I AM NOT AMONG THE DYING, I CHOOSE LIFE AND ME AS A TREE

I'M NOT AMONG THE DYING
BY Rebekah LaSala
(for Myself and those suffering with any kind of chronic pain in which they have no support network.)
 
I'm not among the dying
SO, DON'T COUNT ME OUT
Just b/c I talk about my illness to spread the word about my pain and have the courage to do so, to bring a voice and empowerment to myself and all women who suffer from it, DON'T COUNT ME OUT.
 
 A simple, taken for granted, required bodily function that should be a natural and joyful part of life becomes something feared
A quick trip to the toilet for one means utter dread, fear and pain for another.
 To heal, I visualize clear pure mineral water flowing from my bladder, in joy and utter elation, I urinate freely in this moment without worrying about the daggers and knives coming out of my bladder.  I am free for one moment, if only in this visualization, I am free.
 
DON'T COUNT ME OUT! I AM NOT AMONG THE DYING!
I SEE THE WEB OF LIFE IN ALL ITS FORMS!
I LIVE LIKE THE BUDDHA AND I HAVE NINE LIVES, WHICH I USUALLY USE ALL IN ONE DAY!
I WILL CHOOSE LIFE, FOR MYSELF
As I embrace and love myself
And as I find ways to heal my bladder
I will hopefully find friends who really care about me
SO, you can decide not to be my friend, you can resent me for using my voice for myself and others, but DON'T COUNT ME OUT.
DON'T COUNT ME OUT
Come hell or high water, I and other women WILL BE HEARD about this pain.
 
DON'T COUNT ME OUT.
I may not know everything I should or need to know about my condition
You may shake your head b/c you have never heard INTERSTITIAL CYSTITIS before
But you aren't give the right, the pain or the audacity to inflict unnecessary emotional pain on me
BY LEAVING WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS YOU THE MOST
OR TO COUNT ME OUT
 
DON'T COUNT ME OUT
I WILL RISE LIKE LAZARUS
I WILL RISE LIKE CHRIST
I WILL RISE FROM WHAT YOU CALL THE DEAD EVEN THOUGH I AM STILL LIVING AND I WILL LIVE AND I WILL WRITE VOLUMES ON THOSE WHO REBUKED ME IN THIS TIME OF NEED
AS THEY WERE MY GREATEST TEACHERS AND THEY TAUGHT ME HOW I WANT TO BE (AND HOW I DON'T WANT TO TREAT OTHERS)
I WILL RISE AND I WILL RISE AGAIN.
 
 AND I PRAY FOR THE DOCTORS WHO CAN HELP ME, I PRAY FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP ME

FOR I AND MANY LIKE ME, KNOW PAIN LIKE OUR CLOSEST RELATIVE, AND WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT, WE ARE LIVING WITH IT

WE HAVE CRIED THE RIVER OF A TRILLION TEARS AND AT SOME POINT THE TEARS STOP AND WE START LIVING WITH THE PAIN
Part II. I CHOOSE LIFE
 
I CHOOSE LIFE
I LIVE LIFE
THOUGH I SUFFER FROM CHRONIC PAIN
I AM NOT INVISIBLE
NOR DOES THE PAIN MEAN THAT I AM MORE INVISIBLE THAN I WAS BEFORE
NOR DOES THE PAIN MEAN THAT I SOMEHOW BECAME LESS VALUABLE THAN I WAS BEFORE THE PAIN STARTED
LESS BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT OR LESS WORTHY
I STILL LOVE LIFE
I STILL FEEL LIFE
I LOVE AND FEEL MORE THAN EVER
 
SO NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO PRETEND TO BE MY FRIEND
TO KNOW THINGS ABOUT ME OF THE DEEPEST SACRED IMPORTANCE TO ME AND THEN RIP MY HEART OUT BY NEGATING MY HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH PAIN AND ABSORBING MY EXISTENCE IN THEIR MINDS B/C THEY CANNOT HANDLE IT