Aloha Everyone!
I sure hope someone can answer this because i've asked probably hunmdreds of others and they can't even BEGIN to give me an explaination.
As some of you who looked at my profile know, I've been dealing with trying to get myself fixed from a disc (and buldging discs) since 1997. Since I was a very healthy person up until that point, I took whatever doctors said as gospel...yeah, I now know just how naive I was at 42...so I rushed into surgery after surgery after surgery. Finally, after almost dying after the third one, I was scared out of my wits and vowed never to have another surgery unless it was a matter of life and death. Fortunately for me, when I fired my regular doctor who was undermedicating me for pain, she referred me to a GREAT pain management doctor and we had the best doctor/patient relationship for almost EIGHT years. His father was gravely ill in Texas and he decided to take an early retirement. As you can imagine, even though he did find another doctor to keep writing my pain meds, something has been getting worse and worse and in January 2005, I had to choose between no pain and take the meds but not work (they made me too fuzzy headed!) or try and work and be in too much pain too. As you can see, I didn't really have a choice. In June of '06 I finally threw in the towel and filed for SSDI, their application was a nightmare and took me forever! But, I did it and was approved 6 months after initial app and have been collecting SSDI ever since and doing whatever I can to stay comfy and of course, gain wieght!-LOL!
My question is this: How does one EVER come to terms with being "disabled"? It's kind of driving me insane. The closest I ever got as an nswer was someone said they just take each day as it comes and hope for less pain. Yes, I am being treated for depression and have been taking Celexa for years. I've also taken opioids for pain for at least 9 of the 10+ years of this agony and we aren't just talking taking a daily dose of HUNDREDS of millegrams, it's THOUSANDS A DAY! I HATE living like this and can't believe my wife has stayed by my side this entire time. I've even come to the point where I don't think she should have to suffer with me and have given her the "out" if she wants to take it. Apparently, as long as I'm good in the sack (heh-heh), that's good enough for her! Seriously, I think she REALLY loves me because I'd do the same thing if this had happened to her.
Someone, ANYONE! How can I ever learn to accept living the rest of my days as a totally diabled person who can't do much else other than the dishes, help a little with the laundry and sex? I got used to taking pill a long time ago, so that's not an issue. Maybe there IS NO answer and we each have to deal with it on our own terms....I don't know. I'm so frustrated.
...not for everyone, anyway!
I get it, though! I've been labeled and re-labeled as disabled since 1989. I, too, won my initial plea to SSec and have been on the "dole" since. This, alone, is difficult to swallow. I, in my brain, KNOW I cannot do as others; I understand that I am and will always be in chronic pain. However, somewhere, in my being, is this nagging p.i.t.a. who tells me that, somewhere, there IS hope.
Now, SocSec reviews my disability claim every now and then. I have never been told that I am better than I was when I first applied; I have never been certified as NOT disabled. And, it is, each and every time that I have to fill out the forms and receive their replies, keeping me ON disability, it's a very bitter pill to swallow. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is where I am; yet, in my heart, I can't get rid of the hope. Perhaps this is what is keeping me alive..
I don't know if I answered your question; perhaps all there is IS to commisserate. But, like I said, I DO get it!
best to you in your quest!