Hi,
I suffer from chronic pain in my neck, shoulders and arms due to DDD in my neck. I find the most difficult thing about chronic pain is finding someone who understands me and with whom I can share intimacy. I have had two relationships with beautiful women, but they ended in disaster because they understandably wanted to lay and caress and talk more. I too want to do these things, but sometimes the pain is too great. I would love to meet a lovely woman who understands issues arising from chronic pain, and I just don't know how to go about it. Meeting someone and developing a relationship has in the past been easy for me, but it is now difficult and I miss intimacy with a special someone so much. I am very intimate and sensitive and it's killing me not to have a companion. I have thought about going places online to possibly meet someone with similar issues so we can understand each other and work around physical issues that make intimacy difficult, but I don't know where to go or how to approach it. One of the ladies I was in a relationship thought I wasn't "manly" enough, and that really tanked my self-esteem, so I'm also very scared. She didn't understand how relatively well I cope with pain and how much courage that takes. Does anyone have any experiences similar to mine?
Russell
I wish I had the answer. I wish I could tell you of the way I overcame the longing to be in an intimate relationship. But like you, I miss intimacy. We usually shy away from the subject. It is too hard to deal with. We are already dealing with the burning desire to have as normal a life as possible. Just getting up and walking across the floor can is a triumph in our lives. Others take that for granted. And don't understand the joy and excitement we get from little daily achievements. I don't know if it is possible for a person who has excellent health to understand our little triumphs.
Over the years, I have had relationships that seemed to be flourishing. About the fourth or fifth flare up of chronic arthritic pain, or a major surgery, or a bout with depression, and the tone of the relationship would noticeable change. I think they saw it as rejection. Not so. At that time, I was giving my health the time and the energy it needed to heal.
Missing a big life event was sometimes unforgivable in the other person's eyes. And, actually, I truly understood their disappointment. I was disappointed too.
May we both be successful in our quest to find intimacy again. But, this time with like minds.
Hi K,
I noticed on your profile you are dealing with many more afflictions than I. I do understand the little triumphs. I must admit I can only attempt to imagine your days since they likely are much worse than mine. Sometimes I do realize my health could be worse, but that focus is hard to hang on to when my shoulders and arms burn so much all the time. Thank you for responding and reminding me to appreciate the parts of my body that work.
What has your experience with doctor's been like? I mean in a general way. I have had a hard time with doctors thinking I'm shopping for meds because I take methadone, but I do need them for the pain. So many doctors think they are the doctors and I'm the patient and they no better than I about my condition.
Your profile said you blog. What is a good blog or two for people with disabilities?
Again, thank you for responding.
Russ
Russ in the beginning I had problems with doctors not listening to me. I took control of my situation by always having a list of my other doctors (including their address and phone numbers), all my medication (the strength of the medication as well as how many times I take it a day), and all my surgeries (including the dates and who the surgeon was). I gave them the information they needed to converse with each other. It easily opened up an informed dialogue between my doctors and myself. That was what I wanted and that was exactly what I received.
I was going to two or three doctors a week. I now see my pain control doctor once a month, my general practitioner twice a year, my opthamologist four times a year, and my gynecologist once a year. What a difference my pain control doctor made. He coordinates my over all health care. That changed my whole medical regime including the psychological effect of not having to go to a doctor and think about what is wrong with me. I would rather think about what I can do. Going to one doctor allows me that luxury.
Russ, because most of my medications are government controlled, I am randomly tested for drug abuse. That is perfectly alright with me. I want to be as pain free as possible. If that means taking drug test, bring it on. I also want to live. I want to know if my body is not handling a particular medication correctly. So we all win. My doctor is not targeted for over prescribing my pain meds and I get to live my best life.
My blog site is http://livingwithachronicillness.blogspot.com/
On my site and in my life, I deal with the holistic approach of health management. It contains a list of other sites that I consider excellent reference material. And I visit them often. I think you will find this group of bloggers fascinating. Although we have not met, I consider them to be dear friends. They are my contact to the rest of the world.
When you visit, please feel free to leave a comment. I like feed back.
Mckay
Hi K,
Is that your picture at the top of your blog. You're really pretty! :)
I echo comments from the other person in this thread about how lucky you are to have an understanding husband. Must really be a great guy. I have had really rotten luck with relationships. It all started when my wife moved out with a bar owner after I had my first surgery. I had to file for divorce and take custody of my two kids. We were married 19 years. That was 8 years ago, and relationships since then have been disappointing. It's really hard at this age to find someone compatible even without a disability. At least being alone, I don't have the stress of getting berated for trivial matters. My daughter tells me I deserve someone special. I tell her I already have someone with her. :)
I'll check out your blog. Tell your husband he's a wonderful guy. :)
Russ
Hi Russ; That is my picture. Thank you for the compliment. It was taken five years ago. I am not married. The comment you referred to is my reply to CAK who is married.
CAK suggested that you be open at the beginning of a new relationship. I replied to her comment. I have been open and it does not seem to matter. What does matter is the true character of the person you are about to become involved with. That can be a little cloudy sometimes. CAK is the lucky one!
I, on the other hand, was dropped off at the emergency room. I don't say that to get sympathy. I revealed the story simply to show that you can be as open as humanly possible, but if the other person is not honest in the relationship, it will be a painful failure for you.
Although heart breaking, for you and your children to have happiness or any resembles of peace in your life, it seems that your divorce was needed.
You do deserve someone special. And it may come. But, in the mean time, you are blessed with two children. One of which is your wonderful daughter who obviously keeps your spirits high. It is a testament to your good character that you reconize her as a contributing factor toward your happiness!
I really feel for all of you. I have two failed neck surgeries and the pain is truly debilitating. My beloved husband of 30 years died 4 months after my first surgery. Shortly thereafter, a physical therapist managed to break one of the cadaver bones and separate the other from its moorings, so to speak. In the meantime, I had adequate pain meds and was able to meet a really wonderful man who witnessed the progression of my pain and helped me way beyond the call of duty after the failed second surgery. My pain experience in the last few years, since the second surgery, has escalated beyond belief. I am now looking into getting an interthecal pump. If I get it, I have the possibility of a normal life before me. My sweetheart has been understanding, but I see the toll on him and wonder how I ever got so lucky as to find such a considerate person, considering my circumstances. I too miss social occassions and spend months on end inactive and depressed. Our sexlife is good when I can and nonexistent when the pain is overwhelming. Don't give up. Continue to seek better medical solutions and remember there are some truly wonderful souls out there. I was simply lucky, I'm no one particularly special. Have faith that you have wonderful attributes that some lucky person is out there waiting to find. If someone like me can find love and an understanding soul wrapped into one, so can you. Meanwhile, keep searching for medical solutions to your pain--you're worth it!