I have been living (off and on) with a depressed partner for 8 months now and I think that I am making good progress towards making myself stronger and better able to deal with the situation. Over the course of his depression I have had to pick up most of the slack -- cleaning the house, doing dishes, cutting the grass, etc. and I have accepted that as part of my "new" life. But because of his neglect we are starting to have some major problems that, if they are not dealt with soon, are going to cause even bigger problems. For example a light in the house "exploded" yesterday and his comment was "oh, I guess the mice must have chewed on the cables outside". I went to start a fire in the woodstove last night and the glass in the front of the door apparently was not glued on properly and it fell to the floor and broke into several pieces. That is our heat source and winter is approaching quickly.
Where do I draw the line here? Does his depression give him a valid excuse to avoid any and all responsibility? Apparently he feels that it does. I hate to bother him with this stuff because he is having enough trouble coping with his emotions and I'm afraid that it would only serve to make him upset. Should I insist that he start to do something, at least some small things around the house? Or should I just learn how to do it myself or hire someone else to do it? Has anyone had experience with this? He seems unable to see the havoc his behavior is causing. I have noticed that I have to point out a lot of things to him now, as he seems incapable of realizing the consequences of his behavior anymore. For example, he may act in a very rude manner but not realize how he is coming across to those around him. Once I point it out to him he does apologize and try to change, though usually he ends up doing it again. Should I treat this situation in the same way, i.e. point out to him how his lack of responsibility is causing major problems, or would I just worsen his depression?
Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks !!
Joan, is your partner still refusing to get help? It doesn't seem fair if he isn't, and you're shouldering all the responsibility. Now it's maybe gotten to the point where he's getting a payoff for being depressed - he can sit around and ignore everything, knowing you'll take care of it. My husband went through an 18-month period like this when he was unemployed and wouldn't get help. He would clean the house, luckily, but could hardly bring himself to look for a job. He finally got one, which helped, and when we had to find a new couples therapist, she made him get an evaluation for depression and now he's on meds. Anyway, I was close to the breaking point because I didn't want to leave him, he would have been lost if I'd made him leave but I was so angry I could hardly stand it. Luckily, I had my own therapist or things would have been worse.
Ultimately, you're the one who has to decide how much longer you can go on like this. Untreated, he may never get back to what he was. I guess if he gets suicidal again, you could take him to the hospital or call an ambulance, but you can't make him do much else. I think it's sad that you are basically living alone, even though you're with him, because he doesn't sound like a partner at all, just someone you're having to take care of. Go ahead and point out the consequences of his behavior, but if he still keeps doing it, he's just giving you lip service.
I hope this didn't sound too harsh, but I just feel the unfairness of it all even though I can sympathize with the depression, but refusing to get help is getting to be a little old. I hope you can work something out that will make you happy and that you'll let us know how you're doing.
Yes, he is still refusing to get help. Says he "doesn't trust anyone". He seems to be getting worse instead of better. He has completely divorced himself, not only from me, but from anything having to do with the house. He spends most of his time either working or staying with friends. I actually gave him an ultimatum... get help or move out and he refused again to get help. The problem is that I don't have a job right now and until I find work I can't afford to live in the house by myself and pay all of the bills... not a good situation. Once I find a job I will have more alternatives. He said that he felt he was doing the best thing for me by staying away, but I tried my best to explain that this was not the case. I will try to sit down and talk to him about the situation. He needs to at least make an effort to contribute to this household.