Sorry to hear about your situation Confused, I too am in a similar situation. My chronic pain comes from refractory chronic migraine and I often struggle with thoughts of suicide and extreme despair. I also suffer from major depressive disorder so the combination can often be overwhelming. Recently, I attempted to commit myself out of fears that I would no longer be able to convince myself that death wasn't somehow better than the pain I live in. After consulting with several doctors and psychiatrists in the ER it became clear that the psych ward wasn't the place for me. They explained that when in a great deal of pain, thoughts of ending it are a normal emotional and psychological reaction. Unfortunately, psychiatry is usually unwilling to treat pain as it involves the use of narcotic painkillers and/or other medications which have psychoactive properties. They advised me that speaking with my primary physicians (in my case a neurologist) to address the pain by itself would be necessary to make progress psychologically with my suicidal ideation. I will soon be seeing a pain specialist to hopefully do just that.

I suggest you speak with the physician treating your back and nerve pain and address your emotional response to pain. Tell them the urgency of your situation and that you are having thoughts of suicide because you are in so much pain. Hopefully, they will understand and do more to ease your suffering. If you aren't seeing anyone currently I'd recommend that you see a pain management physician, or a team including a neurologist and a orthopedist.

What you are feeling is natural, and I hope that you are able to control your thoughts and that they don't overwhelm you to the point where you feel you may actually harm yourself. If you do have suicidal thoughts which you feel may come to action, call 911 immediately or somehow get yourself to an emergency room and make it clear that you don't feel safe. They may not be able to alleviate your physical pain, but they will be able to make sure you keep yourself alive long enough to find someone to offer that relief and get back to the life you deserve.

My hopes that you find the help you need.

Stay strong,

Tiberius 

Confused 111

10/ 5/12 11:59am

I am in professional pain management but after 2 failed surgeries and a few more still to come , I just can't stand or tolorate anymore . When or if I even get to sleep , I get upset because I woke up . I know you have no idea who I am or what even happened but I now hate life and everything about it . Unfortanantly pain controls my entire life and I'm ready to throw in the towel .

tiberius

10/ 5/12 1:48pm

Did you struggle with depression and suicidal thinking before the pain?

Confused 111

10/ 6/12 8:33pm

No not at all , I used to love and be so full of life but now I'm completely different . Chances are none of us know each other but if you did know me before you would probably amazed of who I am now and who I was before , most people that do know me and have known me for ever can't believe the way I am now , I guess it's depressing for them to cope with it . I believe in KARMA and I constantly think and wonder what didn't I try to make right , I believe I must have missed one of my mistakes and try to fix it somehow and now I'm being punished . IDK

tiberius

10/ 6/12 9:51pm

Have you ever explored the idea of Ketamine infusions with your doctors? It has applications for treatment resistant depression and would likely help some with the pain.

I know exactly how you feel. I've had 5 lumbar surgeries and 2 nerve releases in my left leg. Now I have scar tissue encased around the nerve roots. So....I have chronic back, left leg, and nerve pain. My life is also falling completely apart in other ways. So in addition to physical pain I'm dealing with anxiety and depression.  There are a couple of reasons I won't commit suicide. My late husband killed himself 3 days before our divorce would have been final. He also had chronic pain. Watching what his suicide did to our kids was aweful. They were in their twenties when it happened. Suicide is not fair to the people left behind. Of coarse some of his family blamed me. Another reason to try to hang on is my belief in God. I'm really scared about what would happen in the afterlife if I did it. I think it is normal for us to feel this way with all we have to deal with. Please try to hang in there. I'm here if you want to reach out to me.   Scooter

Confused 111

10/ 6/12 8:36pm

I've taken inconcideration who would be left behind and their hurt but I just can't or want to deal with it anymore

Absolutely.  My years of progressive chronic pain have initiated a massive downward spiral into depression and anxiety.  I have regular suicidal ideations, but I also have a beautiful niece an nephew[just diagnosed with leukemia] that steer me away from taking any action.  It is tremedously frustrating in the current political witch hunt by the DEA to divert attention from that huge failure called "The War on Drugs".  Now they can harass, threaten, and extort legitimate pain mangement doctors so it appears as if they are saving addicts from prescription narcotics.  Those who wish to use narcotics will barely be affected while legit pain patients get to suffer

Try to spend as much time with other people[who are not using] and sit down with pen and paper writing out all the great things that are worth keeping yourself alive.

Good Luck and have a great day.

Phobetor