hey stow, just wondering, how you are doing , lately?? the date on this last post was aug.6?...so how are you doing NOW?? are you getting better? have you found a dr. that actually is commpasionate to your needs? i hope you are not having any more "dark thoughts"...i actually have been going thru quite of a funk...and actually wrote my husband and kiddos a "note", because i feel i can not take this anymore, i had RFA almost 5 weeks ago, and am in worse pain then before i had it..i just feel , i am not being the best mother i can to my children and wonder if they wished they had someone else for a mother, a mother who can do things, a mother wh can get involved in thier sports, school activities..involved in thier LIVES!! i also wish my husband could have a wife..that is REALLY a wife..not this body of pain
..sorry, i have to go...i can not write thru my tears....cindi..
chronic pain, that is causing me to rethink my life, or lack there of...
9/29/09 8:28pm
Cindi,
Even on our really bad days our kids are glad that we're there. Unless they are teenagers, then it wouldn't matter even if we were healthy. I know it's hard to remember that we are needed in the lives of those who mean the most to us. Especially when we don't feel like we're making any kind of contribution. Please don't give up. Getting through this has some fabulous benefits. My oldest just gave me my first grandchild. There are days that I can't dress myself through the pain, but a good day allows me to play with that baby. Better days are definitely coming if you hang on long enough.
9/30/09 2:33pm
thanx! i appreciate your post, i have "those days" as i'm sure some people do. but you are correct, my one daughter just gave me my first grandson, well 10 months ago, and i could not "do anything" to myself, because i think of him and of my other 3 kiddos!! i love them all dearly...i just feel sometimes, that i am nothing but a body racked with pain...and THEN i think of them!!! thank you for your concern...hope you are doing fine, or as fine as you can...cindi
9/30/09 4:52pm
I understand what you are going through. For years, I have struggled with being a mom and handling my chronic pain. For many years, I really pushed myself to do things for my kids despite my pain. It has been a long time since I have been able to participate in activties with them. I remember them with fondess. I had to struggle so hard to do things like watching my son skateboard for 12 hours on Saturdays for a couple of years. I use to bring a portable rocker so I was able to sit there on the sidelines in case he needed me. I remember walking around the mall with my daughter and having to rest because I just couldn't take the intense pain. Fortunately, she was old enough to take her brother around to a few stores so I could get a break. My ex and I broke up when the children were young. I did have joint custody but he was able to become custodial parent. Since I didn't have day to day care of the children, I was able to do more with them on the days that I was with them. I still would have given anything to be able to see them everyday. They spent summers with me. I remember driving my son to skatebord camp twice and taking him to ju jit su lessons.
My daughter is married now with children of her own and my son is a teenager. They don't need me like they use to. Also, they are normal kids and they don't realize how I had to struggle to do all the things I did for them. I was also fortunate because I had my present husband to help me as things got worse.
Now, I can't drive anymore and I also am dying from a degenerative brain disease. I don't see my kids often. I remember the frustration of dealing with the kids and my chronic pain. I remember wanting to write, "the note." I have come to the conclusion that it was worth it although my kids always took my help for granted. I would have rather had the mess than not had it because now I have good memories and that is better than nothing.
Hang in there. Don't feel guilty, your kids will be fine.
M.
10/ 5/09 10:51am
hi mersilkee, i read your post twice ( and then again!)..i am so very sorry that your degenerated disease is worsening...truly sorry, what you have gone thru and are going thru, made me feel very guilty about that "note" and ashamed..as i should, i KNOW my kiddos love me amd i just love them so dearly, i just sometimes wonder, how it would be if they "had another mom who cold do more w/ them" :)
...but i KNOW they love me...just ...sometimes...well, you know...thanks so much for writing to me, i wish you many sunny days ahead and please write if ever you want to "just talk"...much appreciation and hope your way, cindi
10/ 2/09 9:51pm
Hi Cyndy,
I am so sorry you feel the way you do, your children love you and they would be so sad if you were no longer here with them. Children at times can be very selfish human beings, but those teenage years are just like that, I still remember telling my mom how much I hated her. I of course didn't mean it, I was after all a teenager. I am hoping and praying that the cloud lifts for you and you realize that we are all Gods children (including YOU) and he has a plan for all of us, no matter what physical disabilities we have. You are probably more compassionate and understanding then most people you know who are physically fit. As a mom we are always there to listen and thats worth more to them then you realize. Please hang in there, all my children are adults now and there love for me is just as strong as it was when they didn't seem to appreciate me all too much, they are just not as mature, but there love for you will always be there. It sounds like you are so down on yourself and those feelings of guilt are doing no one any good especially you! Please get a councelor or maybe someone from your church who you can trust. We all have something to offer, its just discovering what those gifts are that can be clouded by those feelings of guilt. I hope this helps somewhat-God Bless!
10/ 5/09 12:02pm
hi lorie, "help somewhat"?...you helped me tremendously , ( as did others thhat wrote back about my "note")...i DO have to remember that my 2 kiddos are still teenager ( my others are in thier 20's and understand soooo much more, but still don't "get" the pain:)...and i have to remember how selfish and hoow ithought of only MYSELF, when i was that age..how silly, thinking when a boy didn't like you, it was so the END OF THE WORLD!!! :)...it really isn't so much about how selfish they are, but how sselfish i FEEL, for not being able to do the things i should, as i did for my other kiddos...and when i read abut how long others have been in pain and its only been 3 years for me (seems like my whole life :)...i just got in such a funk and diddn't feel i could "come up for air'', after the RFA, i just was in sooo much more pain and i never thought it was going to end, i went to the dr. on fri. and she told me this pain is normal for after this procedure...arggggg
, who wants to be in MORE pain:)...so, i guess i just have to wait it out and see if the procedure did actually help..and yes, for me, but for my children so very much.... i cried wheni read yours and the above post and the post after yours, because you all so got it!!...thanks again, for writing and letting me know it is O>K> to feel as i do....p.s. the "note" has been destroyed and i don't think i will ever be at that place , again...cindi
10/ 4/09 12:11pm
I have has this very same talk with myself more times than I can remember. What if I were no longer here to slow everyone else down? Would they be better off? Would they smile more? What if I could do everything a soccer mom is "supposed" to do? What if my husband didn't have to care for me all the time?
We all have these days. You have to remember that this too shall pass. Your children, are just that, YOUR children. They would never or could never be happier with out you or with someone else. Kids don't always show it, well adults either for that matter, but loved ones don't always show how much they love and appreciate each other. They don't mean to neglect each other, but we all get wrapped up in our own stuff.
But if you were to survey your family, I am certain you offer things to them that no one else could ever come slose to offering. Remember you love them so much, they love you that much in return and more.
I'm sorry you feel icky and are hurting. We do understand. We are all in this broken boat together. Use us, tell us...We will help.
I know some days this, here right now, people just like me on the internet, people who understand what I'm going through, people who know there will be better days ahead, are the only reason, I push forward.
I love my people, (My People: Everyone who has ever touched my life, been touched by me, loved me or been loved by me. IE: My family) My people as a whole all offer me different love and support. They all give differently, but are all equally important. Remember that when you have a bad day.
10/ 5/09 12:14pm
hi, ..."would they smile more"...that so got me, when i read your post, it is SO what i think , all the time! i thank you for caring enough for respondig to my "crazy" post...how i felt at the time, the reason for the "note", i guess. but as i said the "ote" has been destroyed and i don't ever wan to be thier again, ...what made me destroy it , WAS because of my kiddos and my husband and mostly because of my new and only grandchild.....THESE are thhe people that mean the world to me and if i couldn't see them or talk to them anymore, well, i don't even want to go there...i hope you are doing welll, and again thank you for letting me know this was, well not normal, but that some of us have "been there"...i really appreciate yours and the others that took the time to "care"!!...cindi
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Hi Cindi, Scooter again. Please try to write to me at my e-mail address again or give me yours. I'm worried about you and we need to talk.
Sharon
hi hon, obviously you didn't get my message, i have tried to write you at your email, and for some reason, i can't get thru...i will try and think of something because i donot want to post my email on here to the ope...nothing against anybody:)!!! but i will try and get you on MY private place..ok, we DO really , really need to talk..i am almost at wit's end at this time...sorr, don't want to worry you,...you have so much more going on...we'll talk ...I PROMISE!!!!!!...hugs and sweet dreams, cindi