So basically I've had depression since I was in middle school...it took my parents till i was a junior in high school to get me help but for insurance purposes and the fact my father doesn't believe in depression I haven't gotten any help since then. Since eight grade I don't know if I've ever been out of the water with this..what doesn't help is its a anxiety combo! Just really makes it better right? I am a HUGE introvert...I am way too shy. This being said, I don't talk to my family at all...I only talk to my mother who has moved to oregon and I don't share anything personal with them because it seems to turn on me in some way...
In the past...three or four years..my life has turned into this huge snowball effect...started out slowly but since 2008 began..my life has become unbearably painful for me...There are days when all i can do is plan all the things i need to take care of before i die...and i've given up tryin to talk to my friends...my girl friend thinks i'm fine..and if i told her in depth how i really felt she'd blame herself..which would not help at all...i dont even want to begin telling my other friends..because honestly..it either blows up in my face or they do or say nothing about it...I miss my old therapist...but i can't go back there...Sometimes i wish i could get help..others..i just want to...wait for that final trigger...I attempt to reach out for help in ways like..asking anonymous questions in class...or writing poems and just happening to let my friends read them..but none of it gets me anywhere..and it just gets worse..I don't know what to do anymore..i thought..maybe someone somewhere would be able to help..so i'm tryin this out...i just can't get rid of it this time..i feel like i have this huge weight on my chest...like its hard to breathe...I feel so stuck..Its just frustrating thinking about trying to...manuever out of this....I hate myself...so much..its unbelievable..and it has gotten so much worse in the past few weeks...i just feel so empty..nothing seems enjoyable anymore..i dont even want to get high anymore..i can't even cut anymore i'm just so ...gone...my mind is just so set on the fact that nothing will help anymore...and i'm just waiting for it all to fall apart...so much so that half the time im pushing it there..im acting in ways that push my friends away...i'm losing it around my gf so much so that she thinks about breaking up with me...I dont know...I'm ready to give up...but while i stick around and wait to graduate..i thought..maybe i'd let some strangers hear me out...talkin to strangers is so nmuch easier sometimes..
