take a couple years to bare this fruit.  Some flowers are worth waiting for to Bloosom.   Please dont press yourself to find the anwsers to quickly it took me a 30 year plight and everyday is a new lesson to me and sometimes it is o.k. to tear up from the pain its good to feel vulnerable and we cannot win ever Day, but the battle is never over and You keep what you fight for!  

Remember that anxiety leads to stress and this interupts the thought process of manageing your pain.  Maybe a lil water fall in the house with some Native American flute music will help calm your spirit.  I keep the music goin all day at the Art Gallery and we have a giant water fall that ease my thoughts and keeps me from allowing outside enviromental factors to derail my thought process of controling my pain.   The only thing is outside of our safety bubble it's a bit different and I guess we will discuss this a bit more another time.  

Blessed days ahead for you and your family!

Okie Fella!

MB

Morning Okie, Whoa.. I had goose bumps all over.Thats a hell of a story..I am going friday to talk about meds w/ my primary...I do see that I am rushing  things a bit, but it seems that my  meds , its the ativan, that is spiking me or something. I take it , then several hours later, (too short a time)its starts again..I wouldnt be so bad to manage, if I didnt have kids, I also have a teenage girl 14..that lives here w/  my mom..we all lived together, and i took another apt..to use when son began pre school in oct..to give my daughter the space she needed to begin freshman year of high school..a little complicated ..but the two of them being ten years apart..is like having two only children..mom is one block from high school, and I took apt next to his school, and come back and fourth..any way, dealing w/ them when I am in anxious state..is quite a challange~~!! they sqaubble alot!!  sibling rivalry..

My mom is a great help but she too has had her full, of my issues..I by nature take care of everyone.. and probably have not allowed myself the time to truly recover...When i was in halo..in final months ,I would actually drive..with passenger looking left and right for me...can you imagine being at a four way stop sign..and seeing me.. in a big ol' star wars like halo staring straight a head..L O L too much !

 Thanx for your wisdom..you have been through so much..It humbles me!! I will let you know whats up ?? when I do ??   Peace~ and Love~, Soleil

ps..yes..i love the waterfall idea..When I did massage i used  many wonderful cd instumentals..and i love the native american flute/drums..Another great idea okie !!