WHY DOES MY FIANCE HURT ME AND ISOLATE HIMSELF???

Well, I'm married (18 years) to a woman that only recently confided enough in her therapist for the therapist to realize my wife has depression.  We have three-grade school aged children.  Without getting into a lot of detail, the depression caused substantial problems for our marriage for years, but I did not know what was wrong and could not address it.  n fact, my wife denied that anything was wrong, and we grew apart.  I undoubtedly made the situation worse by my reactions over the years to what were wrong perceptions on my part.  Ultimately, we started marrige counselling, and my wife had an affair with the counsellor after less than 2 months.  After spending a week in the mental hospital after I found out because she became suicidal, she came home and has basically shut me out of her life ever since. She does not, of course, see it this way, but she has shown no emotion in the 6 weeks since her release.  She had confided only bits and pieces to her three close coworkers, and of course, I am now the "asshole" who caused my wife to have to be committed to the hospital.  It is like she turned into the Iron Maiden, and her lectures to me about how I need therapy, and how I need to love myself, and and and . . . are both scary and discouraging at the same time.

The comments about getting into a healthier relationship are right on target.  What would you do if you were married to the guy?  You would be stuck in the situation like me.  Although I have a relative neophyte in this area, I have joltingly come to the realization that if the person with depression will not accept that they need help, and then actively seek help, there is nothing you can do because they will reject any insight you may have because they do not want your help.  It is very hurtful to be the "tail of the kite," as my therapist says, when you are being thrown this way and that with every passing day. 

I love my wife, but I do not know how much longer I can take the rejection and humiliation.  I have to think about what is right for me and the kids.  After consulting a divorce attorney, she told me there would be no way my wife would get the kids.  So, with the prospect of losing the love of my life an becoming a single parent, my outlook on life is quite dismal.  Of course I am leaving out a lot of information, but you catch the drift. 

You have a choice.  Exercise that choice!  I know this sounds harsh, but my life right now is a nightmare.  Don't repeat it, please.

Wow, I thought about that.  He wanted to me to move in with him numerous times but I would not do it and he was not very happy about that. I know this because he keeps bringing this up.  I am very independent, I have my own house, my career, etc so I didn't just put up with crap.  Like I said in a previous post we had alot of good times together but he goes off, I don't like it and I'm tire of it. It's a very selfish act.  We had plans, some projects (cash cow) we were working on together.  My  gut instinct was telling me NO don't do it ...atleast not right now. 

Its not bad all the time, most of the time it's great, awsome but he goes through these episodes its toture and I guess I'm getting tire of it.  He has cursed at me twice in 4 years now that not seem alot to most to people but I'm used to be treated with respect and never dealt with someone who had these issues before.  I yes, I'm not innocent, I just didn't sit there and let him say things to me...I cursed him out and of course I was the bad person again because I just didn't tolerate his crap.

Hi again

well as always there is always two sides to every story...we are hearing what you are presenting and...thinking what if this were me?  But it is not any of us...this is YOU going through all of this.  So...it is your choice as to what you do.  I would ask yourself how you wish to spend the rest of your life. 

I wish you the best of luck!

Merely Me:There is always two sides to a story. His problem with is that I'm too vocal, I should take his crap (meaning put up with his mood swings, being snappy etc).  Is it fair for him to be okay 1 min, moody the next, cursing, snapping, wanting to go isolation, etc? It hurts when the person you love is nice to other people then shuts down when hes around gets home.  It didn't happen all the time but when it happens, It really bothers me.   I have been very supportive and have put up with his mood swings for years. 

off subject question:  What is wrong with this site? I keep losing data and getting a message saying "page not founded or displayed"

I am so sorry this is happening. we have been having technical problems and I will report this one too.  I really hope they will be resolved soon.

Thanks for letting me know!

Yes, it's extremly hard.  I have to let him go,  these feelings.   I have given up.  He is one of moods right now so he not to talking to me. So, I'm convince he hates me. 
So, I am going to let it be.     Its difficult with one minute person the person is nice to you, talking to you then the next minute they act as they hate you and they are nice to everyone else.  It's insane. Everything is and was always someones else fault.  I forgot to mention that he's a little paranoid as well. 

No, I really don't think that he hates you.....I think he hates himself.  For anyone to deal with all of his SH@#....., he knows you care.  But why take the blame for his own actions when he has you to take them out on.  You sound like an intelegent women and trust me God really does do things for a reason.  Maybe the more that you are away from him, your feelings will calm down and you can see everything through your eyes and not your heart.  I only say this because its happend to me a few times. 

He needs to admit to having a problem and get help, until then he most likely is going to be a person out of a horror movie.....as you have described.  I know it's hard, just hang in there and really try hard to think with a clear head

I just replyed   back with a LONG detail message and once again the site is acting up and I lost everything.  With that being said.  I will respond back  later tonight or tommorrow and next time I will copy and paste my data into this site.   Now that's irrtating.  

In my heart I believe that he hates me. If I would drop dead today, he would probably rejoice and it hurts so much.  I just don't understand how he can one minute say that he loves me then the next minute he hates me.  I mean hates me to the point that he ignores, withdraws from me, won't even look at me. At times he says he wants to become a hermit and just isolated himself then he makes comments like you will find my body in 3 weeks after no one has heard from me.  Then there are times, when we have the time of life together, we travel, cook, work on projects and just have fun together. He's also nice to everyone else but me.  The at times, he looks at me with this seductive, then he talks to me again, everything goes great, then he turns on me again and starts ignoring me and acting if he hates me. We had a disagreement 3 months ago and he still brings it up.  It's crazy. Everything that I have done for him, all the hardship that I had put up with him, it's like he has completely forgot.  We was sick, I was there, when his finances were not together I was there, etc and now he just deserts me.  What's the freaking use?  I'm tire of it.  I always showed this man support...ALWAYS. We he was sick, I was there!  Laying on his chest to see if I could here his chest weezing? Everything. He told me the other day he does not want to get involve me indirectly and directly. Then the next or later that day, he emails me and texts me like nothing has happen.  One minute is saying I'm depressed, then a two weeks later I said to him your awfully happy he said, I'm on medication I saw for one and he said for depression then he just laughed it off and I said know I'm not.  When I first met him, I thought he was the most charming man you would ever want to meet.  Almost like to its too good to be true...well it was, everything was a façade.   His only problem with me was that, I spoke up to much...I was too vocal.  So, lets see, I should just let him to and say anything to me and not say anything...that is what is wants me to do and every time I stand my ground to him, He's says that I'm insecure, I need to control my mouth etc.  But yet he can hide things from me, say anything and puts himself on this high pedestal.  The man asked to marry him twice, he put a ring on my finger and we traveled all over, everything.  When I first met him, he was so charming, then this Dr. Jerkell and Mr. Hyde sides comes out.   I now see why all of his other relationships failed.  He used to brag about how all the women wanted him, etc but none of his past relationships  never lasted anyway.