a bit bewildered

looking back at my prior posts i realize that my attitude could be better.  i haven't smoked and i know that i wont.  and i know that i'm better in so many ways for having quit.  still, i'm struggling.  i celebrated my 44th birthday this past weekend.  after dinner my father, his wife and i were walking to our cars.  he asked me how i was doing with the smoking.   she and i replied in unison " the NOT smoking"  i told him that i haven't smoked and had stopped the chantix.  it's been about 5 months and although the the chantix can be taken for 6 i decided that it was time.  he said that it must be getting easy.  i quit because i have developed severe cardiovascular disease.  i've had 2 procedures that involved the placement of 6 stents in my iliac artery and 1 in my heart.  i just found out that the iliac arteries have renarrowed and that i'm going to have to have another angioplasty this week.  the damage to my body is dramatic.  it's excessive for my age and the amount i smoked.  the cardiologist explained that some people have what amounts to an "allergy" to smoking; it just irritated my vascular system.  it caused the smaller vessels to "die" in my legs and deprived the nerves of neccesary oxygen.  i have permanent neuropathy in both feet; they have pins and needles and numbness and aching pain constantly.  ANYWAY,  i told him that it was still difficult.  he pressed on, asking why i didn't hate cigarettes for what they did to me.  he said that any thought should be a combination of utter loathing and joy for having quit.  he said that he couldn't understand how i could have any desire.  i realized that maybe my mindset is a problem.  i do miss smoking. alot.  i struggle every day.  i even visualize buying a pack.  i know i won't.  but i'm not revelling in the pride and freedom.  i feel deprived and sad. i'm planning on going back and reading all of anne mitchell and jim christopher's posts, but any other input would also be appreciated.  i realize that the magnitude of my negativity lowers the chances of sucess.  but because the threat of amputation or death loom large and close i really can't relapse.  i just dont want to be a completely miserable nonsmoker. i'd like to be inspired and inspiring