Feelings
of being alone-fearful-angry-feelings of worthlessness-
hopelessness-restlessness, irritability, or feeling on edge-feelings of
overwhelming anxiety and fear.
Over the last 5 or 6 months, I've been battling the worst depression I've ever had. Only now have I really decided to share this.
Some of this I feel is related to the spy that WA state's workman's Comp. hired to watch me in June of 2005 for three days. The video caught me having a little fun, as a Day Camp Director for about 200 Cub Scouts! This was the last year I was doing this, it was announced daily that a new camp director would be needed for next years camp. The video is only 22 minutes long, with 17 minutes of me. The spy, paused or would stop the video every time I would sit down, or would go to the RV to lay down.
Over
the last several months, making a phone call, reading or writing
emails, getting out of bed was ALL so difficulty. Sitting and staring
out the window consumed my days, I'm not even sure what I was staring
at.
I tried to get to some of the every day chores, laundry, dishes, emails, phone calls, but I have to admit that did not always happen.
For me one of the worst things about depression, is knowing your depressed-knowing what to do to help yourself, but, and its a BIG BUT-Not to be confused with a BIG BUTT! I just could not do it, its just to much effort...
There are so many things that got left undone when this hit me. Which only added to the depression and the guilt.
So how do I go to all of these people that were counting on me, and tell them what? I'm sorry I did not get to you, I let you down- I was depressed?
There are a lot of people out there, who just do not understand depression, and living with depression. For me I do not like telling others I'm depressed-because of the fear of what they may think.
Only now, am I finally seeing flickers of light at the end of this lonely trail.
Whats your thoughts?
What do you do when your depressed?
Do you suffer with depression all of the time?
Do you tell others when your depressed?
Carol Rains
Hello Carol
It's good to hear from you.
I've been going through some depression lately, indecisions in life, awaiting a very long disability case and really sick of filling out forms and all the waiting that goes along with it.
We live way out in the country and having an already isolating illness, it's even more lonely & isolating way out here. I only go to town once a week and have been on this crummy schedule since last fall. The drive is about 30 miles round trip and the drive alone causes pain to ramp up, so I've already driven my pain up and am in need of BT meds, before I even get out of my car to shop. Most the time I try to get 2 or 3 errands in, but if I make it through the few errands, I'm in misery & have to recover for the next several days at home, just to turn around when I barely get to feeling better and then do it all over.
I'm going on year six of being in pain and I'm just feeling really burnt out and have tried and worked to get interested in life and what's going on around me, but I'm just really tired of putting forward the effort.
In the last few weeks, I've been up & then down and my emotions have been all over the place. All I can really think about is how little I have to look forward too.
We may be putting our home up for sale and moving, but we won't know till Monday if we are going to approve the price. The market is crummy and we are not feeling like we will take the realtors offer, so the only thing I might be able to look forward to, may have to be shoved in the back ground and I'll have to carry on doing the same old isolating life I have now.
I have an apt with my pm doc on the 26th, so I'm going to rethink my feelings and may ask for more treatment for the depression that seems to be setting in.
I hope you get to feeling better soon, If you ever want to visit, you've got my email address and I'll get back. But I bet you have lots of friends
Take care, I'll be thinking about you and I hope the state has gotten off your back.
Hugs
Betty