FRIEND,

I am a professional public speaker and have had great success, but I had trouble in 2 out or 4 speaking engagements last year.  I had 2 international speaking engagements within 6 weeks, along with 2 other engagements.  At the moment I stepped onto the area where I was to speak (and be filmed!) I suddenly felt almost all my energy leave me.  I asked for a bar stool, higher than the audience, but they had none, so I had to face the music.  Since speaking has been easy for me, I "faced the music."  I knew what I was going to say.  But as I began, I began to stutter.  I couldn't believe it because I have never stuttered in my life.  I have never stuttered since that night.  But it lasted about 5 or 10 minutes in my presentation. 

That was hard to get over.  I felt I had let them down.  I was on fire with my subject. They were paying me well. 

I need to build myself up.  I am trying, but have not yet succeeded.

I wish you all blessing, joy in whatever turns you on, and felt love from God.

Charis

It can be very embarrassing. I try to avoid places where I'll have to speak publicly. It's not so bad in front of friends...they understand. Others, I'm sure, think I'm a moron. I wish there was a cure. Sometimes I think the fog is worse than the pain.

I have wondered several times if I was coming down with alzheimers but I had somebody tell me jokingly, "nah, ya just have 1/2 heimers!"(and I like that.) I am curious to know the symptoms of adult add or adh cause I cannot focus on one thing for too long. I'll be making a blanket and I'm down to sewing the binding on and I start a new one and I may have 3 or 4 I'm working on at one time cause I get bored. ecspecially at night, my brain doesn't want to shut down. I lose my place in conversations I have to ask "excuse me, I'm sorry, what was I saying?" if they weren't paying attention then you can just drop it and silently have your feelings hurt and go on. The word is always simple and I lose it and it sneaks up on me an hour later or in the night and like the light comin on and sometimes it takes a couple of days before that light bulb comes on and I'm waiting for it! Normally I finally remember it. I put stuff in such good places that I think I won't have a bit of trouble remembering my good place and then I forget. I go to the dr. for a x ray they give you directions on how to stand and I stand there and look at them like they spoke a language I've never heard before and they have to manually pose me. I ask the same dadgum question 15 times and have no recollection of it and that's one of my biggest pet peeves. I ask a question and if I don't get the answer in a way I can understand it I ask the same question but in a different way still looking for my answer.My husband says "You already asked me that and I answered you and I'm sticking to my answer and it's goin to be the same no matter how you phrase the question." I say "okay, what was the question and the answer!!?" If I get lost, oh man, it is not a pretty site! I have a major meltdown!! Go to do something on the computer that I use to do but haven't done in a month or so and it's completely gone, like I've never done it before! Makes you feel so stupid cause you struggled to learn it and now it's gone and you don't know where or when. I had a dr. explain it to me one time. He said "your brain is like a computer, it has chips(not Lays or Pringles!!LOL) and with FMS you will remember what you do on a day to day basis over and over like taking care of your family, you won't lose it, the things you do every day will stay with ya.. Your computer can only hold so much info and when it's full in order to add something new, something old has to go but don't beat yourself up over it. Accept that you can't help it. I ask a question then I ask a question about a totally new subject and my husband is standing there with this puzzled look and he says "that's not what we were talkin about, where'd that come from?" He says "do you know what it's like tryin to carry on a conversation with you and your brain "flittin"(that's what we call it) around to different things and I said if you think that's bad ya oughtta be on the inside!!"

Sometimes with all this memory loss and pain and things being out of your control it gets overwhelming. When thiose times come, you know they'll soon go but when you're in the valley, in that moment where "this ain't fair". This is what I do there are so many people alot worse off. I can adapt, my family adapts and my real friends understand and show me grace. Just don't be so hard on yourself and remember this. "I once thought how bad I had it cause my feet throbbed and ached and I cried and conpained and felt sorry for myself and I looked up and I saw a man who had no feet."