What Smoking CAN'T Cause
I've discovered that smoking does NOT cause good judgment. I used to think it caused good judgment, but why would I be smoking if that were true. When I was fourteen years old my judgment on just about everything was errant and sporadic at best. Hell, I'd grown up watching adults smoking in my home. Who has better judgment? Would that THAT were true, but as we who have become those adults now know, grown-ups don't know squat!
Smoking does NOT cause good sex...nor does it cause better moments after sex. Well, that after-sex cigarette DOES taste mighty good, but if you're the only one having one then what happens when he's on Viagra and is ready to go again...you have to get up and brush your teeth again. What a hassle. Those people in movies who are having a non-filtered cigarette right before they're about to kiss, which we all know will then lead to sex because the next scene is a train going through a tunnel...they wind up kissing with cigarette paper residue on their lips, which can only wind up in the other's mouth. It just doesn't work. It doesn't translate on the sliver screen...but Sal's writing all about that, so I'll leave that subject and go straight to working and smoking.
Smoking does NOT cause better concentration while working. It's GREAT for procrastinating or brain lock or even memory loss, but it causes the mind to wander rather than focus. Of course, the wandering can be sublime and lead to other cigarettes as you think you're thinking, but you're really just wondering silently....what you're going to buy for dinner at the grocery store on your way home, why that person standing next to the outdoor ashtray has such a horrible comb-over or when you're going to be able to tell you boss where he can go and how hot it's going to be when he gets there.
I WISH smoking caused good looks, but that is just a bald-faced LIE! I used to think that I would never ever get those vertical lines above and below my lips (what lips I have...more like two strings running across my lower face)...anyway, there they are...on MY face now. I still don't believe it of course, and because we never think we look to other people the way we look in our own mirrors, I've just wished that away, chosen not to dwell on it and risen above that reality.
There is no cause to think that cigarettes will help us relax either. Truth be told, they rev me UP! My heart starts racing, my breath comes more irregularly and I want to beat up someone...it doesn't matter who. The only way I could relax with a cigarette would be to take a Xanax, but then I'd have to worry about THAT addiction and that would cause me to smoke even more. There's just no way to win as a smoker. DRAT! It was my one true addiction. I don't think my love for movie popcorn and my inability to share it can constitute as a pure addiction, can it? And, when we were younger and could smoke in movie theaters, that was when I was my happiest!