My thoughts and prayers go out to her family and friends.
The pain and grief that one goes through when a loved one dies is very much comparable to the pain and grief one goes through when one is in chronic pain and no one understands why. I have felt both myself so I know, I am an expert at them.
I have been in pain for over 40 years and have been in that place without hope as Karen so put it.
When you loose someone the pain that is felt is never forgotten, but does ease as time goes by, but that same physical pain that one has to live with does not ease. It is with us all the time and no medication, healing, pray will make it go away. We all are only human and sometimes it is just to much and we go into crisis mode and we want out. I too have been close to that point. I too am glad that i did not miss the laugh i had next day, the smile I brought to someones face. Knowing how I have felt after loosing a loved one kept me going, not wanting anyone else to have to feel the pain that I felt.
Getting through life with chronic pain is much different when you have people in your life who don't question your pain, but love you and believe you when you are hurting. It is hard enough to have to live the way we do hurting all over, but to be hurt emotionally because we are throught less off because of our pain or we have to validate our pain to others. It is a terrible thing. When someone has a headache we can't see the pain, but we believe them, I don't understand when someone says "you look fine", so therefore you can't be in pain. How sad is this is, to be that alone in life when you have no one who believes in you or your pain.
Please if anyone is ever at this place here in our group write us, wait just a few more days and we will be there for you, let us help you. WE EMBRACE YOUR PAIN, because we know your pain.
Lisa
I am new to this website and have been welcomed with warmth and kindness. I am so sad that Carla's pain was so great that out was the only option she thought she had. I lost a stepson to suicide (I found him). It was one of the most horrifying days of my life. The problem with suicide is the stigma attached to it, and the difficulty people find talking about it. I hope and pray for her family. I hope the find a support group where they can share freely. One that helped me was survivours of suicide an online group. It was a place that I could talk freely and get support.
Thank-you Karen for your kind words.
I am both saddened that this young woman had absolutly no one to pull her back.I have lived most of my life in pain.Operations that never work.Doctors making me feel like it is my fault or it is all in my head.If there is no one to tell you that is a lot of bunk,you start believing it yourself.That is where I am very lucky.I have been married 3 times.My first 2 husbands were alcoholics and drug abusers.I never wanted my children to be raised in that kind of enviroment.So I went to live with my parents and 3 girls for 5 years until I met and married the perfect husband.Or as near as you can get.Because no one is perfect.He sees me everyday and knows how hard it is for me to brush my teeth.Or to take a shower which causes pain.Or if I have to cancel at the last minute because of panic attacks.Or where we are about to go I am met with the people who watch and judge me.Oh she stumbled she must be on drugs.Or I just want the old mother back that she used to be.Don't these kind of people understand what damage they do? Don't medical people understand that we are not kidding.Does a person have to committ suicide in order to be taken seriously.I have been so close to suicide,more than I could count.There are days I can only lay in bed with pain.And I have strong medications.So why does the pain continue.I think that is the question on every one who suffers in chronic pain.When if ever will it stop? Almost anyone can bear a thing when they know that there will be an end to it.Like when you are in labor,having a baby,well that is about the hardest pain I have ever known.And I was in labor 3 days.I know if there had been a gun near I probably would have used it on myself.I never knew such pain.But the reasoning part of my mind kept telling me that there would be and end to it.That I would go home with something prescious.But this,the pain we all endure.And the fact that even though some of us have great doctors and good psychiatrist and couselors.Still those kind people don't have to endure what we do.No one can even tell another sufferer how it is for them.What has made my pain so terrible.Is that my daughter and sister and a few people in my family that listen to these others have damaged me for life.Even if they today said to me I am so sorry I didn't understand.The damage has been done.I too wish every night God please take me to a place where there is no pain.That is the day I wait for.And none of us have to apologize for doing what we have to do to have some quality of life.I do greave for this woman and to all her friends and family who are probably scratching their heads and wondering why.We do not wonder.We know!!And so Carla go with God and I am indeed a little jealous to know that you are not in pain anymore.I hope that all of you will understand that.I feel that you do.I know that when I am the most depressed,it is the hardest time for me to ask for help.Even though I know it is there for the asking.Maybe one day they will come up with new opioids that are not addictive and maybe then we will stopped being judged.There is only one judge and that is God.I know if he forgives murderers and rapist.Surely he will understand a wonderful woman who just could not handle life anymore.This is from Jo.I thank all of you for caring for me also.I care for all of you.So I guess there is only one thing left for us.And that is HOPE.....
My thoughts & prayers go out to all of Carla's family & friends. Peaceful wishes for Carla! I wish she could have found a DR &/or supportive pain team that could have helped her.
I too have gone through simular circumstances. There were 2 times I seriously thought about suicide. One of the times I came the closest, but my children are what kept me from it. Even though I was being told how hard it on the kids & how I'm negatively effecting them. (Taking pain med's, having to stop working, having to be down all the time, was teaching them that it's ok to give up & not fight for what you really want. Yada,yada,yada!) -*I loved them too much & they loved me, I new they would rather have me in their lives this way, then not at all, as did I.*
I feel the emotional pain is as bad, if not harder to handle then the physical pain.
To be questioned by your DR is bad enough, (they do make you question yourself with their disbelief if they can't find an answer.) -But the right thing to do is to refer you to the next Dr that might be able to help you...and so on!
The worst "pain" I ever felt, was to be questioned & not believed by the people whom mean the most to me, my family! Not only did it intensify my already existing pains, but now my heart was being crushed! My god, I could actually feel all the sides caving into each other, with each tear (crush), each distant look (crush),disconcerting response-or lack of response (crushing). To be thought as a wimp-with a low threshold for pain, or exaggerator, or just lazy, tears away at your self esteem. You start thinking,"God, if these people don't care...why should I!" There the foundation has started being layed toward the road to suicidal thoughts!
How easy it comes to fruition in the minds of the most loving,thoughtul,caring,giving ,strong persons, you never would have guest. The medical field & people whom have friends & loved ones that deal with chronic pain/illnesses need to be aware of this!
I've gone from believing my marraige was over, and being told that my own Mother was telling my husband that, "He would be better to divorce me, (and she wouldn't blame him)" and "he should take total custody of our kids because (I) obviously couldn't care for them...She/(I) can't even take care of herself!" WOW, that was hard to hear!...PS. She also told my in-laws the same thing! AKK! Thanks Mom!!
Also, being fired from my pain DR.! -"You're on your own & you better find someone who's willing to prescribe methodone or moriphine for your pain....and you have less then a month to figure it out!" -OK, I'll detox myself & start again. Wrong, I was actually black-balled just like a sorority or faternity! The reason being that I missed too many apt's. -(2 to be excact, because of forgetting- remember fibro-fog!! )I did have to reschedule a few too, because I literally couldn't get out of bed. The DR's nurse actually told me that," I was costing him more moneys than he would make keeping my apt's! -And remember he doesn't like "fibro" cases "because you can't ever please them & they complain too much!" Which he did say to me, but he said he make an exception to taking on a fibro patient with me because I wasn't the "norm", I could still be bubbly & smiling.
I survived and yes, things have improved. I feel as if I have more support, due to educating the people in my life. It's funny how much of an impact and influence other people can have over your loved ones when learning to deal with chronic illness. Thank god someone did! I hope inreturn I can do the same. In many ways Carla is going to too. I hope her family & friends will help too, in due time.
My heart goes out to all whose life Carla touch! She's now touched mine.
*Rest in peace Carla*
Bambi
My thoughts and prayers go out to Carla's family and friends. This tears at my heart! And I can relate to what she went through so much.
Also in reply to Bambi's post, Bambi...your doctor cannot just "dump" you! At least I know they can't here in Oklahoma. According to the Oklahoma Board of Medical Licensure & Supervision it states:
Once a physican undertakes treatment of a patient, he or she has a continuing legal duty to treat that patient until the need for his or her services is at an end or until the physician/patient relationship is terminated lawfully. Physicians who improperly terminate a physician/patient relationship risk both civil lawsuits and charges of unprofessional conduct for patient abandonment.
A physician must exercise reasonable and ordinary care in determining when the physician's services are no longer needed. Generally speaking, a physician MUST CONTINUE TO PROVIDE SERVICES AS LONG AS THE CASE REQUIRES IT.
Unlike a patient, wo may lawfully terminate the physician/patient relationship at any time, a physician may withdraw before the need for his or her services is at an end ONLY after giving the patient prior notice. THAT NOTICE MUST AFFORD THE PATIENT AMPLE OPPORTUNITY TO SECURE ANOTHER EQUALLY COMPETENT PHYSICIAN PRIOR TO THE WITHDRAWL. = He has to still treat you until another physician is found!
Our Board also states:
Inappropriate pain treatment may result from physician's lack of knowledge about pain management. Fears of investigation or sanction by federal, state and local agencies may also result in inappropriate treatment of pain. Appropriate pain management IS THE TREATING PHYSICIAN'S RESPONSIBILITY. As such, the Board will consider the inappropriate treatment of pain to be a DEPARTURE from standards of practice and WILL investigate such allegations, recognizing that some types of pain cannot be completely relieved, and taking into account whether the treatment is appropriate for the diagnosis.
Pain should be assessed and treated PROMPTLY and the quantity and frequency of doses should be adjusted according to the intensity, duration of the pain and treatment outcomes. Physician's should recognize that tolerance and physical dependence are normal consequences of sustained use of opioid analgesics and ARE NOT the same as addiction.
Physicians should not fear disciplinary action from the Board for ordering, prescribing, dispensing or administering controlled substances, including opioid analgesics, for a legitimate medical purpose and in the course of professional practice.
The physician's conduct will be evaluated to a great extent by the outcome of pain treatment, recognizing that some types of pain cannot be completely relieved, and by taking into account whether the drug used is appropriate for the diagnosis, as well as improvement in patient functioning and/or quality of life.
I was diagnosed in 1992 with Fibro by one of the most highly respected Neurologists/Neurosurgeons in my state. Back then, doctors referred to it as primary fibrositis. He did prescribed meds that did work for me at that time. My Fibro, back then, would come and go so to speak, but in 2000, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no insurance, so I had to start seeing the doctors at O. U. Medical Center and had to apply for their program called "Charity Assistance" in order to have my bills paid which certainly helped. It STILL took me two years to get a doctor to believe me as well as finding one that actually understood what Fibro does to a person, this was in 2003. Also know that in having to go to O.U. Med. Cntr., you're seeing "residents", students, so every year or two, you get a new doctor and have to go through the entire process of explaining everything going on with you AGAIN. They did, back in 2003, actually start treating my pain, and have done so ever since. Some of the residents still treated me like I was a "drug seeker", even though they would still continue providing me with my meds. My newest pcp doctor there is the greatest! Thank God for him! He is one of those "rare" finds, one that truly understands Fibro and does not hesitate to prescribe pain meds. The only complaint I would have, is that after 5 years of being on ONLY 2 pain pills daily along with 2 muscle relaxers, I have reached the point that I am needing more. I do not dare ask for more, as I'm afraid, like most of you, they (doctors), will think I'm becoming addicted to them, instead of them realizing hey...she's been on just 2 of each all of these years, and of course needs more now. The way is stands, I take one of each in the early morning hours, suffer throughout the day until around 2 to 3 in the afternoon and then take the other two of each. Most days the pain is more than I can bear, I know you all know this. I also read a post about the doctors from India, I can totally relate to that as well. Quite often the doctors I see at O. U. Med. Cntr. have been from India. They have proven to be the most heartless of all. I do not understand why that is, unless it's a communication problem going on. They just "don't get us" so to speak. My new pcp doctor is AMERICAN thank God, so there is no communication breakdown. One problem I have, and have told my pcp doctor about, there are days where I just HAVE to take 1 1/2 of my pain pills the pain is so great. He tells me that is okay, but then I tell him, well no it isn't because then I run out of my pills sooner than usual, then what?? Because they won't refill them any sooner! And then there's the problem of him giving me only 60 a month...well what about those months with 31 days?? So I'm just supposed to "buck it up" one day and go totally without? Do you read the inserts for the meds? Do you understand how DANGEROUS it is to have been taking these drugs for so many years and to just suddenly stop?? Even my pharmacist has raised cain with my doctors about them doing this to me. It does no good. There's only so much cain I can raise for fear they'll just take them all away from me for good! Anyway, my point to all of this is all of you...check out the rules for prescribing meds for whatever state you live in. Print these off and take them with you and hand your doctor a copy. That is what I do.
Again, my thoughts and prayers are with Carla's family and friends. This hits me hard. I love you Carla, and love and care and pray for all of you daily, Abby.
By the time I had my feelings of suicide, I wasn't even one year into my condition (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy). Everything seemed to be getting worse. The pain was just so extreme. I felt like such a burden on my family. I felt that they deserved so much better. I couldn't be more grateful to have my wonderful son to fall back on. He is going to turn 11 this year and has taken on a huge stress with me and my illness. I lived without a parent due to death from AIDS, and there was NO WAY I would put my son through those horrible feelings. He saved my life. It is 1 year later now, almost 2 years with my condition, and I can say that I am stronger now. I don't like the pain and I get very snappy when I go through my flare ups, but my family loves me and I want to stick around because I happen to love them back immensly.
I feel very saddened when someone takes their life because the support group needed to help them through their hard time was lacking. That's why we should always try our hardest to be the support that they need.
Hugs. I pray that God is holding you in His arms right now and you are pain free, as you should be.
Christine
I did not know Carla but I understand completely the frustrations with doctors and the periods of intense pain when you can't stand to be in your own body and skin.......when you think you can't stand one more minute........when you think the intense pain will never back off.........when you think what am I contributing to the world now..........when you think that you are such a burden to family and friends and when you think there is no one who will or can understand what you are going through.
By the grace of God, for now, I am strong enough to fight through this kind of emotional pain. Supportive friends and family are so important even just to talk about something else than pain. Sometimes, when the pain continues for so long, those closest to you become hardened to us chronic pain people. I understand they also need to have their lives. If they could only understand that when the pain becomes overwhelming we need them so much.
Anyway, I just wanted to say to Carla's family, how sorry I am for their loss and to say to the pain community that as Karen says we must try to alway have hope that the next minute, hour, day or week could be better. I live with hope and now with all of you I am not alone with pain.
Dockside
My Birthday is comeing, and my one friend who really understands what I go thru daily, gave me a bracelet, It says,PEACE STARTS WITHIN...........I know all to well what she was feeling, I just wish someone could have helped her. But I know how Dr's work, they are immmune to what they are treating you for............sad but true..
May God welcome you, and wash all your pain away.
love,
Sherry
i didn't know carla but i can relate.there have been many times i wish God would just take me out of here! i hate the pain,depression,anxiety & hopelessness.i pray for carla's family that God comforts them & that carla's pain is over & she is at peace & is comforted in God's loving care.God bless all who knew & loved carla.
Remember the movie "Network" and that saying?
I do not know you, nor did I know Carla but I cannot tell you how mad and hurt that she had to take her life to end her pain.
Each of us has are own level that we can stand and work with. Mine used to be high but now is much lower after having surgeries. As most of you do, I now have major depressive disorder to boot.
Find a Doctor that will treat you. I never heard of contracts until i saw them here but i have had doctors who fail at there jobs anf are actually afraid to administer the medications we need.
My only advice is to start with a younger english speaking doctor as they are fresher out of med school and may take you on as a challenge etc. and two, languages are quite different and what you are telling your Indian doctor may not be what he knows or hears.
The dumbest man to pass med school is still called doctor and foregin doctors only have to take a test here in america to be a doctor here. Never give up, get mad and find one that cares and knows how to treat you.
I know of what i am taking about.
Never is ending your life worth it, "they" don't care. Move if you must but find help!
Please don't ever consider suicide because a doctor fails to treat you!
Get Mad - Get Help.
Karen:
May I ask what the "first key element" of your treatment plan was...
Very discouraging to read about Carla although there's no way
I can judge, negatively, what she's done. I have said for years
that there are things worse than death and apparently Carla
thought so too.
Like others in this group I've had chronic pain for years (three
decades to be exact) and I've thought about suicide. I'm sure
the one thing that kept me from it was the fear that I wouldn't
do "enought" to really kill myself...I haven't felt suicidal for
several years now but I have to pick myself up from bootstraps
as I have no family at all and most of my friends have left...
My faith has meant the most to me over these long years, friends
and family die or leave, but the Lord never leaves nor forsakes us.
Carol
How much longer and how many more lives as to be lost because of the Doctor`s and GOV? This bother`s me to no end.When are they going to step up to the bat and see there the one`s making us commit suicide.I blame them!!! I`m pissed and wish i was in better health to do more.
I too have thought of killing myself many many time`s because of PAIN and the way we`re treated by everyone.But one thing stops me! My dear sweet sister commited suicide in 97. It was one of the worst day of my life and her family`s.She too was in severe pain and they labled her bipolar and gave her meds that wasn`t right for her.So few weeks later she shot herself for 3 little kids to find her dead.That day i lost my sister,my best friend and she was like a daughter I always helped raise her.Now I have her children and there wonderful kids.They help me more than I do them.I can`t clean my house no more and they do it for me.So when i get bad in pain and think of suicide I think of them and my children and wouldn`t ever put them through the grief that we went through over the years.Over her dying I now have post traumatic stress and major depression disorder to add to all my illness`s.
God Bless You Carla and your family.I pray we get help soon before we lose more people to suicide.We can`t help it we`re in pain.Helps Us instead of fighting us please.
I am saddened by the death of another one of us in pain . I remember planing death to the last detail several years ago wish that a severe illness took me and today I am fighting like heck type 3 stage 3 c uterine carsonoma ... That is a pretty bad cancer with a 50/50 several rate . I am only here because i could not hurt my kids , husband and parents because i can remember how death of a loved one effects me . I wont say it has been easy and worse some times but understanding chronic pain and depression that most of us have with chronic pain and people on another pain site have helped . I have a great pain psych who i do biofeedback and talk therapy has helped termendiously . So has understanding my ptsd that many of us also have because of all of the bad thing that have happened to us along with the quality of life we are left with because of the pain . I have drs who understand me and a family who accept me for the most part . Of course they do not understand chronic pain a whole lot and its conqunces but have accepted me and my pain what I have to give .
I have not always had good drs . I have had to search and search for different drs and someone who understood me and my pain . I also have many pain sources because of sugeries and failed surgeries on my spine so my drs now see a reason for my pain so it is much easier for me now ( even before cancer ) than someone where the dr can not find a reason for the pain source and so many drs do not believe or will treat fibro myalgia . I was there with migraines with some drs not believing me ( my pcp believed me and that is where most of our referals to other drs come from ) . So I went from neuroligist to another to a pain dr and felt unserstood and recieved meds to help with the migraines besides just a triptan to abort the migraine . I need pain killers to help with the pain of the migaines before it goes full blast . I need both triptans and pain meds to help or stop it .
My pain is less in some ways now but I also have new pains . I am very lucky because i have a pain dr who treats me with complete respect . I dont mean that he keeps upping my dose and have a few times felt he treated me unfairly about my pain levels and him stopping to raise my pain med dose . I think that we have had our differences is when he has not raised my dose when new or different pains to past his safety zone of narcotic dosages . I felt like a drug seeker with him at those times . The problem is when ever a dr questions us about our narcotics and doses we go into a defence mode and feel like they do not believe us or our pain . The way that I try to look at ot NOW ( after my pain psych helped me with understanding why my dr did it because non of the tests showed any thing any worse to warrent an increase to a certain point ) and talking about it openly with my pain dr . when any other dr stops or takes me off other meds because it does not work or lessen the symptoms or even when the risk does not out way the bennifit I do not take it the same way as I feel about a dr not raising my dosage of narcotics . I have been on severval drugs that didnt work so the dr took me off of them . Llke ibuprorhen it helps my pain quite a bit but it has bad side effects for me so he took me off . Man if that was a narcotic a dr took me off of or lowered I would feel so aweful like the dr did not think my pain was enough to warent the narcotics and felt like a drug seeker . I really get a lot of relief with my arthritis with steroids or ibprorhen but my stomach can not take it and steriods can cause so much damage even some times cancers . Steroids have kept me from where Carla is now in the past. Only a 5 mgs dose helps my pain but my dr took me off of it . The dr made me feel pretty weak for needing steroids for ulcerative colitis arthritis but never as bad as my pain dr stoping to raise my pain meds . She called me a week latter and told me that she would call in a script for 5 mgs steriods . Yes the dr kind of hurt my feelings but i never once felt the same terrible feelings i did when my pain dr after a few tests could not see fit to raise my pain meds any further than he did which was about a 20% raise of dossage . i dont think any of us would think that our drs do not believe our pain because they cut back our doseage of iboprophine or took us off of them or any other meds like that . It is the stigma of our narcotic pain meds that society has put on narcotics and the feeling of being less of a person for needing pain relief . Our dr not giving us narcotics or raising our dosage when the pain gets worse really makes me and most of us feel like a drug seeker . My increase i speak of was pain from my cancer ............. So please do not give up hope that someone will help you and believe you .
Also think about if a dr would raie your dose of any other medicine if it didnt help you very much and had bad side effects ( like narcotics do would you continue to use those drugs . I feel that my pain dr respond more faverable if they see that my pain meds do help some . Not much at times but are so much better than without them . A dr is more willing to up a dose or keep you on pain meds if the see that they do help you in some ways . I have found that if I give my dr a favorible responce with my increase of dose of pain meds , though it dosent help much I try to tell him/her something favorible with my pain and pain levels . I mean why would a dr give you any other type of meds if they didnt help you much or just minumily . . So always try to find something good about what pain meds help you expecially when talking to the dr who gave you the pain meds .
one thing that my pain psych lives by helping those of us in pain is to believe us and our pain . He believes that just because a dr can nor find a cause of our pain it is because drs have not given us the right test or what we have has not been found byor under stood by drs or the dr that we have .... It doesnt mean that you are not in pain .. He feels like we do have pain but drs are not smart enough to understands what is happening with you . It is not that you do not hurt it is that dr is not yet smart enough to figure out your pain and it causes . It is not YOU it is the drs who can not figure out your pain and pain generators .
I send my sympathies to Carla's family and friends. I firmly believe that she has gone to a better place. It saddens me terribly that she too, hurt to the point that it had to come to this. I have seen first hand the devestating effects such actions have on a person's family and friends and it creates incredible sadness, guilt, pain, anger, etc. This is what keeps me here.
I fully understand Carla's suffering as I have been down that road so many times before. Similarly to Carla, I am 25 and have been in pain for the past 15 years. My dreams for life have transformed into ones of death. I'm not ashamed to say it, I have tried to take my life five times. I am still here and it continues to be a daily struggle. Crying out for help in such drastic measures will not have your pain taken any more seriously, quite the contrary. The pain continues to be there, along with added emotional suffering and any sequels caused by failed attempts.
For as long as I can remember, I have secretly and shamefully wished that I would become terminally ill or would have and accident that would confine me to a wheelchair or would require an amputation, because I believed (I still do actually) that it would be easier than to suffer just as much pain without ever being taken seriously, without having it be visible to those around me, to medical staff, to anybody.
Anti-depressants and other psych meds fail to provide me with relief and no other kind is offered, soI have had to take pain management into my own hands and the best method I have found to channel my pain, is to inflict more pain onto myself (I wouldn't recommend it to anyone).
I look at myself, at what my life has become, at all my potentiel that is going to waste, and it makes me so angry. I am angry that people like me have to come to this, that so little help is offered, that so many are not taken seriously. I believe the worst kind of cruelty that exists is ever doubting that life is supposed to be beautiful and having those who are supposed to help you, reinforce that doubt.
With time, I realise more and more that life is difficult not only for me, but for everyone. Pain does not discriminate. I refuse to believe that God would create us to live a life of suffering, but I have not found any better answer. I cannot believe that this is life. There has to be some reason for life, for humanity to exist. I hope that Carla has found the answer to this question and has found peace along with it.
This was posted in the ART area of this connection, but I felt it certainly put my feelings and those of us in unrelenting pain in context. I've fought my pain since age 18 and going back to age 8 when I had my first pain experience. My arm just swelled and the pain was terrible. Taken to the Dr. they had no idea except possibly Juniviel Arthritis...then years later "Fibro" made its entrance and my life changed forever. Have I considered suicide, of course. I was once put in rehab because they felt I was threatning the same. What actually happened was the ER denied me pain meds even tho I had a script for an injection of demerol. When I asked what I needed to do..."go out and score drugs on the street, rather than trying to go thru the system...?" I wound up in rehab. They felt this was a suicide threat. What is ironic is once enrolled in Rehab, they gave me my drugs I just had to stand in line with psychotic, depressed, misdiagnosed, etc. patients. After 10 days I was released with scripts. TALK ABOUT MEDICAL BEAURACY!. I had still many years of fights with future doctors. The latest just a few months ago moving from AZ to MD. I had a go-in with a pseudo-God/so called Dr. who absolutely refused to refill my Oxycontin script. Giving me the "drug dependency/dangerous/addictive speech". Unbelievable!I'm sorry Carla felt there were no options, but we are lead to believe that at certain times. I'm disappointed in those who knew her, perhaps her family who did not believe her. I've been down that road as well. Even to the point of having a Pastor script a eulogy for my mother around the fact that even tho she was in incredible pain, "SHE DID NOT TAKE PAIN MEDICATIONS, CONCERNED ABOUT THE ADDICTION". Okay Mom just died and I get a guilt trip from who? My PASTOR!! If that wasn't enough to make me feel like I wanted to join my mother in her grave. People have NO IDEA. Thus my prequel to the following: "MY CURSE"My pain is what Hell must feel like. Pulling me apart inside out. Burning, pounding, stabbing. Feeling there should be a pool of blood swelling round my feet. My head explodes like a meteor smashing into the ground, making a tremendous, thundering noise. Noise like no other you've heard. Ripping apart the earth and all that had dwelled there since the beginning of time. How is it the body can swell with pain of such magnitude that you're sure you'll die,Yet you aren't allowed that reward. You're left to deal with the never-ending relentless abyss of anguish. People who see you have no idea that you're twisting and turning with a monster inside of you. That it envelopes you and every move you make. You try to think, to open your eyes, but your head is sure to collapse should you move even a millimeter. I'm sure this is Hell, my cross to bear. No one can see, so they do not believe. Doctors are an evil joke, the villian. You wish you could touch them, passing yourself into them, so they can experience what your every minute consumes. Let them be blessed with my demon for just a week. Ha! They would curl in a corner, crying out "But I didn't know, take it away". Only now you've my curse, take it to the grave with you, only in death will you be free. But I have prescription drugs for you" yet there aren't enough to drown out the drilling, suicidal pain that is you. The drugs must be limited for you may become addicted. Lest I be without this dreadful state of being, addicted to something that works a short time. It would be easier to become a whore to the drug pimp on the street corner. Let me drift away to a land of nothing so I can keep on living. What irony. Does no one see or care? I must hide my pain with something other than my true being fearing I would scare away those who see me naked. My pain bursting forth like a contorted circus clown, scaring babies into tears, children running for the consolation of their parents. Not knowing what terrible thing I must have done to be in this condition, one of millions like me. There is no recognition for us, we must be silent and on the sly. No one wants to know of us, for we may pass something onto you. All I ask is for the ability to sleep through a single night and in the waking hours to know what it is to laugh again. For even that gesture creates the feeling that my face is ripping apart. Words continue to describe my despair, but to what end? That I be taken seriously and something be done? Maybe in the next lifetime. But not today, nor tomorrow. This is my curse.Peace be with you Carla....I'm so sorry everyone let you down. God Bless.....
MY NAME IS SHARON OR SOME KNOW ME AS PIA. TO THOSE I WRITE TO I AM SORRY I HAVE NOT WRITTEN BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN WELL AND NOT USING THE COMPUTER. ARTHUR HAS NEEDED MINE SINCE HIS HAS NOT BEEN WORKING. SHIRLEY I PRAY YOUR ARE DOING BETTER AND I PRAY YOU ARE DOING BETTER.
NOW ABOUT CARLA I AM SO SADDENED. I TOO HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS MANY MANY TIMES. I HAVE LIVED WITH CHRONIC PAIN SINCE AGE 21 AND CONSISTENTLY FOR THE PAST 17 YRS WHEN I WAS DIAGNOISED WITH FM. CHRONIC FATIGUE, OA, AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. ALSO NOW WITH SJOGRENS AND THIS IS GETTING WORSE. HAD TO HAVE MY JOINTS ON BOTH SIDES REMOVED AND REPLACED WITH CUSTOM MADE JOINTS. THE SURGERY IS HORRENDOUS AND THE PAIN IS MORE THAN HORRENDOUS. ALSO HAD 20 TEETH PULLED AND LIVING WITH TEMPORARY DENTURES UNTIL I CAN GET MONEY TO HAVE THE REST OF THE WORK DONE. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON THESE PAST 3 YRS AND I AM NO WHERE NEAR DONE. JUST DIAGNOISED WITH DAILY MIGRAINES. YES, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE CARLA WAS COMING FROM. DID SHE HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM???? DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS PART ABOUT HER? WAS SHE MARRIED? ANY CHILDREN IN HER LIFE?
ALL OF THIS IS SO HORRENDOUSLY SAD. I JUST WANTED TO STOP AND CRY BUT I DID NOT. I DID WHAT I NEEDED TO DO AND THAT WAS TO HANG ON THE THAT ONE WORD ON TWO WORDS ON CONSTANTLY SAY TO MYSELF AND THEY ARE *HOPE* ALWAYS *HOPE* AND THE OTHER WORD IS THIS *BELIEVE*.
THE BELIEVE WORD STARTED WITH ME JUST A YEAR AGO EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF IT BUT WHEN MY MOM PASSED LAST YEAR FROM THAT HORRID DISEASE...ALZHEIMERS...THE RABBI HANDED ME A CARD THAT JUST SAID ...*BELIEVE* AND NEVER FORGET THAT. I HAVE THAT CARD HUNG UP ON MY WALL NEAR MY DESK SO I CAN SEE IT EVERY DAY. SO SIMPLE ARE THOSE WORDS AND SO DIFFICULT TO LIVE BY WHEN THE WORLD IS CRUMBLING AROUND US. BUT.... WHEN IT IS CRUMBLING YOU *MUST* REACH YOUR HAND OUT IN SOME DIRECTION AND GRAB ON TO ANYONE WHO WILL GRAB BACK. FIND SOME ONE WHO WILL TALK WITH YOU AND ONE WHO WILL LISTEN TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY. WHO EVER THAT PERSON MAY BE SEARCH FOR THAT PERSON AND MAKE IT A MISSION. *YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT* AND ISN'T YOUR LIFE IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MAKE THAT SEARCH IMPORTANT ENOUGH?
START THAT SEARCH NOW AND WHILE YOU ARE DOING THAT REMEMBER THOSE WORDS *HOPE* AND NEVER STOP *BELIEVING* A MIRACLE COULD BE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
LOVE TO YOU ALL AND I WILL PRAY THAT YOU ALL WILL NOT TAKE THAT JOURNEY UNTIL IT IS TIME FOR IT TO BE TAKEN BY G-D.
YOUR FRIEND ALWAYS,
SHARON
Cause of death has NOT been determined. Drama, drama, drama! I'm sick of people making assumptions w/o the facts. Your harsh words of suicide bring discredit and dishonor to Carla Olson.
I'm shocked that all of you would be so quick to jump to conclusions regarding Carla. I'm suprised that, her fellow "chronic pain" friends would lack such sensitivity during this time of loss.
I'm Carla's aunt and am sickened by what has been written about her at this web site. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE HORRIFIC PAIN HER PARENTS AND SISTERS WILL EXPERIENCE SHOULD THEY READ THIS ACCUSATION AT THIS WEB SITE. .
cll
I cannot understand the callous nature of some of these posts. There are posts here and at other places on www.healthcentral.com that state that the cause of Carla's death has not been determined. And yet, comments assuming suicide are still being posted. Sometimes they are posted immediately after comments like this one. The posts that mention suicide (I don't know where that assumption started) are abusive. I am surprised that they have been published.
I realized that often people don't read the other comments before posting their own comment, especially when there are so many as there are in this case. Therefore, I have added the following note at the end of my original SharePost that will hopefully correct the misunderstanding:
Note: 10/22/08 – As you will see in the comments, Carla's aunt notified us that as yet the cause of Carla's death has not been determined. I sincerely apologize to Carla's family and friends for any misunderstanding and misstatement of the situation. I was basing my comments on what one of her friends told us. Carla touched my heart, as she did so many others, and those of you who loved her have my deepest sympathy. I can't even begin to imagine the depths of pain and loss you must be feeling.
Sherry
I accept your apology, thank you. There is so much suffering in this world, sonetimes physical, sometimes emotional and sometimes both emotional and physical.
I wanted to protect Carla's family from additional emotional pain, so I chose to set the record straight - cause of Carla's death has not been determined!
Peace to you!
Cheryl Lund
I am saddened to hear of Carla's death. How sad that our society has so little to offer those in her circumstances that death seems preferable to living with the pain. As a psych nurse, I continue to fight the so called "experts" who do such an injustice to our depressed patients who suffer from chronic pain. I deal with this on a daily basis. I have been where many of my patients are and try to make the other nurses and the doctors understand that the pain is not just a symptom of their depression. I believe that in most instances the depression is a symptom of the unrelieved pain. I lost a brother to suicide in December of 1990. He was 31, married with 2 beautiful children (6 yr old daughter and 2 month old son). We lost a great man to an invisible disease and I miss him so much. Please everyone reading this, pray for Carla's family. This is one of the most dark and difficult times they will ever face. The feelings of loss and guilt are overwhelming. Sue
I am deeply saddened to learn of carla's suicide. I am especially sad that she was unable to find adequate relief with respect to severe chronic pain and all that accompanies it, depression, insomnia, social isolation, self doubt, anxiety, etc. the very term "chronic pain" is so very incompetent. Severe chronic pain is more descriptive of what I believe that she had to experience. The term "chronic pain" fails to communicate what Carla experienced. Language does not allow our communication of what we experience, our language is impatient. I often pondered a kinder softer language to express what one goes through. I ponder arbitrary categories such as "Type 3 severe chronic pain with severe insomnia, etc, etc." Please add some additional descriptors here please. My thoughts were that this would then perhaps open the door to additional communication, such as "What is Type 3...?" Yet, sadly, this may be over optimistic. Our society (in general) believes that medical care is infallible and that once you have had surgery-it got fixed, so why the on going bitching and moaning? What of residual pathology, adjacent segmental breakdown, neurofibrosis, etc. One of the profoundest lonliness is the inability to be heard. Some of the kindest comments have been rare, I think back on a few that ocurred more than 8 years ago, such as "you must be hurting, you are very quiet, or you must be hurting you are moving very cautiously, or I don't know how you manage." All of these kind, respectful, simply acknowledging. I am painfully aware of my many failures of the times I cannot control my affect. I wish I could bridge the divide between what is hoped for and what is possible. For those times that I am more patient, more compassionate, I celebrate that.
I fear I am meandering.
Carla, the discussion will go on, you are not forgotten, we share the sadness. We celebrate the end of physical suffering. We send our thoughts and prayers to you and yours. I continue to pause at every cemetary, knowing some are there because of chronic pain. with thoughts and prayers to all.
jerry
Thank you for having the courage to bring up the issue of suicide. I have cerebral palsy and have endured much because of it, including a dozen surgeries by adulthood and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents. 2 of those operations were botched, and what followed was so horrific that I've had flashbacks for 25 years. I also was sent to a hellish psych hospital for kids at age 5, where I "lived" for almost 2 years.
All of this was painful, but it never drove me to seriously consider suicide on an ongoing basis, to beg God to kill me in my sleep and to see death as a friend. I've got chronic pain to thank for that one, thanks to a botched hip removal. So far, one friend has stopped writing to me, my parents tried to railroad me in a nursing home against my will, and then told me that I was out of the family when I refused to go along with their plans, and they pulled all support, including financial support and I am on a fixed income. One of my attendants can't seem to understand why the ongoing pain has made my depression 10 times worse. I am this close to asking to be sent someone else, because her behaviour towards me regarding my depression.
I did have a life in spite of my disability...and it has been so totally destroyed that death is regularly in my thoughts now. I became a Catholic because of it's pro-life teachings and now I am having to explain to my church friends why I am now suddenly fixated on death and suicide.
I see such thoughts as symptoms of depression, the worsening of those symptoms a natural result of ongoing, severe, unrelieved pain. I would never tell anyone here that they would go to Hell if they ended their life. I don't condone suicide. But as far as I am concerned, I have been living in Hell since the pain came into my life, or close enough to it to not want to see the real thing. But given the chronic pain and the mental anguish I was dealing with even before the pain, my self-inflicted death may be only a matter of time. I am doing what I can to avoid this. But I am starting to lose friends and I am in dire need of supportive housing. I feel like I am being forced to put on an act for my friends so I don't alienate them. But the pain is difficult to live with, let alone cover up. The hero worship I get as a result of the wheelchair, and the abuse, only complicates matters.
My latest psychiatrist has basically told me that he cannot help my depression, due to the morphine and the pain. I am feeling very low right now, especially with my parents bailing out. (I found out about their trying to put me away when they told a case manager "It's a lot easier to get our daughter to do things when she's in great pain." (Refering to a power of attorney agreement they told me needed to be signed in order to help me. My mother told me she could get me into a pain clinic "right away" If I let my parents move me into long-term care. (I'd been waiting for four years to get into a pain clinic. There is no such thing as seeing a specialist right away in Canada) The case manager phoned me when she heard the pain remark. When my dad phoned me to get power of attorney back, I refused to give it to him and told him why....even though he put the pressure on....and soon after that, I was "out of the family"
I risk hearing how the "stress" from bringing up someone with a disability can cause "these sorts of things to happen". But there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed! Using someone's severe pain to take advantage of them and institutionalize them, it hurts like crazy. I'd been hurting my whole life from things that were said and done to me, and it just crippled me more.
I'm relieved to finally find out why I have been so fixated on death since the pain "hit". But it's anyone's guess as to how much longer I can hold out, with more misery and less hope by the day. I had more than enough pain from the disability, including friends ditching me. I did not NEED THIS!
Featuring Content From:
By using this service, you accept our Terms of Use. Please read them. The consumer health information on is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. You should promptly seek professional medical care if you have any concern about your health, and you should always consult your physician before starting a fitness regimen. Copyright © 2013 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Top 10 Things NOT to Say to a Fibromyalgia Patient 
7 Conditions Often Mistaken for Fibromyalgia 
Common Foods that Cause Pain 
7 Surprising Causes of Back Pain 
Sometimes it is hard to see that there is always a good side to things....
I send my love and prayers to those who are in mourning over this horrindous happening. My God be with you. Let's keep the hope alive!
Wishes of good health,
Morgan