Here's the background info... I live in California, I am a 26 year old female and I have been on and off meds for depression and anxiety since I was 15. I was molested as a child and raped as a virginal God-fearing teenager. I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused by my drug abusing parents as a child. I've been through a couple of suicide attempts and used self mutilation and alcohol as a way of coping. In the last year I started going to therapy. I am on Effexor, Ativan and Ambien. Dealing with all of this has been hard, but I am managing and I feel I have grown and I am understanding myself and healing more each day. I still have good days and bad days, but I am alive. I was diagnosed with severe depression, social anxiety, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsion, and pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. All are pretty much related...So anyway, My father was raised in Pennsylvania, grew up in the Air Force, settled in California, has lived here since 1983. When I was a kid we would go back east to visit his family every 2 years or so. When I was 16 and a senior in High School my paternal Grandfather passed away. My Aunt who had been married and bore children with her husband when I was a toddler, started dating one of her co-workers and divorced her husband. When we went back for my Grandfather's funeral we met her very new boyfriend and his three children. To this day I still refer to her ex husband as Uncle. While there, I took a liking to one of her boyfriend's sons, as innocent teenagers we secretly (or so we thought) kissed and held hands during my brief visit. We wrote a few letters back and forth shortly after I returned home and I never really gave him much thought. I moved to NJ when I was 18. Another Aunt of mine in PA passed away during that time. I attended her funeral but was only in PA for one day. Though curious, I didn't see the boy. A couple years after that I moved back to CA. Two years ago my Aunt married this boy's father. I haven't been back east to see that part of my family since 2000. My Grandmother passed away recently so I flew back for a week. While I was there this particular guy and I slept together. It was amazing! I have never felt so emotionally connected and spiritually in tune with another individual in my entire life. Having a rather (pardon my French) fucked up existence, I always separated sex and feelings, like disconnected myself from myself while quenching my carnal need for sex. I've never really been in a relationship before and kinda slept around a lot after the rape. So basically with this guy it was the first time I emotionally felt anything besides numbness while having sex. I guess you could say it was the first time I "made love". It continued for that blissful week. I felt and still feel absolutely incredible about the whole ordeal. We talk and send text messages to each other randomly through out the day and every night when he's falling asleep he calls me. Sometimes we talk for 3 hours at a time. He plans on coming to visit me in September. I have this rush of emotions and I don't know really how to express them. Or even if I should. I can't fathom what I would do if I told him how I felt and it was unrequited. I am scared witless. I love him, I am IN love with him and this has NEVER happened to me before. Another issue is the family. Ugh. They all know that we slept next to each other, but they don't know we slept together. I'm sure they all assume we did. There were 15 of us under one roof, and it's kinda obvious. I know he isn't really my cousin, but it seems somehow like it could be considered incestuous. We have spoken about it before, I am sure there are members of our shared family that would consider it that way, but I don't really consider it an issue, and nor does he. I mean our bloodlines do not cross whatsoever. And I am finally happy for the first time in my 26 years of life, as far as I am concerned if anyone can't accept that then they don't need to be apart of my life. Knowing my family, they won't care as long as we are both happy. in fact they'd probably be excited to see the two of us settled down, happy and in an adult relationship. Another issue is the distance. I mean I would move for him in a heartbeat. So it's not that big of a deal. Oh, I neglected to mention that his father told my mother that he always thought I was ****'s first love and first kiss. I don't know if he witnessed something a decade ago or not, but it sounds like he did. I'm just not exactly sure what to do here... Follow my head or follow my heart. I am confused. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!
