Destined (triggering)

By hamstergirl Monday, December 08, 2008

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I figured out that eating just prolongs my misery. It also leads to bowel movements, and these are way too painful for me. I haven't eaten anything of nutrional value for a few days. Anytime I try, I lose all interest in eating.

It is not like me to be suicidal, at least not before the chronic pain. My depression seems to be much worse when my physical pain levels are low. My depression became a lot worse in the first place due to chronic pain entering my life.

There is more to my current state of mind than just physical pain. Christmas time is hell for me. My parents tried to get members of my care team to institutionalize me against my will. They had me give them Power of Attorney for this specifically. After my case manager told me of how they said it was easier to get me to do things when I was in pain, I told my team members to not co-operate anymore. When my father couldn't get me to play ball, they withdrew all financial support and kicked me out of the family. It was the next day that I learned of their attempt to put me away for life and asking my team to hide what they were doing. My parents did this while going on and on about how "families look after each other thru thick and thin" In the nasty last e-mail from her, my mom told me how I couldn't trust friends or staff to back me up, just family".

But my parents have ditched me like a truckload of garbage. The system sworn to help me has proven inept, unwilling or unable to assist me, as I have grown more and more desperate.

I am probably going to be fighting suicidal feelings for the rest of my life. I figure that my friends are going to get sick of my begging for a gun sooner or later, even if it is not like me, in a wheelchair, to be desirous of death. But my chronic pain condition, treated or not, has messed with my mind big-time in a biochemical way. I have been through two psychiatrists since this pain nightmare started and am pondering ditching a third.

They go over the same tiresome line: That they cannot treat my depression unless I am off my morphine. So they do nothing at all, except renew prescriptions for pills that do not even begin to tackle the depression. No counselling. They do nothing as I grow more and more suicidal.

I have a good friend on the Internet. He knows of my depression. Long ago, he asked me to write to him every day and he did this just after learning that my remaining hip was starting to leave me in serious pain flares. I will be grateful for that. But I have no wish to alienate him or cause him further grief, and this depression scenario seems to have no end in the near future.

I have tried very hard to fight for what I needed, but the bureaucrats either can't or won't provide help and they certainly don't know what to do. My last home visit with a case manager was just so she could tell the government that I had been seen;it was just to make her look good. (When the only help you have had from the government for chronic pain is two matresses and a boxspring so you can lie down in the living room, believe me, you'd be angry too, and disillusioned.)

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Teri Robert

12/10/08 2:09pm

Oh, my dear lady, what a situation you are in. My heart goes out to you.

I will not pretend to know your pain -- either emotional or physical. Nobody can know that but you. Please know though that others can and do understand.

I was born to a woman who should have never had children. Partly due to multiple mental health issues, she was cruel and abusive, but would never have recognized it as abuse. She is still that way, but I have no contact with her -- my decision. From her, I inherited major depressive disorder. Along with that, I have chronic pain issues. Some days, it's hard to tell if I'm feeling the way I am because of depression, pain, or both. Yes, I have thought of death in the past. I think many people in pain think of death, don't you? But I'm too stubborn to give in, to give up.

You know how you sometimes keep reading a book that's not very good because you want to see what happens to the characters? Many years ago, at a low point, I decided that's how I felt about my life. If I gave up, I'd never know what was at the end of the book of my life. And I'm VERY glad I did. We never know what God has in store for us, and I'm glad I stuck around to see. Yes, I still get depressed. Yes, I have some level of pain every day. But there are good things too. Too good to give up.

I wish I had specific recommendations to make for you to get the help you need. Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with the system in Canada. Definitely, I think some counseling could help, and you said you don't get that from your psychiatrist. A support group might also be helpful for you -- one for chronic pain or depression or both.

Please do talk with your priest. He may know of sources for support and assistance that you haven't tried yet.

Most of all, do stick around to see the end of your "book." Every life has value. YOUR life has value.

hugs and blessings,

Teri

12/11/08 6:45am

HI HAMSTER GIRL.I THINK I KNOW THE REASON YOU CHOSE THAT NAME FOR THIS SITE.IT IS BECASUE ALL YOU FEEL LIKE IS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MADE YOU FEEL THAT WAY.THAT YOU FEEL LIKE A FAILED MEDICAL EXPERIMENT.I TOO HAVE HAD MANY FEELINGS OF SUICIDE.I BEGGED MY HUSBAND ABOUT 3 NIGHTS AGO TO PLEASE LET ME DO IT.I TOLD HIM I AM DRAGGING YOU DOWN WITH ME.YOU ARE GETTING SICK.I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO WORK FOR 11 YEARS AND I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST A BIG WEIGHT AROUND EVERY BODIES NECK.I REMEMBER FEELING VERY CALM ABOUT IT ALL.I TOLD HIM YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF.SO WOULD MY CHILDREN AND I KNOW THAT EVERYBODY WOULD FEEL SAD FOR A WHILE BUT THEN THEY WOULD JUST PICK THEIR LIVES UP AND GO ON AND FEEL LIKE THEY DO NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME AND MY ILLNESSES.I ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE IN THE LONG RUN THEY WOULD FEEL RELIEVED THAT THEY COULD HAVE MORE FUN IN THEIR LIFE.AND I FEEL LIKE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN HURT BY THOSE WHO I THOUGHT LOVED ME THE MOST I HAVE FELT SO UTTERLY BETRAYED.I AM NOT SURE IF YOU WERE WRITING THIS TO ME DIRECTLY BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY EMAILS TO CATCH UP ON I WAS UNCERTAIN.BUT I READ YOUR 6 LETTER CRY FOR HELP.YES YOUR CRIES HAVE GONE UNHEARD.

IN MANY WAYS I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR PARENTS TREATED YOU TOOK AWAY YOUR SELF ESTEEM.I HAVE A MOTHER LIKE THAT.FORTUNATELY I DID HAVE A WONDERFUL FATHER.I THINK IF HE HAD NOT BEEN IN MY LIFE,I WOULD FEEL EVEN FURTER BETRAYED.IT IS BIGGEST SADDNES IN MY LIFE THAT MY DAD DIED WHEN HE WAS 59.I WILL BE 58 IN JAN.I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME GOING IS THAT MY 40TH REUNION FROM HIGHT SCHOOL IS COMING UP.AND ONE FRIEND I HAD WHEN WE WERE GOING FROM ABOUT 12 OR 13 UP UNTIL PRESENT DAY.WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO TRY TO GET ME TO CONTACT HIM THROUGH CLASSMATES.HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT HOW FUNNY I WAS WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.HE USED TO HELP ME BABYSIT MY FIRST NIECE.I WAS 14 WHEN SHE WAS BORN.AND AS HE WAS A SHY FELLOW HE NEVER TRIED ANY HANKY PANKY.AND HE CALLS ME LITTLE SISTER.EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE NOT SEEN EACH OTHER IN 40 YEARS HE REMINDED ME THAT THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS HE ADMIRED ABOUT ME.ME? ME? I COULD NOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME ANYONE TALKED ABOUT ME IN A POSITIVE WAY.AND THIS LAST YEAR WE HAVE BEEN EMAILING HE HAS MADE ME SEE THAT THESE OTHER PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO ARE CRUEL.THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON.THAT I DID SO MUCH IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT HE STILL REMEMBERS TO THIS DAY.SO I KNOW THAT EVEN ONE PERSON CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.I TRULY HOPE THAT I CAN GIVE YOU THAT DIFFERENCE.I ALSO HAVE IBS.I AM CONSTANTLY TRYING TO MAKE SOME KIND OF BALANCE OF JUST HAVING BOWEL MOVEMENTS THAT I DID NOT HAVE PAIN DURING.AND I HAVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH JUST TRYING TO MAKE THEM AS LEAST PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE.I STARTED TAKING NARCOTIC MEDS BECAUSE I FOUND A VERY COMPASSIONTE PAIN MANG DOCTOR.EVERY TIME I HAVE A PROCEDURE WHERE HE HAS DONE INJECTIONS HE ALWAYS DOES IT IN A ONE DAY SURGICAL PLACE.AND MY CO-PAY IS ONLY ABOUT $100.00 DOLLARS.THE LAST FEW WEEKS MY HUSBAND HAS MADE SURE I HAD WHAT EVER THESE DOCTORS PRESCRIBE AND LATER I WOULD FIND OUT THAT SOME OF THEM WERE NEARLY $400 DOLLARS.HE IS MY 3RD HUSBAND AND WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED NEARLY 25 YEARS AND DATED FOR 31/2 YEARS PRIOR TO OUR MARRIAGE.ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE A LITTLE GATHERING OF DISABLED PEOPLE WHO ALL WORKED IN THE SAME PLACE WOULD ASK ME IF HE HAD A BROTHER,UNCLE,YOUNGER OR OLDER BROTHER.I SAID WELL HE WAS ADOPTED SO IT IS POSSIBLE.I HAVE 3 GROWN DAUGHTERS.AND I HAVE JUST HAD MY 7TH GRANDCHILD.THIS ONE CHILD,MY YOUNGEST IS ABOUT THE ONLY THING I CAN REMEMBER US ARGUEING ABOUT.SHE SEEMS TO HAVE SOME KIND OF MENTAL PROBLEMS AND SHE WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO GET RID OF MY HUSBAND SINCE SHE WAS 7 YEARS OLD.THAT WAS HER AGE WHEN WE MARRIED.MY OLDER 2 GIRLS WERE 13 AND14.THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONES TO NOT LIKE THIS CHANGE BUT THEY HAVE ADORED HIM AND LOVED HIM AS THOUGH HE WERE INDEEED THEIR BIOLOGICAL FATHER.AMY,MY OLDEST JUST TURNED 40 AND SHE IS GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER IN MARCH.THE REASON SHE HAS BEEN UNDERSTANDING OF ME IS THAT SHE IS STARTING TO GET THE SAME THINGS MEDICALLY WRONG WITH HER AS I DO.SHE NOW UNDERSTANDS HOW YOU CAN LOOK OK BUT BE IN CONSTANT CHRONIC PAIN.AND I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT THE MENTAL PART OF THIS IS THE WORST.IF YOU KNEW OF A TIME THAT YOUR PAIN WOULD BE OVER IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE WE COULD HANDLE THAT BETTTER.INSTEAD OF NEVER KNOWING IF WE WOULD EVER BE OUT OF PAIN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.IT IS THE NOT KNOWING THAT REALLY GETS ME.I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS.AND A LOT OF THEM DO NOT UNDERSTAND EITHERE WHY IT BOTHERS OTHER PEOPLE IF I HAVE TO TAKE A PILL SO I COULD GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.WHY SHOULD IT BOTHER OTHER PEOPLE SO MUCH THAT WE CHOOSE NOT TO WANT TO LIVE IN PAIN.AND THAT IS WHEN THE REAL MENTAL PAIN STARTED.I STARTED HEARING GOSSIP FROM MY LARGE EXTENTED FAMILY THAT I WAS JUST A DRUG ADDICT.IT WOULD NOT HAVE MATTERED SO MUCH IF IT HAD NOT STARTED WITH THE DAUGHTER WHO I WAS THE MOST PROUD OF,A DAUGHTER WHO WORKED SO HARD ALL HER LIFE.HER OPINION OF ME SEEMED TO CHANGE OVER NIGHT.WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE OUR GRANDCHILDREN FROM HER BECAUSE WE SMOKE CIGARETTES AND BECAUSE I TAKE MEDICATIONS.WE EVEN SAID WE PROMISE WE WILL SMOKE OUTSIDE,WE WOULD DO ANYTHIN JUST SO THAT THEY COULD SPEND THE NIGHT.THEY CRIED NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY THEY COULDN'T.AND SO DID WE.WHY WERE WE ALL OF A SUDDEN PEOPLE WHO WERE CONSIDERED PEOPLE WHO FELL BENEATH HER OPINION OF WHAT GOOD PEOPLE WERE.I MEAN WE USED TO GO TO CHURCH TOGETHER AND HOLD HANDS AS WE PRAYED.I HELPED HER WHEN SHE WENT THROUGH RADIOLOGY SHCOOL.SHE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND WHEN SHE NEEDED SOMEONE TO PICK UP HER DAUGHTER OR KEEP HER WHEN SHE WAS SICK AND THE BABYSITTERS WOULD NOT TAKE SICK CHILDREN WHO HAD FEVERS ETC...WE WENT TO EVERY EVENT THAT GRANCHILD WAS INVOLVED IN AND WE DID EVERYTHING TO HELP OUT.AND NOW SHE LIVES IN A FANCY HOUSE WITH A POOL AND TAKES MANY VACATIONS AND TELLS US THE REASON SHE DOESN'T VISIT US IS BECAUSE GAS IS SO HIGH.AND I AM SURE WE LIVE LESS THAN 8 MILES APART.WHEN I WAS UNABLE TO DO THINGS FOR MYSELF ANYMORE..I SUDDENLY BECAME A BAD GRANDMOTHER.THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR 10 YEARS.I TRY TO TASK HER TO MAKE OUR FAMILY LIKE IT WAS BEFORE.AND ITS OK AS LONG AS WE DON'T ASK TO HAVE THEM SPEND THE NIGHT.MY HUSBAND IS A BUILDER.HE IS 8 YEARS YOUNGER THAN I AM AND WE BOTH HAVE VERY HIGH MORALS.SO I CANNOT FATHOM WHERE SHE GETS ALL HER OPINIONS FROM.BUT SHE HAS HURT ME MORE THAN ANYONE.I HAVE ACTUALLY WANTED TO JUST DIE IN MY SLEEP SO I WOULD NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS MENTAL ANGUISH EVERY DAY.ITS SO WEIRD THAT THE PEOPLE WHO YOU THOUGHT WOULD STAND BY YOU ARE THE VERY ONES WHO JUDGE YOU.HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE THE FEELING OF YOUR BODY TEMPERATURE BEING REGULATED CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR PAIN.BECAUSE EVEN TAKING A SHOWER IS PAINFUL TO ME.THE WATER HITTING MY SKIN ACTUALLY IS PAINFUL AND EVEN IN THE SUMMER WHEN YOU FINISH TAKING YOUR SHOWER THERE IS ALWAYS THAT COLD WAVE OF AIR MAKING ALL YOUR MUSCLES SPASM.I KNOW I AM JUST GOING FROM ONE SUBJECT TO THE NEXT.BUT I THINK WE DO THAT BECAUSE IF WE WAIT UNTIL IT IS THE TIME TO SAY IT WE FORGET IT.I AM JUST SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE SO ALONE IN THIS.MY PAIN MANG DOCTOR'S NAME IS ORLANDO FLORETE.AND HE IS DOWN HERE IN JAX BAPTIST HOSPITAL. THE AMOUNT OF PAIN MEDICATION YOU TAKE IS NOT A LOT AT ALL.AND THERE IS SO MUCH I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BUT IT IS AFTER 6 A.M. AND I REALLY NEED TO GO TO BED.I HAVE HAD AN INFECTION OF STAPH IN THESE ORAL IMPLANTS IN MY MOUTH THAT HAVE CAUSED ME SO MUCH PAIN THAT I REALLY NEED TO GET SOME REST.BUT YOUR CRY FOR HELPL TOUCHED ME SO DEEPLY THAT I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS BEEN TREATED UNFAIRLY.NOT EVEN ALL MEDICAL DOCTORS WHO'S SPECIALTY IS PAIN MANG ARE GOOD DOCTORS.I TOO HAVE A GREAT PSYCHIATRIST.DO SOME RESEARCH ON YOUR COMPUTER.MAKE COPIES.LET THEM READ IT AND MAYBE IT HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING IN THEM THAT THEY ARE AFRAID TO REALLY GIVE YOU THE MEDICINE YOU NEED.I SEND MY CHRISTIAN LOVE TO YOU.I SEND TEN THOUSAND ANGELS TO GUARD YOU.PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP.EVEN THOUGH I HAVE FELT THE SAME AND I MIGH FEEL THAT WAY LATER ON TODAY.YOU KNOW SOME PEOPLE SAY TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.IT SEEMS LIKE THAT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME.I JUST HAPPENED TO FEEL SOMEWHAT BETTER THROUGH THE EVENING AND I SAW YOUR HEARTACHE AND NEEDED TO TELL YOU RIGHT THEN THAT I AM STANDING BESIDE YOU.I AM HOLDING YOUR HAND.I AM YOUR FRIEND.NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS YOU LIVE IN THAT BODY FOR GOOD OR ILL.AND NO ONE,NOT EVEN ME CAN SAY I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL.I AM JO...AND WE WILL TALK AGAIN.BECAUSE IT DOES HELP.TAKE CARE AND HANG ON.....ALL MY PRAYERS GO WITH YOU....JO

sandyld

12/19/08 3:08am

His name is Jesus. He loves you. And now you have me as a friend. I know how you feel about wanting death. I don't want to kill myself, but I find myself envious of friends that have died, one from wreck, one from a heart attack. I just get so tired of the pain and brain fog. I have had fybromyalgia since 1987. Finaly in 1993 I had to come off on disability. I am a Respiratory Care Practitioner. I had a seventeen year old patient. He had binge drinking and taking drugs, he was on a ventilator and was waking up and becoming increasingly combative. His tube inside his lung was unstable and I was trying to secure it. To make a long story short after forty five minutes or so, I had his life support stabilized, but I could not straighten up, I had been leaning over him all that time and I had starting putting my weight on my elbows because my muscles in back were buring white hot pain. The Security and three nurses had to lift me off the bed. I never worked another day. I loved my job, had just finished some college courses and traiing to special in Emergency Pediatric Care. Did not get to use my knowledge. But find myself craving peace and pain free hours. I can get so confused and my loving husband of thirty four years calls me weak. and that I can do better than that if I tried. This is the same husband that has had Chronic Head Pain, cluster headaches and seizures the past thirty years. I would crawl with him on the floor when his head pain had lasted up to nine days. I wanted him to know I was there, I loved him and he was not alone. He begged me to kill him or help him to do it. Of course I did not. I also worked full time as a Nursing attendant and attended classes for RCP and we had two sons in elementary school. He could not work full time because of his head pain. I had a fall at work down some stairs in 1987. It knocked my SI and Pelvic joint out of place. I had all symptoms of disc injury but they did not find any on the tests they done. I too, was told it was all in my head ; I was being subjective not objective. One Dr told me in his experiance Work Comp injuies took a lot longer to heal. He was going to do an EEG on my lower back. I asked him to do one on my neck and and upper back too. He told me the test would just prove that I was malingering. I had the test. It showed that I had C-2, C-3, T-2, and L-3, L-4, L-5, S-1 RADICULOPATHY. That was the term then used for nerve pain. I also now get head aches. My husband went with me to get the test results and the Dr acted like a different person, all sugary and sweet talking. I did not see him again. It is 2:17 a.m here, the reason I am up is my husband had a bad head ache and some seizure activity, i massaged his scalp and neck for as long as I could take the pain in my arms and neck. He is asleep. I am up sleepless and in pain. When my sister and I came home from shopping earlier, before he had the headache. My sister had to drive home my legs and feet were hurting so bad I couldn't drive safely. That is something new the foot pain. Just a couple of years but it is getting worse. My Dr thinks it might be bone spurs. When I came in and sat beside my husband on our couch and took off my shoes and I was in really bad pain. He said in a real sarcastic voice "Oh poor you, poor sandy, poor poor you." I wanted to hit him with my shoe but I don't believe in violence. He takes my love and care for him for granted and he doesn't show me any kind of support or sympathy. I do not question his pain. He makes fun of mine. He complains about the house being messed up, I have the chronic fatigue along with the fibromyalgia and the nerve pain and foot pain. He could help if he wanted too. Does everyone out there have a significant other that treat them this way after the "Pain last too long". So they get tired of being nice and having to put up with us. I wonder how he would treat me if I had cancer? What I do have is REAL, IT IS DIBILITATING, IT STEALS YOUR SELF ESTEEM, YOUR FEELING OF SELF WORTH! I WISH! I WISH! I COULD WORK IN MY CHOSEN FIELD. I WISH I HAD THE GUTS TO LEAVE HIM. My family does not believe in divorce. But he obviously has no real feelings of compasion or like let alone love for me. I am sorry hamstergirl I meant to try and let you know there are many many many of us out here that feel the way you do. I feel embarrased if I have to go to the ER. They also treat me with what I feel is comtempt. I worked with some of these nurses, they know my history. I also have had a renal infarction. I have had many stents put in my right ureter. The scarring gives me a lot of pain. I have to have blood work every three months for my kidney. The ER team act like I'm Dr shopping or just there to get high on pain shot. I just wish I could! In the area of KY where I live it has become "protocol" to water your pain injections down with saline. I swear I don't think they even give you any thing! If you take a spoon of instant coffee and put in a cup of hot water you would have a cup of coffee. if you put that same spoon of coffee into a gallon of hot water. what do you have? Nothing that tastes like coffee, and nothing that feels like a pain shot. Sweet hampstergirl I have never met you but you are my comrade. Please hang in there! Death will come in it's time; please don't make it yours. My thoughts and my prayers are with you and all the other I haven't met or talked too on this journey we are on. It is indeed a lonely one at times and so very hard to just make it through one day or one hour at a time. We must stick together and hold each other up even if it is with the written words.

hamstergirl

6/13/09 4:02pm

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to reply. I have been a hermit half my life. I learned as a child that my only escape from my parents' emotional abuse was solitude, because I feared every other human would treat me the same way.

I have known other abuse survivors, including a dear lady who is one of my helpers. Every last one of them finds it very difficult to leave their abuser. It took me 22 years for me to leave my parents, and it takes an exceptional amount of desperation and a second botched surgery for a handicapped person to tell her primary caregivers that she is leaving them for good. I headed into a situation where I had one friend supporting me and no safety net. Five hundred miles from my family, no attendants, no doctors. I need a good support system in order to survive. I needed help with cooking meals, showering laundry. My hip removal was less than a year behind me, causing tremendous post-op pain. I was taking nothing for it. I had never needed painkillers once I was home from the hospital, and it took me a long time to realize I had that option and the hardest lesson for me came when those painkillers didn't work very well.

I had to build a whole support system from the ground up, but I did it with a lot of help. But nothing could have prepared me for a life with chronic pain. I thought initially that I would be able to handle it. My handicap had led to episodes of pain, but chronic pain was a far different enemy than any I had ever known.

It's even harder when someone you care about is belittling you or is telling you that your meds should be killing the pain. I left due to abuse, but I had to be pushed to the edge of my endurance in order to do it. I am helping another woman in an abusive relationship. She is also finding it hard to leave. I am seriously thinking of undergoing some training in counselling myself so I can somehow help this woman take the "next step".

Not only did it take me 22 years to leave my abuser, but I was so desperate to leave, I asked my only friend at the time to be there when I confronted my parents so they couldn't intimidate me into going with them. And I knew from experience they would turn on him and humiliate me in front of him. And that's exactly what happened. My father even tried to start a fist fight with him. He said my friend had no right to be there because he wasn't the parent of a disabled child.

This whole event took place in a restaurant on a university campus, the day after my 22nd birthday. My siblings do not even realize that I left home to go to school. My sister had to find out I had cerebral palsy by digging in a desk in secret. She is afraid of my parents finding out. I am enraged by this last detail, but my sister got upset when I mentioned it on-line, on a website that demanded users use real names.

I went on-line on a website with other disabled people, people who might have answers, answers I would never get from my own flesh and blood. Fear and ignorance rules my family and silence is the number one law that is enforced at all costs. My parents rule my family thru fear, enforced silence and abuse and it has torn our family apart. I've been their scapegoat for half my life and I want answers! But my family will never be one on this side of Heaven. Only Jesus can heal my family and my parents will have to face him one day. On that day, screaming and pointing fingers at me won't cut the mustard. I can only assume that there is much more than depression involved here and that my parents are far more sicker emotionally than even they realize and I hope my family is healed before they meet Jesus. But I am in no position to help my family, let alone be their scapegoat anymore.

I have my own hell to deal with. Chronic pain is the closest thing to Hell any human will ever experience. You do what you have to in order to survive, except there has to be more to life than just existing. And I don't have all the answers yet, maybe I never will.

I will never go on another website that demands real names. My sister did nothing wrong as far as I am concerned. I am outraged that no one ever told my sister the basics of my condition. No one ever shielded me from the brutal truths of my condition when I was a child. I was hospitalized alone, hundreds of miles from home. By age 10, I had had disabled friends die, knew friends were going to die years before they knew and was asked by staff to keep it quiet. I spent 18 months in a psychiatric facility for the retarded that was little more than a hellhole. I was five years old when they sent me. I've lived under the belief it was my own fault. They won't even let me see the records from that place "for fear of pushing me over the edge". But I am close to the edge now, if not over it. And I am sick of feeling like I've wronged my family in the worst way imaginable, while I live in so much pain.

From previous experience, I know that if a condition like this hits me, it's usually for good. It is not like me to dwell on suicide and it is not like me to be so depressed, but chronic pain does terrible things to the mind and it's outrageous when other people treat you like dirt for it, people who aren't in pain and who should know better.

I have a lot on my young shoulders, but what you said stayed within my heart. I intend to write back to everyone on here who has written to me. It will just take some time. This is a good board. The experts here care about what happens to you, unlike many MDs or family members.

Destined (triggering)

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