Well, honestly he thinks I should only do 1 thing. And not for very long. Take tomorrow, for instance. We were going to drive South to go to outlet malls, but I forgot I am having lunch with a friend who is in town. So I said, "Let's go to the outlet mall, and then on the way back we BOTH could have lunch with [my friend]." He got all huffy and said, "Just go to lunch with her. We'll go another time. Quit trying to do so MUCH." So much? Shopping in my wheelchair and then sitting down to eat?"
My job starts Monday. Kids don't come until the 5th. I am teaching US HIstory. I've only taught middle school for 3 years. All language arts. *poof* now I am teaching US History. I don't know anything about it. I am not so great at knowledge of our own country. Sad, I know. I just need to read and start learning myself, to teach it.
I am scared. I haven't worked full time since Sept. 06. I get so tired easily. I am hoping i get my lunch attached to my planning so I can go out to my van and nap. That would be an hour and a half. Might make all the difference. We won't know anything until the 4th.
So, I just had to vent all this. Seeing things through my eyes are much different than how I am perceived by others. They can't see those walls closing in on me. I am scared, lonely and feel it's me against everyone. And what do you know? I don't have enough strenght to get through a day. So I will stay on my couch, and eat popscicles and ice cream and let the world go by. As long as I am not bothering anyone, I can sit in my box and they'll never notice I'm gone.
No one will.
Teri C
Dear ElemenTeri:
I felt your pain as I read your post and my heart went out to you. I know you feel like you are in a box (I liked your photo) and there is no way to get out, or do you even have the motivation to get out? It does seem much simpler to stay where you are. Even though it is not ideal and it is lonely, it is also familiar to you, which makes it feel safe. I think many of us could stay in places like this for years and years. And perhaps we would, if nothing happened in our lives to change all that.
When I was hospitalized for manic-depressive disorder (that's what they called bipolar back in 1982), I was so depressed that I would not get out of bed, brush my teeth, comb my hair or shower. I laid in bed, praying for sleep to take over and dreading the moments when I could no longer sleep and had to feel my feelings every day. And while I have always been a drinker (not anymore - two plus years sober, now), I was too depressed to even get out of bed to have a drink.
It was awful, but it was safe. I was stuck where I was. A prisoner of my own mind. Unable to look forward or backward. Just stock on the here and now. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, just lay in bed day after day after day . . . .
Then one day, my psychologist came into my room and sat down and very clearly stated that he was not going to stick around me anymore, if I wasn't going to do anything for myself. He would just leave me there and never come back. This mortified me, because he was the only bright spot in my otherwise dreary day. I couldn't make it without him! That's when he told me his secret. He said you have to "fake it til you make it". You have to put one foot in front of the other and gradually get to the bathroom. Once there, you have to pick up your toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and put the brush up to your mouth and put it in and start brushing. He explained to me that this is how I could get out of the spot I was in. He also said that if I was not going to do this, he was "bailing out of this ship".
Well, this shocking statement of his is what it took to get me out of that bed. And, very slowly, I began to get out of bed, to brush my teeth again, to comb my hair and to shower. Over time, I even ventured out of my room and went to the day hall. No, I did not interact with anyone, but I didn't turn away and go back to my room. Yes, it was tough. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Was it worth it? God, yes. While I have experienced severe depression since then, it never lasts for more than a couple of days, because I remember how I once pulled myself out of the hole I was in and "faked it til I made it". What a powerful experience.
I guess my point is that you, too, can get out of your box. You are not doomed to a life of forever in your box. I know you don't think you want to leave your safe haven, but I think deep down inside, part of you is begging for relief from that box.
All you need is someone or something to give you a little nudge, a reason to climb out of your box. You may be totally surprised by who or what it is. It will happen when you are not expecting it.
I will be thinking of you and the box you have created for yourself. I will send out positive air waves and pray that your something or someone comes to you really soon. You will know it when it happens. Then you, too, will slowly begin to emerge from your shell.
The feeling will be magical . . .
Kay
What wonderful words, Kaye.
I always believe that somewhere, someday that someone will give me a REASON to do something other than stay "safe." I wonder if it will ever come. Those that love me most are the ones that have wrote me off or told me, "There are other people that have difficulties in their lives. It's not all about thinking of ways to **** you off. Other people have horrible things hindering them, too.
Being in this depressed state is not a time when I will be the magical person for someone ELSE. I can barely take care of my emotional self these days.
Like the words you gave to me; perhaps I will be that person to someone else. Just maybe. Right now I have to get things right with me. With school starting I have to put on my "day" costume and just LOVE the world; until I can get home to my "box" costume and be able to safely breath again. It's time for me to see if *I* can fake it. Perhaps knowing that I can, and will make it, by your mouth to my ears, maybe the days will be easier.
I will keep trying, though. Thanks again for the positivity sent my way. I really appreciate it!
Teri C