hi,
Having lived over half of my 65 years in debilitating pain, I recognize an overload of physical pain, with emotional and spiritual confusion whirling your sense of abandonment about what your body is going through. I want to remind you to take time to TAKE YOUR MIND BACK. You have a MIND, not the other way around. The isolation and developing sense that you "can't" make a good decision about what the best step for you to take at this time, could be. You don't say who (or how many) doctors you have seen regarding your options. Surgeons generally want to come in and cut, then leave and leave you to deal with whatever it was or still is consuming all your energies --- leaving you with diminiishing remnants and a growing nagging that you MUST decide at once what to do...and then do it.
Simply, I want to encourage you to put your friends and family (the ones still left) out on the laptops/libraries/support groups for others like yourself who have gone through this surgical intervention. Once cutting starts, the entryway for other diseases and counter - productive measures that only begin a beleaguring nomadic existence sets in.
You need to take your MIND and give it a task every day. At least one thing each day that is positive and opening other doors (possibilities) to take back your POWER.
(You might ask this dr.(s) about some of his other patients (like yourself) and would he be willing to take your uncertainties and request that they talk with you about this issue, what the surgery has done for them, where is it taking them and how is their PAIN on a daily basis. Are they still on pain meds (even if the surgery only reduces your level of pain to the place where you can tolerate it with meds, that would sound better to me; but then, I'm not you, do not know your issues or responsibilities in this Life, how much internal and external consequences are you willing to put up with?
I have put up too long seeing the compromise in the disguise; and thus, much time was lost. The river does not flow backwards, nor does the chimes on the clock reverse themselves.
There used to be a show on 50's tv called THIS IS YOUR LIFE (and some well known celebrity would reveal their course of down hill collisions and how they were able to put together a "team" of multi-faceted healers to pull them back from the irreversal abyss they were teatering on.
The ancient healing techniques of early humankind were treated by a "Shaman" -- many will scoff at their true allegiance to remove or reduce the pillars of pain that you must daily find your being in conflict with. This is a tough Journey and many will not choose it, rather preferring the inner wrestling with pain, being all you must be, and most certainly hiding your greatest fear -- that someone will see you falter and know. The economic puzzle in this country right now is being overloaded on every front -- what can a person with crushing pain do? YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU (and I am hoping you have someone who cares enough to battle beside you) in this partnership. It will not leave either of you untouched, undone in some fashion. Perhaps old truisms will now have to be thrown out. That which one day made you strong and saved you, may now strip you and take your life. YOU HAVE ALL THE RESOURCES NEEDED TO WEAVE THE ANSWERS THROUGH.
WHILE we all walk on high wires for which we were not made (yet can be learned); we must yet cross over to the other side. I suspect there are more stable and enriching wisdoms trying to get through to you. Now everyone dreams. Most do not get serious with their unconscious mind where these dreams can be revealed. I encourage you to take a notepad along with pen and lay them on your bed/floor/table, so that immediately when you awaken you will find yourself with some yet clear images. Don't try to make sense of the them, just write down how you felt, any visuals or sounds that left you especially touched. This may take some time as we set our minds for morning rising, so we must become quite serious about where our dreams may take us in your dark sleep--and what the language (dream) of this strange land may tell you, inspire you, open doors and windows of LIGHT......you didn't even know existed. I say this only because I have followed and still do follow my dreams and their language. This accomplice can become your most reliable shadow. After some time goes by, you may find yourself able to retain more and more of the "jungle-like" tricksters you are pushing through. The more you TRUST YOUR DREAMS (and pay attention to where you are in Life and the living of it, you may want to draw them--now don't start with the no no's --- you are not seeking to be van Gogh (and then again....?). The Idea is to get your MIND to enter the rooms of your "home" ---- the house you live in. (your MIND) And there are many good books out there on DREAMS (also a class involving the dream language -- the dream will use what is familiar to you).
But, I have strayed too far (a vice of mine) from my original intention. We stand at the portal of a newly birthed year. You see I know you can fly, the dance is for you to know that too.
Be well. As you take care in what you eat (right?), so should you take care of what you allow entry into your MIND -- for here is our Heaven or our Hell. REMEMBER:
The HEART has reasons that REASON knows nothing about.
And as you macerte through that jungle you've allowed to take over your body and mind, so you must wield it through and along a Path you (perhaps) never knew existed. We all have one. Sometime it is a song to be sung, or a dance that becomes a communion. Whatever IT is for you, don't let this GOLDEN YET pass you by, therefore missing altogether the ridge of the pain, the whitewater currents of your body's reckless and frightening unscouted or unexplored terrain; or the greater Light that shines through you, in you and your Body's Lesson (to get you to understand so desperately that it would go to these lengths) , while always just inches away, is the cradle of Knowledge, Path-Finder, Immense Leader for others who then will be where you are now.
Amazing isn't it? What LOVE is and what IT is NOT. Open your Self and begin the REAL JOURNEY, my friend. PAIN is the door bell, the watcher at the well, the gardner on his knees not even glancing up as you pass, or are carried by. The Sun and the soil; the wind and the enfolding breezes wrap you gently and while you sleep, the answers grow beneath your tender feet. YES, the Journey is worth it. You are too much young to give up ! We do not know the role of our soul...and that for which our hearts in measure, once we do finally KNOW WHAT IT IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
~ayearning~
~ayearning~...
Thank you for your reply to this lady's question! My spine injury and resulting pain are nowhere near what this dear lady is going through, though my pain combined with other health issues have made each day a challenging one to live. Though not spoken directly to me, I needed to hear these words of truth you spoke. These are words of life... reminding me of who I am beyond pain and sickness and exhaustion. And it is these words that beckon my spirit to rise up in the life and strength, not that I possess, but of the One who calls me to life. Your words have given me more HOPE than anything else has in the past 11 years!
THANK YOU!!!! *big warm hug of gratitude*
You are quite the unexpected treasure, and I suspect that not many people recognize the gift that you are! <3