Relationships or lack of relationships

At the time of my car accident, I was engaged to what I thought was a very caring man. I pushed myself to get better, I still tried to do all the things that I was doing before the accident. At about 5 months after the accident, this caring man told me that he was no longer wanting to marry me as I could no longer do "fun" things. Now, five years later, I live on narcotics to get through the day and I am alone.  At this time, I am pretty much homebound. I do have a power wheelchair, but I cannot use it because I do not have a wheelchair ramp on my home and no way to get the money to pay for it because I live on disability and we all know that isn't enough to live on. Thankfully, I own my home otherwise I would probably be living in the street.  I cannot drive because of my disability, and I should probably state that I did not get my disability until February 2008.  I lived for 4 years on God's good grace, I really don't know how I got through those 4 years without any money. God was watching over me and kept me safe until I was able to pay my bills. Now, I have to rely on neighbors and friends to get me where I need to go, or use the County services to transport me to medical appointments. What man is going to look beyond the disability to see the person behind it? There may be some out there, but they certainly don't live anywhere around me.  It's sad to see that the majority of people are so shallow that they don't see you as a person, but just as a object because you are disabled.  They think that because you are disabled you no longer have the capacity to love someone else, or that you would be a burden instead of a asset.  I guess the heart dies when you become disabled and are no longer worthy of love.  If there are actually people out there that don't think that way, please, come forward and prove me wrong.

Scooter, I read your comment about being in chronic pain and being alone and lonely. I'm in the same boat as you.

My chronic pain consists of headaches, which is either bad neck and back of my head hurting all the time, sinus pain, migraines, TMJ pain which I have arthritis in one of the joints which makes it hard to eat and I'm at the stage of not being able to open my mouth as wide as I used to. I also have a bad back from scoliosis that keeps me from standing up for more than 10 minutes at a time without excruciating pain. I know found out I have emphysema on top of all that. I suffer from severe manic depression and extreme anxiety.

By the way, I'm only 48. With my health problems, I wonder if I should get back into a relationship myself. What man would want to be with a person in my condition? Would it be fair to bring him into a relationship with me? But, yet, I live alone with only my two dogs. I have become a recluse because of this depression and have lost friends also. It's a bad situation. I still have a lot of life ahead of me and can't stand the thought of being all alone the rest of my life. (sniffle) But, what should I do?

Purplemoon

About 1 1/2 years ago, my son was kidnapped by members of his father's family after I left him that day. He had attacked my friends and myself so when we got away and were waiting for the police, they took him across statelines. To make it short, the cop who came with me later was shot in the head and I was shot 5 times by my son's uncle. He had been obsessed with me for 4 yrs and had been pretending that we were his family. I had been paralyzed in the process. The ammo was old so it ricocheted and I had to have 17 hrs of exploratory surgery. They cut me from sternum to groin to try to find all the damage. I had 3 holes in my small intestine, 1 in my liver, right lung and diaphram. My stomach was so damaged they removed about 3/4 of it. My left shoulder had a bullet go all the way through it and when I fell after being paralyzed, it shattered along with my upper left arm. I had been shot a hair's breadth above my right elbow causing massive nerve and tendon damage to the point that my hand was curled up in a fist and I couldn't open it. My throat was grazed by a bullet that hit my jaw, but bounced off not causing anything, but flesh damage. The doctors said they could only call it a miracle. My family hardly came to see me the 2 weeks that I was in the hospital and not at all while I spent 2 weeks in the physical rehab. I went to live with my 1/2 brother whom I hardly knew because I could stand my mother and my brother. I was left alone all day or else I watched his 3 kids. I cooked and I cleaned because no one else would. He took my pain meds, my nerve pills and my muscle relaxers. He would drink and do street drugs leaving me in my chair for over 24 hrs at a time. I couldn't get into bed myself because of my left arm and shoulder. I moved in with my mom after I had to have surgery because he wasn't taking care of me. My mom and brother used me for money when I received a small settlement from being shot. My brother left me in bed for a month without doing my leg exercises that keep up flexibility, keep me from having so much pain and help with my muscle spasms. It caused me to get a contraction in my foot and made it deformed so that it is pointing up in the air and is lifted about 4 inches in the air when set down on the floor or my foot rest on my wheelchair. He told me he wished I would die. I met a guy who I fell in love with and he with me. All the torment above happened within 5 months. I was also fighting to get my son back because they took him away when I was shot. I was only 22 when I was shot. I met a man and we fell in love with each other. We moved into an apartment together and he has been there for me while I have suffered neuropathic pain from my hips down even though I have feeling almost to my mid-thigh now and movement of my hips and upper thighs. The doctors have yet to put me on meds strong enough to help my pain. My boyfriend will watch and listen when my pain gets so bad that I writhe in pain and scream and cry. It hurts him to not be able to do anything, but he loves me so much that he endures it to be with me. I'm not saying that I am constantly like that, but I am always in pain. Its just that my pain tolerance has gone up to the point that I can endure this inhuman pain. Its just that at times it gets so bad I can't handle it. I have suffered a lot more experiences than getting shot in this time that is almost as bad, but I have written enough. In sum, no matter how much you suffer or endure, true love is out there and will find you. It will come and stay and help you through. 

I can't even begin to look for a relationship ...friend or otherwise. And I do feel lonlyness especially when I think about the future. I always wish I could find someone like me ...also in pain to live with. That is the only type person who would understand everything. I sometimes look for Gulf War Syndroms Guys because I know they suffer similar to me With fms, cfs, arthritis, etc etc. and I don't want to be so alone either. I don't feel well enough to go out and enjoy myself much I become numb sitting in a theatre and can only last a couple hours before  I need to rest or sleep a little. I wish there was a way to connect with people (Friends or Dating), for those of us that can barely leave the house ...if anyone knows please tell me!