When all else fails PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! Not just for God to take your pain (or your life cause he won't do that) but ask God for guidance. I know it seems simple (or maybe even silly) but I promise it works. The Lord works miracles even in this corrupt world. If you believe God will help you he will. Ask him to guide and direct you and for his will be done not yours because he ALWAYS knows better than us. I have done that and have gotten so many blessings despite the pain I am in. I also read you applied for disability and got turned down. Did you appeal the decision? If so how many times? Did you get a lawyer? Disability turns almost everyone down at first. Even when you appeal it they tend to turn you down. I had a guy at disability tell me they do that to discourage people so they don't have to pay as many claims. I applied and got turned down and gave up. Than I prayed and I felt like God was telling me to apply again so I did and got turned down so now I was a little confused and asked God to guide and direct me. He guided me to a lawyer that only got paid if they won my case (they are out there) and if he won he'd only get some of my back pay nothing from my monthly pays in the future. My 2 children get disability until they are 18 because of me and doctor bills have been easier to pay. Plus after a certain time of being disabled you qualify for Medicare and you can add on a prescription plan so not only will you get disability that you aren't getting now but you'll also get health insurance and a prescription plan (if you want to add it). All this with a little prayer and time:) All you have to do is prove you can't work a 40 hour week and you will eventually (key word) get approved. The guy at disability told me even if they felt I could work part time it wouldn't matter cause they need to prove I can do it full time which didn't happen. I applied got denied, I appealed and got denied, I hired a lawyer and they submitted my papers and told me I had to wait until they got a court date in order to find out my end result. I got a letter in the mail a few months and a lot of prayers later stating it didn't need to go to court and they person who got my information overturned the ruling with out needing to step into a court room. The main thing involved in this is patience, waiting, and I personally think prayer helps a great deal. Unfortunately people who are suffering everyday have to suffer longer because of the way the government is set up. If they did their jobs the first time around a lot of people would be able to afford doctor bills, medicines, house bills, and stay out of trouble when it comes to credit. They are just hoping we all give up and never appeal anything because we don't have the energy to fight the system and in the long run they don't put out as much money. They really didn't want to give me disability because I am only 30 years old and they know they have to pay me until I pass which I hope will be many years from now. So they put up a fight but once I realized I had a chance so did I and I won:) I hope this helped in some way. I know each day is hard to get through but with the help of the Lord anything is possible. He loves us very much. God doesn't want us to suffer, he suffers with us and is with us each step of the way.  

Trials can become stepping stones to greater faith and deeper experience with God. Even birds migrating to the summer climates wait for the wind to blow against them so that they can rise up to the needed elevation before starting their journey. In Psalm 27:13, 14 we are told to "wait on the Lord." Just wait. That blow, that pain, that affliction may turn into a blessing soon. Disappointments will become "His appointments."

I can agree with that because without my disability I wouldn't be able to stay home with my 2 children. I wouldn't be able to afford it but now I get disability. Granted I am in pain every single day of my life but I get to see my children grow up right before my eyes and for that I'd cut off my right arm.

I'm sorry this is so long. This wasn't meant to sound like I was preaching to you. I just wanted to give you hope and understanding. Because I do know where you are coming from because I have been there and have been able to escape the horrible feeling of wanting to die every moment you're alive. If you'd like to talk more I am willing if not I understand. Take care of yourself and I will say a prayer for you.

God Bless,

M