I use to be described as the "go to girl" because I always managed to get it all done. I was climbing the professional ladder of success, I had 2 beautiful young children & even through divorce, juggled everything effectively. When migraine prodromal symptoms had me going blind, I didn't know it had anything to do with the ensuing major headache 20 or so minutes later, nor did I tell anyone - I tried to hide that too. I'd survived being threatened, being stranded in snowy, cold conditions with my children, survived the gammut of physical/emotional/sexual abuse. I'd even learned to hide my diagnoses of Reynauds, Restless Leg Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia & Osteoporosis as I continued to soldier on as sole provider for my children. Later the hypermobility & bursitis diagnoses also came.
Of course, that was in the beginning & 15+ years can do a lot to a person. I gave up medications & treatments to have 3 more beautiful children once I had been remarried for a while. I was a willing lab rat trying anything to get better. Yet, the opposite seemed to be happening. I routinely took myself off meds so as not to become addicted. I developed a resistance or a tolerance & meds often needed changed. I had several bad reactions to meds & some pretty close calls, still, I tried my best.
I use to be described as kind, patient, loving, a wonderful mother & care provider. But now, I wonder, was I ever that person? Or was it thanks to a gammut of pharmaceuticals?
Living in the beautiful Pacific North West, often called "God's Country" rightfully so, the weather has recently fluxuated from 4* to 18*. I remember my first winter in a different town of this state when the weather got up to 0* & actually felt warmer. Now, the barametric pressure changes cause me great pain & stiffness within my bones & often trigger severe headaches or migraines.
Back in the day I worked 4 10hr shifts so I could volunteer 1 day a week at my childrens' school. Now, without working, I cannot even volunteer 1/2 a day a week. The unrelenting pain. My nerves are on edge, I'm hypersensitive to sound & recently smell. The smell thing is odd because I've always had so many sinus infections I could never smell anything, now, this distasteful smell seems to predominately take over my nostrils.
I cannot remember how long I've been without pain meds but it was at least 3 weeks prior to my giddy-girl-like hopefulness toward my initial patient appointment at our local pain clinic. I had worked for the main doctor about a decade ago, for a year before my 4th child was born. She is a truly gifted healer, it is her calling. I had suffered a horrid migraine shortly after that 1st appointment & was given #30 vicodin to help with that. I ended up also having to use it for my dislocated wrist & rolled/sprained/strained tendons on my ankle as well. It was better than nothing but not by much. I try, no, I TRY to soldier on, to cowgirl up. Yet the tears pour down my face just attempting to walk a treadmill or do simple exercises.