I've Cancelled My Morphine Pump Trial

Through a lot of heartache and grief in the past two days, I have decided to cancel my morphine pump for tomorrow morning.  The problems with doctors and the referral issues are too long for me to go into here but I feel that the benefits of the pump do not outweigh the risks for me.  I was only seeking the pump to improve the severe constipation issues that I have.  If I got better pain relief, then that would have been an added blessing.  EVERYONE I have consulted with, tells me that my constipation may only get "a little better".  I don't think that going through the morphine trial and pump ordeal is worth "a little better."  My alternate plan now will be to increase the dosage of one of my medications to help with the pain.  This solution will be much safer.

I have great respect and admiration for those of you have morphine pumps.  I know that the pumps have been a Godsend for many.  My pain can be so severe at times that lay in my bed and cry at times until I just fall asleep.  I can still work, however, and still live a fairly normal life.  I just can't sit, stand, or walk for long periods of time, nor can I exercise (except maybe a short time on an elyptical machine), or perform other rigorous tasks. Needless to say, the pain is never gone...it is always present.  This website, has shown me that I am much better off than many other individuals.  I don't consider myself to be fully disabled, only partially.

I would like to share something very personal with you.  I was so touched by my 13 year old son the other evening who just had his braces tightened and now has to wear rubber bands.  He is hurting quite a bit.  He came to me and said, "Mom, I really admire you." and I said "Why?"  My son replied, "Because you always have pain and you even have to take morphine for it.  My teeth hurt just a little bit and I can't imagine what you must feel.  You deal with terrible pain each and every day."  My son who is always into video games and guitar just brought me to tears.  I told him how much it meant to me.  I pray that all of you have the family support that I have.  That means the world to me and played a big part in my decision not to have the pump.  We just had a "gut" feeling not to do it.

I want to again thank everyone who has communicated with me and supported me in making this decision.  It has been a hard one.  I also want to thank God for His awesome gift of discernment.  I will forever lean on Him for His support.

SoBlest