My house is falling apart around me (depressed partner)

Joan, is your partner still refusing to get help?  It doesn't seem fair if he isn't, and you're shouldering all the responsibility.  Now it's maybe gotten to the point where he's getting a payoff for being depressed - he can sit around and ignore everything, knowing you'll take care of it.  My husband went through an 18-month period like this when he was unemployed and wouldn't get help.  He would clean the house, luckily, but could hardly bring himself to look for a job.  He finally got one, which helped, and when we had to find a new couples therapist, she made him get an evaluation for depression and now he's on meds.  Anyway, I was close to the breaking point because I didn't want to leave him, he would have been lost if I'd made him leave but I was so angry I could hardly stand it.  Luckily, I had my own therapist or things would have been worse.

 

Ultimately, you're the one who has to decide how much longer you can go on like this.  Untreated, he may never get back to what he was.  I guess if he gets suicidal again, you could take him to the hospital or call an ambulance, but you can't make him do much else.  I think it's sad that you are basically living alone, even though you're with him, because he doesn't sound like a partner at all, just someone you're having to take care of.  Go ahead and point out the consequences of his behavior, but if he still keeps doing it, he's just giving you lip service.

 

I hope this didn't sound too harsh, but I just feel the unfairness of it all even though I can sympathize with the depression, but refusing to get help is getting to be a little old.  I hope you can work something out that will make you happy and that you'll let us know how you're doing.

Hi Joan

 

I know...this seems like a very unbalanced situation and unfair too.  So what to do?  I think talking to him honestly is a good start.  Maybe set some boundaries of what you expect.  But don't judge.  Just...say "hey, I can't do all of these things by myself, I need your help."  Be responsible for yourself and allow him to be responsible for himself. 

 

What do you think you might do when you find a job? 

 

Let us know how things go if you talk to him.  I wish the best for you!

I'm also in a relationship where one is depressed, but in my case I'm the depressed one. It is very sad that your partner will not get help because that is the only way to fix things. It could be that your partner, like myself, is feeling a lot of guilt over not being productive and burdening you with everything. No matter how your partner feels, they should care enough about themselves and you to get help with their depression.