walls are closing

Why is it, that when I see the world, my city, my home--it's all in my head.  See, I am a on-the-brink-of-40 and I am on the floor, all curled up, no furniture, and the walls are just around each side of me.  Then I shake my head and *poof* I am back in my house with all my furniture, dogs, gadgets and my husband.

It's this world, in my head, that I see for real.  Because it is NOT my imagination.  It IS how I see myself.  All boxed in with no way out.  Since my disease consumed me, I don't feel like there is a way out.  I will learn to live with it.  I can hear all day long that so and so is WAY worse off than I.  I am sure that's true.

See, my most of my life has been inside a bubble.  I call it Teri Bubble.  Inside this bubble is a GREAT life.  No one talks about me, no one says rude things to me, everybody loves me and I believe that the world is much better because I am here.  I created this bubble around 22.  When things in college were falling apart.  I realized that if I put myself in this bubble AND REALLY believed what I said above, then...it would be true, right?  It's worked for most of my adult life.  I really have loved life.  I have embraced every challenge given to me.  I have had good things and bad things happen TO me and to those AROUND me.  I loved everyday because in MY bubble, nothing was wrong with me.

Since my hospitalization from GBS I have heard all different kinds of people talk about me, gossip about me, hurt me and treat me much different than before.  The treatment was not the better kind, either.  I realized my bubble had burst.  It was gone.  Since it's been gone I realize that I hate people, I hate my life, I hate where I am going and I am terrified of turning 40.  I have received the lecture (more than 5 times) that 40 is coming whether I like it or not, so why not embrace it, than try to run from it.  To me, 40 is like a roadblock.  It's almost like I fear that I have to change who I am.  Most people rarely think I am even IN my 30's let alone close to 40.  I loved my childhood, my 20's and my early 30's...even up to 38!! 

It's hard at my job because the average age is 58.  They all THINK I am late 20's or very early 30's and treat me as such.  Many think I try to befriend my students, who are 14.  When I am 40, it's like I am a woman.  I know, I was a woman when I turned 18...but my entire life, I have NEVER felt like a woman..I've always been a girl and I like it.  Now it's really hitting me. I'm an old woman.  I should start making more mature choices in life, being more appropriate than fun. I am so in debt and now working is working to live, living only to work. 

If I can't work I am in this house.  My time schedule revolves around pills.  I am always in pain.  Something new everyday. I see me in this little section of my house.  Walls closing in.  I feel so alone.  I feel like this is an ending.  Most people say it's moving to my 40's.  I TRULY feel like it's the end of ME.  I am so depressed, even though I am on anti's and I don't wanna go do anything.  People say you gotta go do it whether your mind tells you NO or not.  I am sure there are LOTS of things I SHOULD do, but what I am saying, is I feel helpless.  There isn't anyone who is there for me.  Maybe my mom.  But she is 72 and I swear at the beginning stages of dimentia (sp).  My two sisters and I have been oddly close our whole lives and since I got married a few years back there has been a strain that we're not recovering from.  So if I call mom she tries to make me feel better but then she says things she has heard from my sisters and it makes me feel worse.  So, it's like my family is tired of hearing of my world, my work thinks I am not mature enough and my husband is convinced that really I shouldn't do anything.