The struggle to meet my OWN needs

Please pat yourself on the back!   You have taken many HUGE steps others have and will continue to face -- THEY CAN'T DO IT ALONE.  We all need an oasis in our lives, a shelter from the storm, a place to just be.  You have taken steps to seek that out.  KUDOS TO YOU!  Here I find that people are as open and honest as practical.   Keeping taking "the next step"  you won't be sorry.  P.S.  Remember it's impossible to be everything to everybody so be the best you can be for yourself and the rest will fall into place.

God bless!

EONE

I'm so sad for you and truely wish that you were near me. I too am a professional, I'm a professor, and went many years without treatment. I have major depression and anxiety but somehow managed to raise my children on my own. My daughter is about to begin law school and my son is in college. There have been many traumatic events in my life and I fell that I can barely hold on. People are always telling me that I am such a rock, but I'm not, I just pretend to be. Oh how I wish I could talk to other people that would understand what it is like. Yes, I go to therapy now and see a doctors for meds, but they won't really know and besides, I can't call them today and say "Hey, I just need a little reasurance or a hug would be good."

Dear Orrb4:

I just very recently joined this online community site in hopes of connecting with other professionals in the field who are struggling with their own battles. I'm so glad I did a search and found your message. You have alot of courage to keep going in your job.  It is an ongoing struggle, isn't it?? I have not been able to find a support group in my area for professionals who battle with mental health issues.  I am in my late thirties, have been working as an outpatient mental health therapist for over seven years. The last four years with adults in community based clinic. However, I have strong family history of depression and bipolar and alcohol abuse on my father's side mostly. At times, felt suicidal ideation, more so when I was a teenager and in my early twenties.  I abused alcohol often as a teenager.  As I got older, I was able to be more focused and motivated to finishing school. I did fairly well in school, then lost my g. mother to ca, very close to her, very deep loss. I jumped right into an intense grad program and then when on break, I really fell apart, total self pity, drank heavily, smoked heavily, not using good judgement and did things I normally would never do. that went on for a couple weeks until I realized I could either just stay on this path of self destruction or start getting it together to go back to grad school to finish. I chose to finish and I went to A.A. daily meetings for a month or so. Felt I had some spiritual awakening..read alot of books on self help, care, etc. It is not easy to find a safe place to be open and share the personal demons inside when you work in the mental health field. I can share some things with colleagues and I know colleagues who either see a therapist or are on meds.  However,there is this underlying discomfort in sharing too much for fear that my judgement or ability to practice may be in question. That could very well be my own insecurities, self doubt, lack of confidence, etc. Anyway, many stressors over the last four years have greatly contributed to the increase in panic attacks, feelings of failure, guilt, etc.  I have never been officially diagnosed because I have never seen a psychiatrist.  I have seen a therapist a few times a couple years ago when I really felt like I was coming apart due to personal and professional stressors.  I didn't stick with it because I wasn't feeling real connected to this person and also, my husband kept questioning me when I would come home, as he seemed to feel a sense of betrayal, and he was bothered by the fact that I felt I couldn't talk to him. I started feeling guilty about that so I stopped.   I am presently taking an antidepressant daily and also use antianxiety med and muscle relaxer prn.  these are from my PMD.  These meds allow me to cope on the job and also when I am in crowds of people or even sometimes just being in a meeting at work in a group.  As you probably know, mental health workers are over worked, stressed out from high caseloads and agencies demands regarding paperwork, etc. I get easily overwhelmed at times.  Recently, I lost two clients..one to an overdose and the other natural causes. I wasn't real attached to them but it really affected me. i haven't felt the same since. I have more obsessed with the idea of death, morbid thoughts, although I have no suicidal ideas. i often think about loved ones who have died and imagine seeing them.  I know this is part of the depression.  I day dream often, I have trouble focusing on tasks that need to be done...I feel most energetic in a.m. and feel pressured to try to get as much done as possible in the morning because I know by afternoon, I can't handle much more. I seem to be able to stay focused with my clients, feel good about my work with them.  Sometimes though, I secrelty envy them, they don't work or work part time, they don't have the stress that I do.  They have no idea how well i can really relate to some of what they are going through.  Some days, I "hide" in my office all day and no one sees me until the end of the day.   Other days, I am running like a real crazy person around the clinic, very anxious, have many tasks i.e. go to chart room, filing, faxing, talking with this m.d. or that m.d. etc. I have alot of self doubt and very often fantasize about getting out of this line of work, doing something completly different. But, reality and poor motivation stop me.  I can't afford to not have this job, my education and training is in social work field and I have a whopping student loan bill and also credit card debt that I acquired before I got married.  I have no motivation to going back to school. Not sure if I am just burned out or if I am really in a clinical depression or what.  I have seriously been thinking about seeing a therapist monthly.  I would really love to hear back from you on how you have been managing and if you have any suggestions for me.  I didn't mean for this to be so long.  Any feedback would be appreciated.  Please hang in there, stay well, take time for yourself.  

tbeth707