Nuts (Triggering)

I am now talking openly of suicide and death. I have told friends that I consider myself dead and see no hope for my future. If I were just dealing with cerebral palsy, things would be OK, but I have lived with emotional turmoil for much of my life and the chronic pain sent my depression into overdrive.

I have a friend who I write to on a daily basis at his request and even he is getting sick of my depression talk. He wants me to write articles and send them to him. (He says I'm a good writer.) But it is hard to do much of anything when one is constantly on the edge of burnout. It is sickening to have people tell you that they see you as an inspiration, when you want nothing more than to disappear or end your miserable existance. And let me be clear, it is the depression making me miserable and not my cerebral palsy, however, people treat me like dirt because of my physical handicaps.

I am seriously considering not writing my friend anymore. I am also considering going back into near total isolation and sleeping my days away. I am sick of feeling like I have to lie to my friends about how I feel. I am sick of the system failing so miserably. When you are in a wheelchair, it is not easy to find a psychiatrist or support groups and the people in these groups can be just as offensive towards people with disabilities as the next person. In fact, even my own parents were doing things like throwing me onto my bed and rubbing my face in my own excrement when they couldn't handle me. Then they stuck me in that institution for a year and a half, when I was five. I've never recovered from that, even if my parents ended the physical abuse when they learned my bones were fragile due to childhood osteoporosis. (Gee thanks Mom and Dad! Or should I call them my ex-parents.)

Even if I never take my own life...thoughts of suicide plague me, even when my chronic pain is under control. The hospital treated me like dirt the last time I tried to get help for my depression, so seeing them is out of the question. So right now, my mental health continues to deteriorate and I sit in my apartment making nooses and struggling to get through the next hour. Thinking ahead further is too much for me.

There are some times when I am not in severe pain, but I live with both severe depression and severe stress and I wish that I could somehow end my misery, preferably without killing myself. But understand this, I am on the verge of losing it. I am now spending much time in bed to deal with the emotional pain. The number of wheelchair accessible psychiatry offices are limited and I have been through 3 shrinks in five years. I am even considering not writing to my on-line friend who asked me to e-mail him daily, not writing him until I can think of something else besides death or suicide. At this point, I am cursing myself for not having the courage to take myself out with the rest of my trash.

Things are so bad that I bought $30 worth of food for the poor box, stuck $40 in the Church restoration fund and told God I'd give my life to him if he would make my depression go away. And I am on a fixed income. (Among other things, I figure I could ease another's suffering even if my own life is at rock bottom and is going to stay there.) And I didn't feel any relief. just more depression.