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Dear ElemenTeri:

I felt your pain as I read your post and my heart went out to you.  I know you feel like you are in a box (I liked your photo) and there is no way to get out, or do you even have the motivation to get out?  It does seem much simpler to stay where you are.  Even though it is not ideal and it is lonely, it is also familiar to you, which makes it feel safe.  I think many of us could stay in places like this for years and years.  And perhaps we would, if nothing happened in our lives to change all that.

When I was hospitalized for manic-depressive disorder (that's what they called bipolar back in 1982), I was so depressed that I would not get out of bed, brush my teeth, comb my hair or shower.  I laid in bed, praying for sleep to take over and dreading the moments when I could no longer sleep and had to feel my feelings every day.  And while I have always been a drinker (not anymore - two plus years sober, now), I was too depressed to even get out of bed to have a drink. 

It was awful, but it was safe.  I was stuck where I was.  A prisoner of my own mind.  Unable to look forward or backward.  Just stock on the here and now.  Nowhere to go, nothing to do, just lay in bed day after day after day . . . .

Then one day, my psychologist came into my room and sat down and very clearly stated that he was not going to stick around me anymore, if I wasn't going to do anything for myself.  He would just leave me there and never come back.  This mortified me, because he was the only bright spot in my otherwise dreary day.  I couldn't make it without him!  That's when he told me his secret.  He said you have to "fake it til you make it".  You have to put one foot in front of the other and gradually get to the bathroom.  Once there, you have to pick up your toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and put the brush up to your mouth and put it in and start brushing.  He explained to me that this is how I could get out of the spot I was in.  He also said that if I was not going to do this, he was "bailing out of this ship".

Well, this shocking statement of his is what it took to get me out of that bed.  And, very slowly, I began to get out of bed, to brush my teeth again, to comb my hair and to shower.  Over time, I even ventured out of my room and went to the day hall.  No, I did not interact with anyone, but I didn't turn away and go back to my room.   Yes, it was tough.  It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  Was it worth it?  God, yes.  While I have experienced severe depression since then, it never lasts for more than a couple of days, because I remember how I once pulled myself out of the hole I was in and "faked it til I made it".  What a powerful experience.

I guess my point is that you, too, can get out of your box.  You are not doomed to a life of forever in your box.  I know you don't think you want to leave your safe haven, but I think deep down inside, part of you is begging for relief from that box.

All you need is someone or something to give you a little nudge, a reason to climb out of your box.  You may be totally surprised by who or what it is.  It will happen when you are not expecting it.

I will be thinking of you and the box you have created for yourself.  I will send out positive air waves and pray that your something or someone comes to you really soon.  You will know it when it happens.  Then you, too, will slowly begin to emerge from your shell. 

The feeling will be magical . . .

Kay

Dear ElemenTeri,

Thank you so much for letting me know how you are doing.  I understand about putting on the "day face".  I, too, have put on that face, only to come home to my safe haven and tear it off, just to be alone with my thoughts, fears and my bottle of alcohol.  My safe place was often filled with vodka, and I nearly died from that fact. 

When I was writing to you, I did not mean for you to be magical for anyone else.  I meant that someone or something will come along for YOU and YOU will feel the magic of coming out of your box.  Right now, it is important for you to concentrate on you and your wellness.  Time enough later to think about others.  If you don't take care of you, who will be there to do it for you?  The answer I came up with for that question was, no one.  Or, in my case, for a few years, it was the vodka.  I would never recommend that path for anyone.

In any event, I just wanted to let you know that I meant that you would be on the receiving end of something good happening to you.  I don't know when or how it will happen, but I feel certain that it will.  And once it does, the possibilities are endless.  But first, take that one baby step to get yourself started.  Then take another step, slowly but surely.  The movement in and of itself, will make you feel better.

The people in our lives don't mean to purposefully "write us off".  They just don't know how to help so they become frustrated and it is a defense mechanism to turn away from us.  They feel helpless to help you, so they turn their backs on us, because that is easier than dealing with our pain every day, because they can't fix it for us.  They just want us to get better, and they can't understand why we don't automatically get better.  It is our pain that makes them turn away.  Not because we have the pain, but because they can't make it go away.

So, hang in there lady.  Do what you need to do to survive every day.  You have the power to make that magical moment happen to you.  But the magic will never happen if you don't take that risk.  Put one foot forward at a time and dare to take off your day mask, a little bit at a time.  Start to share yourself, a little bit at a time.  People get overwhelmed if we tell them our story in big chunks.  They can handle it if we present them with little bites along the way.  Then, once they get to know us, we can let our guards down and finally share all of that pain with them.  They may not be able to do anything about it, but just knowing there is someone else with whom you can share that information, can be very empowering.

Time for me to go to bed.  I am sending you positive thoughts, energy and wishes.

Take good care of yourself,

Kay