Hello, and Merry Christmas. I  really "enjoyed" your answer. Thank you. I helps so much to know there are others out there that are living the same kind of life I am. Don't get me wrong ,I AM VERY BLESSED. I do believe my faith pulled me though this and continues to do so. I hope you get some relief soon.

In February 2008, I had decompression surgery for Chiari Malformation. If you are not familiar with this,it is a condition where your brain literally slides down into your spinal column. You can imagine the complications and pain I was having. This  had been on going for about 15 years. I had  been to every doctor, had every test imaginal and nothing.

Finally this was found by accident. The surgery was horrible. The neurosurgeon had to open my skull and place titanium screens in my head to hold up my brain. Intensive care for 6 days and off work 4 months. It had stopped the Chiari from progessing,but the damage done to my neck muscles and discs can not be repaired. The doctor said he simply could not  get me back together like God had me.

Please  don't give up!!! I do  have good days. Looking back I should have applied for disability. Since coming back to work, I have suffered horribily. It does however keep me going and forces me to get out of bed.

So what is your path forward?? I am not sure what to do next, I cannot retire due to financial obligations.  Do you work, and have you tried the disability route.??

Take care .

Good morning, Guido, hope you had a pain free weekend.

As far as my pain being worse than yours,it is all relative. We cannot compare pain in degrees. If it is debilitating or interferes with your life style then it is chronic. I am still debating the disability issue. I just keep going in to work and each day is an ordeal.

I am having spasms/ tremor in my neck now. My FD told me to go back to the neurosurgeon and he said go to a neurologist, so round and round we go.

As I said earlier,I am just waiting on something from GOd to tell me, HEY, it is time to stay home.

Keep in touch and much prayer for you.

Good morning, Guido,

The depression was the worst thing, I totally fell into a black hole, for about a month, I actually debated on whether I wanted to live or not. Isn't that terrible, to think that way. I eventually ,with the help of God and some meds climbed out. It was the worst experience of my life. I totally know where you are coming from. No one really knows unless they experience the separation that depression creates in your life. I felt totally alienated from reality and everyone. I have gone round and round with the disability thing. I really need to be home and get some healing,but I am afraid. I am scared of the economy and also of the thoughts of having too much time to think. I would just be such a life style change. I have worked for 34 years,it is all I know.

I will pray that God will send something for you. It must be especially hard this time of year. I remind my self daily how blessed I really am. I have looked impossible in the face and God always provides possible.

I am not a religious fanatic, but it is my mainstay, so look up.

Take care and have a pain free day, enjoy the Christmas spirit while it is here.

It passes so quickly.

Hi Queene, yes the being home alone thinking all day is a danger zone for me also. I've thought many times of leaving the planet, gotten pretty close, but didn't because I didn't want to cause pain to those who love and care for me. That's a God message.

Last night my wife had a horse knock her down and she shattered her ankle. She was in tremendous pain, and is in the hospital tonight with a strong narcotic drip, I might get to take her home tomorrow. I've never seen her in such pain in our entire married life, and know that i would of passed out. it's true what they say woman can endure pain better than men. What I found spending all day today and last night at the hospital was, not only was I concerned scared for her, but today while she was sleeping, her room mate in her late 70's was in horrible pain and i felt the need to console her, i did so on and off all day, in between attending to my wife, and felt to be honest a calling to help other people.It takes me out of myself and something automatic makes me want to do anything I can to help people in pain or suffering. Although unemployed currently, Once my wife is feeling better in between looking for work, I'm thinking about volunteering at the hospital or meals on wheels or something like that. That would get me out of the house and hopefully make someone else feel better, which takes my self pity, my pain out of the picture for the time being.

It's something to think about. I actually fear being alone when my wife goes to work and i'm feeling down, I find it hard to motivate myself to do projects or clean house, my acupuncutist has told me, one thing I have to learn, is patience. Accept where and how I am just for that day. Push yourself if you can , but slowly, which has not been my mo most of my life, after a flu or sickness, the first day I start feeling good and get energy back I go at it hard and fast, and sometimes it kicks me right back in the butt. I've also worked starting at a early age til now, I'm 48 now, and have probably taken a total of almost six months off, 3.5 of them in hell, the other 3, in a better place but, winter, cold, no work, can't go outside and enjoy the sun, trim my roses, it's been hard. Right now I'm looking at full time care taking of my wife for at least two weeks, which will be good for me, I'm sad she's had to go thru what she did, but am thankful I'm here to take care of her.

I hope you feel a pull or guidance to what you need to do from God, I too am not a fanatic, but have to believe in his or her higher power, and believe everything happens for a reason. to no put your faith or beliefs in these positive thoughts and efforts, can only lead down a bad road for people like you and me.

Let me know how challenging your pain was today, and what your goal was to take your mind off it? And remember God will not give you more than you can handle, so you can handle this.

Have a pain free day tomorrow, and think of a plan/goal while at work to take your mind out of your mind, if that makes sense.

Guido

Hi Queene,

thank you SO much for your care and prayers, I pray for you and your husband. As far as being at an 8 everyday, my heart just sags to hear that. Have you tried everything, meds, acupuncture, alternative medications, I'd hate to see you at home by yourself with the same pain everyday, but I also know that even as work is good for you, your self esteem, and of course income, that's miserable. Does your husband work also? Is he in better health, aside the removal of the cancer on his skin? Is there someone you can consult with about disability? Is it possible to take the 12 week sick leave to work on the pain, and come back to your job if you're sucessful? Maybe what you need is a break from work, if your company is cool with the 12 week sick leave thing. You've got to take care of yourself, and work could be draining your body's natural healing process? Tell me what you think, remember my 12 week sick leave ended badly, but that's my company, not yours, I would talk to someone outside the company first, read your company policy handbook, and make sure they allow, (I believe in CA company's are obligated to give it to you, you then apply for disability in the mean time) but find those things out first, and be careful what you tell your company until you know your rights, and the facts. I really don't know your pain condition, what you have? If it can be fixed, medicated, or is just going to get worse with time, I do know that living with it at work, and if your job is stressful, takes a ton out of your natural healing powers.

It could be that thru research, you might find a avenue that can reduce the pain better, and by taking 12 weeks sick leave you might find yourself, in a much better place, and if not, then you've still got choices, going back to work or like you've mentioned, disability,, there is no shame in doing that by the way, you're well being, self respect, and love for your family and friends, and your life on this planet, outway any job at any pay. I belive too that God has a plan, and that patience(which I struggle with) are key.

I'll pray for you tonight, and let me know  if there are any new developments, also you're right, God does work in mysterious ways, my wife getting hurt, gave me a chance to help someone else, take my mind of my small problems.

God Bless you, and treat yourself well,

Guido

Hi Queene,

thanks for writing back and no you are not whinning when you are talking to another person who understands chronic pain. You're husband may not completely understand, but does the best he can I'm sure like my wife. I did find out after my xrays that chiropractic neck snapping and movement are a no no. I didn't know that until later, and was trying everything to get some relief. The one thing that the Chiropractor did offer, was some kind of infrared therapy, I thinks that's the name of it, he puts a prescription gel on my neck and shoulderd that is cold at first then penetrates deep in to the tissue, then he uses this infrared machine, that transmits microwaves i think deep in to the muscle and produces deep muscle heat, that was great! That provided  a day and a half of pain relief. I looked forward to that the most. Then found out no more neck popping for me. I wonder if there is a way to find out from your company's HR person if they have one, what options you have, if you can't find someone outside of the company to advise you about the leave. I too worried about my job, and I've told you the results for me. However I had bit off too much responsibility, I essentially did 3 jobs, doing my original job, with two people under me, sales. Then when two managers of the company's plants in two different towns (one retired, one got fired) I asked to take over both those positions in hopes of more challenge for one, and more money. That was a big mistake on my part. Like I said before it only took, one and a half, or it might of been two years, to where the neck pain was so bad from my condition and daily stress, that on the drive home I could not turn my neck to look if someone was passing me in the fast lane, I would have to turn my whole body to see.

Then depression, and you know the rest of the story. the one thing you mentioned which I thought was super, was that you have opprotunity to do work with the church, and the community, that would be so fullfilling for you, and a perfect way to take yourself out of your pain. And of course anything involving people that need help is a blessing. Once my wife gets back to work I'm going to approach the hospital or meals on wheels, and see if I can volunteer 4 hours or so two days a week, I still need the other days to continue to look hard for work. But like i said I feel drawn towards that kind of thing lately, even working for a company that sells medical devices, that involves visiting the elderly at home to see how they are doing, and see if they need additional help, would be good. I'm 48 so a little old to try to get say a registered nursing degree, which involves two years I'm told of study, interests me, but financially I don't know if we could pull it off. But I'd like to come home knowing I made someone laugh, or gave advice to someone that needed it, would be a wonderful feeling. Maybe that's God's plan for me, and I know i can do it.

Anyway let me know if you can find out anything on the leave idea, do you have the option of neck surgery? That could also be a fixing the problem action, and you'd have time to recover. I'd (paranoid me) see if the company hand book talks about that, and would give you a written agreement that your job will be there when you get back. That would take the worry out of it. I also found out that if you go on disability which I did, the person I talked to said you can even work somewhere part time, it's not like unemployment, so that might be something to look in to, get your disability started, then work two days a week maybe at your job, or something else that feels good. Unless you are talking about permanent disability, I don't know much about that. Research is the key, before doing anything do the research first before taking any action. The beauty of it Queene, is you have options. You are never without options. I pray for you and pray, that you can get the direction clear that you need. I don't know how old you are, but I do know that when a person has worked over half their life, and gets unemployed, disabled, there is alot of guilt involved, and I'm still working on that. I want to be a usefull person, but more than ever a person that can give something meaningfull to people that need it. There is nothing more rewarding. And I'm sure is what God wants us all to do. Remember at work, to take your  breaks, short walks at lunch, stretch, sit in the sun and read a book for a few minutes. I did not do that the last 2 years I literally skipped lunch, and worked thru it, so which ever plant I was at I could give the clerks their lunch break, I probably took in two years maybe 10 lunches, where I actually left the plant and went to a restaurant to eat. I would eat at work, but not much, and to keep my stamina up, I'd drink Red Bull or something like that to stay sharp. When I came back for the 3 months they kept me, I started going to the YMCA for a short twenty minute tredmill, or go to the park and take a mile and a half walk around the lake there. I could see immediately the benefit, or go take a power nap, if you have a lunch hour at work, if they have a lounge, or if not, go sit in your car set a timer, and get a short 30 minute nap. I don't mean to be giving advice at all, but just suggesting ideas, cause I've been there.

anyway let me know what happens, and keep your hope light on. God will not give us more than we can handle, and sometimes drastic changes in life style, stressful or painful as they may seem at the time, are for a reason.

God Bless you and your husband, and treat yourself like a Queen, be good to yourself, give yourself, time off from the world when you need it guilt free, you owe it to yourself, and deserve it.

Guido.