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looking back at my prior posts i realize that my attitude could be better. i haven't smoked and i know that i wont. and i know that i'm better in so many ways for having quit. still, i'm struggling. i celebrated my 44th birthday this past weekend. after dinner my father, his wife and i were walking to our cars. he asked me how i was doing with the smoking. she and i replied in unison " the NOT smoking" i told him that i haven't smoked and had stopped the chantix. it's been about 5 months and although the the chantix can be taken for 6 i decided that it was time. he said that it must be getting easy. i quit because i have developed severe cardiovascular disease. i've had 2 procedures that involved the placement of 6 stents in my iliac artery and 1 in my heart. i just found out that the iliac arteries have renarrowed and that i'm going to have to have another angioplasty this week. the damage to my body is dramatic. it's excessive for my age and the amount i smoked. the cardiologist explained that some people have what amounts to an "allergy" to smoking; it just irritated my vascular system. it caused the smaller vessels to "die" in my legs and deprived the nerves of neccesary oxygen. i have permanent neuropathy in both feet; they have pins and needles and numbness and aching pain constantly. ANYWAY, i told him that it was still difficult. he pressed on, asking why i didn't hate cigarettes for what they did to me. he said that any thought should be a combination of utter loathing and joy for having quit. he said that he couldn't understand how i could have any desire. i realized that maybe my mindset is a problem. i do miss smoking. alot. i struggle every day. i even visualize buying a pack. i know i won't. but i'm not revelling in the pride and freedom. i feel deprived and sad. i'm planning on going back and reading all of anne mitchell and jim christopher's posts, but any other input would also be appreciated. i realize that the magnitude of my negativity lowers the chances of sucess. but because the threat of amputation or death loom large and close i really can't relapse. i just dont want to be a completely miserable nonsmoker. i'd like to be inspired and inspiring
Hi Randilyn - it is me, adrian ... it is weird not smoking, and when i read your comment , then your post , i realized i could have done better on my email to you ....
i will say Happy Birthday .. and offer you this , it is something that both my therapist and best friend have said to me ...
"There is no right way or wrong way to quit ... that you accept smoking the same as any other addiction ... and always remember you are a "recovering smoker" ... so just as you keep a journal in recovery for depression, or whatever your afflictions are , do the same for smoking ... write it down, get it out and move on ..."
So, while I thought about how dumb that sounded , it works for me ... as I do have issues aside from smoking ... depression, ms, cfs, cp, ibs, gerd and side shows that come along with each ...
My therapist said , what are your life goals .. gave me an assignment to do ... 9 life goals , what they are and how i plan to acheive them ...
Smoking , while one of the most stressful , was up there in order of priority ... so i talked about a plan, and just stuck with it ... and when i get stressed and "think" i need that smoke .. i take a walk, i do the laundry, i distract myself and practice my breathing , listen to music , any of the tools i learned to make me feel good about myself ...
i hang affirmations on the mirrors , so when i wake or travel into the bathrooms .. i re-affirm my sense of power over my body ... i tell myself that i am not a smoker any longer and sorta sneer my way through the detox , it doesn't have me ...
ms people use this logic , that ms doesn't have me , it doesn't define me , and this can and is applied to pretty much all situations ..
so, if you feel blue, feel blue ... but express it , by writing, painting , drawing , walking, take a drive , pet your pets , anything that makes you feel good about you .. and pat yourself on the back , you are allowed to .. as you are doing great ...
when faced with adversity, stare it down , understand it, accept it , find a way either through it or around it and keep going ..
my posts are generally negative ... most say i should look up , and i know they mean well .. but i also suffer from low self-esteem , so when i do write, it is for me ... when i do express , it is for me to release these thoughts .. get rid of them , so i can move on ...
i don't normally take the time to explain myself to anyone .. but i am generous to a fault ... another issue for me, and i am happy most of the time ... i tend to hold these negative feelings in, to myself , and when i get full , they spill out in ways that are not healthy ..
so , i take the high road, and continue to express me ... that is why i love this place ... i can feel free to let the "demons" out , as i usually just say, oh well, and even though it really bothers me, hurts me or pains me .. never again will i hold those feelings in .. as they turn to anger inside , that is not healthy ...
so write what you feel and think, and if you re-read it , even you will think , wow ? was that me ? and as time goes forward , you may even sneer at the situation , because it doesn't have you anymore ... am i making sense ???
i hope so, my cognitive skills are somewhat lacking these days , but i do my best .. so don't you worry about it , you can email me , or join me and my buddies on the chronic pain forums , "Daily Grind" , where we all have pain of some sort and find comfort and acceptance ..
wishing you well on your journey ... and while i am going away for a week .. i have decided this trip not to take any gadgets and just enjoy what i always loved , my friends, nature and talking ... lol ... take care ... adrian