it's been 18 months since i quit smoking.  i think.  i stopped counting early on because i wanted to think like a non smoker, not an ex-smoker (not that's there's anything wrong with that)  and it hasn't really been all that difficult. or, i should say hadn't been.  my father died august 2nd. from prostate cancer.  he was 65.  he had been a smoker until his 50's.  over the last few years i developed some serious health problems that made the choice to smoke seem downright ignorant and it drove him crazy that i continued.  he tried to make peace with it because he was upset that i always left family gatherings and cut visits short so that i could smoke.  he was really happy that i quit, though he didn't give me much credit.  he felt that my doctor's warnings had become so specific that quitting should have been a matter of course.  so after he died i became a little obsessed with the idea that i could smoke again without recrimination.  i actually went so far as to buy a pack of marlboro lights.  i took one from the pack and offered the rest to any taker in the line.  (i felt really guilty about that; i've advocated not enabling other smokers).  i took my one cigarette and left the store.  lit it in the car without inhaling and held it out the window for at least one song.  then i put it to my lips.  i took one, and only one drag, and was repulsed.  but if i had persevered i'd be a smoker again today.  i had the excuse, the stress, the opportunity, and (or so i thought)  no accountability.  that was when i became certain that i had quit for myself.  not for my dad or to gain credibilty from my doctors.  not for show or as a martyr.  truthfully i'm dealing with cravings again, almost, but not quite as strong as when i first stopped.  it surprises me when i'm overcome with a wave of longing.  so i'm realizing that i can't really unring this particular bell.  i am an ex-smoker and to stay one i'll have to keep making choices.  i wish i had never, out of teenage boredom, picked up my first virginia slim.  but i did.  and for the following 25 years i made that choice 20 or 30 times a day.  but the good news is that i only have to fight the craving once or twice a day.  not the worst deal.  a very small price to pay.  and as much as i miss my dad i'm glad that i'm not trying to hasten our reunion.  if he was here i think he would be proud of me because i had a good excuse to start again ( friends and family even told me that they'd understand if i went back temporarily??!!!?)and i haven't.  it's not easy, but it doesn't have to be.  it is, however unbelievably rewarding.  thanks to everyone who supported me and to this site for allowing me to babble my way through it.