Doing it alone

Hello, I am new to this, but unfortunately not new to chronic pain.

I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, sciatica, pinched nerve in my neck, athritis in my spine along with numerous medical conditions that have caused vitamin deficiencies.

I am a divorced mother of three, and grandmother of two, who used to own a tanning salon, went to college online and earned an associates degree, and took care of my family.

We had a nice home, nothing fancy, but comfortable and a good lifestyle.

It is all gone.

The pain became to much as well as difficulty walking and moving so that I had to close my business, we lost our house, and way of life.  I now live in a trailer park and on social security.  Not that there is anything wrong with trailer parks, but it is quite the change from an 1800 square foot house.

I feel like i failed my family.  Because i couldn't work anymore my kids lost everything they knew.  My youngest daughter had to change schools and after two years hasn't forgiven me for that.  I had custody of my one grandson since he was born, my daughter was only 17 then, and i had to give him back to his mother after 6 years of raising him because i could no longer keep up with an active 6 year old.  I can't pick up my youngest grandson who is two, and can't even help my daughter by babysitting them.

Honestly, there are many days i wonder if it is even worth the effort anymore.

I rarely go out of my house, lost all my friends, don't date anymore and mainly spend most of my days alone.  How do you cope?  what gives you the strength to keep going?

how do you stop the guilt for failing your children? I am all they ever had.  Now i am pretty much worthless.  I have all this anger inside that i don't even dare open up.  Many of my health conditions are related to gastric bypass surgery that went terribly wrong.

18 years ago no one knew the extent of the problems it would cause.  There is no cure.

They can not fix it because the chances of dieing on the table is 75%  The pain is changing my personality.  I am no longer the happy easy going person i once was.

I hate going out in public because i am so ashamed that I limp and can't stand up straight.  I usually need help out of the car, and can not lift the grocery bags.

How do you live like this?  I can't imagine doing this for the next 20 years or so.