guilt and abandonment. and sucess

so, i'm feeling pretty quilty.  but not for the reasons that you may be guessing.  years ago i attended a support group for chronic pain sufferers.  it was like a saturday night live sketch.  when we arrived the chairs were stacked 10 high along a wall.  most of us expended all of our reserve strength just setting up.  by mid point people were pacing, slumping, or just plain laid out.   the spine pain people had at least one hand holding the injured area. the poor, poor women with endometriosis were cluching pillows or purses to their middles.  after an hour of sharing some sucesses but mostly complaints we adjourned.  and all ran( ok, not so much running) to smoke in the parking lot.  i went several times but quit feeling that people who had experienced cessation of the pain really just weren't attending.  which i could understand.  but unlike 12 step programs (of which my knowledge comes from the diary of bill w and various lifetime movies) you didn't get the sense that life brightened much.  i admired the dedication that drove non using addicts into that community (accepting considerable risk in my opinion) to lead and inspire. 

Now i haven't written in months.  if anyone was following my progress they might assume that i relapsed.  But i didn't!!  i am ONE year cigarette free.  it was the hardest thing i've ever done.  and a year still makes me a neophyte.  i wish i could say that i never got a craving.  i do.  and i've gained 20 pounds.  but that's leveling off and i'm confident i'll lose it.  i've been around smokers.  family members and close friends that haven't given a second thought to lighting up. in front of me.  i don't kick up a self righteous fuss.  i walk away.  and i don't struggle with desire.  actually watching others smoke is an amazing deterrent for me. ( but i wouldn't recommend it for everyone)  and when i told my father the other day that i had hit a year his response was that i should dry clean all my clothing before i move next month!  duh!  i saw an ashtray in my new condo and had to get it verified that noone smoked in the unit.  i brought sensitive nosed people in to assuage my concerns.  so, i realize that every day, or even every year isn't going to bring accolades and ticker tape parades.  people will carelessly smoke in front of me.  outdoor seating in restaurants can still reek.some people believe that a health threat makes quitting a breeze.  the world hasn't changed.  but i have.  and i owe it to myself, my fellow quitters, and all those strugglers to keep writing.  maybe noone will care.  or maybe just one person will be vaguely inspired.  that's enough for me.  so i'm not done posting.  y'all are stuck with me.  and i'm posting a photo. with the extra 20.  thank you all for being.