Sad, Angry, Hurt, Discouraged, depressed, Fearful, Lost

CindyLB Community Member July 06, 2008
  • I went to bed last night (well, more like 6 a.m. this morning) and as usual my mind went in circles for a bit until I could finally curtail it and head it down one path.  I finally did fall asleep but before I did I decided that I'm going to try several things to see if I can't get rid of some of the "junk" inside me.  Maybe if I can get rid of some of this garbage I can put it behind me and I'll start feeling better.  I know I need to see if I can get some professional help but until that happens, this is going to be my sounding board.  For any of you who may read this, please be prepared for a bumpy ride, because this is the real stuff for me. 

     

    At the end of 2000 I moved two daughters and son from Florida to Kentucky.  We had lived in Florida for about 11 years and had our own home, I had a good job that I loved and had been in for 8 years, my kids were able to stay in the same school system from pre-k right on up....our lives were pretty good.  Perfect - no, but I've never expected perfection.  Financially we were ok, once in awhile had a little extra to play with, once in awhile had to scrape -- such is life.  Physically we were all healthy, and emotionally we were all pretty happy.  So, why did we move?  I've asked myself a million times why. 

     

    To make a long story very short, I was adopted when I was about 3 yrs old and in 1994 I decided to find out if I could get medical records, not just for myself but to give my children some type of medical background.  While I was doing that I found my birth father.  He and his family welcomed us with open arms and we started communicating and visiting each other on a regular basis.  You guessed it - they lived in Kentucky.  As my children got older, particularly my son, we started having problems in our neighborhood with break-ins, kids and drugs, things I did not want my kids into and my son was being pulled into it very quickly.  He was just about ready to go into his teen years and my youngest daughter was only 2 years behind him.  I was afraid that with the way the neighborhood was changing I would have my hands full.  We had no other family in Florida so raising teens as a single parent in a neighborhood that was quickly turning very bad was NOT what I wanted to do.  On a visit to Kentucky I mentioned that I was getting concerned about the way things were changing and my father and step-mother suggested we move up here.  Well, it took a couple of years of convincing, but when I woke up in the middle of the night and found the neighborhood kids building a a fire in the middle of the road in front of my house (which was only one of MANY things that happened) I decided that maybe a move would be for the best.  We discussed it as a family and the kids were all excited about it.  They had spent enough time in Kentucky by then that they loved it...and of course they would have grandparents here, aunts, uncles, counsins...everythings we DIDN'T have in Florida....and I would have a support system with raising my children.  After about another 6 months of deliberating I sold my home, left my job, and moved us to Kentucky.  At my one brothers insistance, as well as my parents, the kids and I moved in with my brother.  It had been all planned for us - or so it seemed.  My parents had 5 acres of land and if I waited until spring I could purchase a modular home and have it put on a piece of land and be close to not only my parents but 2 of my 4 brothers.  To good to be true?  Oh yes!  Within a week my oldest daughter, Amanda, and I both had jobs, my younger two were in school all day, and I thought all would be well...maybe a little more hectic than we were used to with so many people around all the time, but it would work on a temporary basis.  My brother and his wife had a new baby so I was able to help her with the baby in the evening, etc.,.  Since we were on 5 acres of land that was basically open we were told to go ahead and bring our dogs, but when we got here all of a sudden they had to be penned 24/7.  The kids were not allowed to take them out of the pen, even if I was home, unless one of their grandparents were outside too.  Mind you, we are now talking about December and January, snow, low teens,etc., and my kids being used to Florida weather!  We were literally told that we needed to be up by 5a.m. every day, the kids needed to take care of their dogs before they did anything, then they could come in and have breakfast and get ready for their bus, which arrived at 7 a.m.  Then they got home at 4:30 p.m., I got home at 5:30, and then we had dinner, homework, take care of the animals, baths, and bed by 7:30 or 8 at the latest.  If they were up past that one of my parents would come over and tell me to get them in bed.  I was doing the cooking (my brothers wife didn't know how), cleaning (she was to busy with the baby), and then, when I wanted to get a 2nd vehicle for my 22 yr old so she could work better hours instead of the ones I did, I was told that there were already enough vehicles to worry about, they didn't need any more there.  I paid off an old phone bill for my brother so a phone could be hooked up so I'd have a way to communicate with my kids if there were an emergency, I ended up buying all the groceries, paying the electric and water bill, loaning them money for a car payment, and buying diapers, wipes, formula, etc., for the baby.  Plus I paid them weekly rent on top of that.  If I wanted quiet time with my kids, just to talk or find out how things were going with them, I often called them into the bedroom and we'd pile on the bed and talk.  I was told not to do that anymore, it didn't look right and everyone was wondering what we were hiding.  My son got in trouble for being mouthy on the bus one day (hmmm, typical 12 year old) and when I got home there was a family "conference" telling me how they planned on "nipping that problem in the bud" and had already doled out his punishment.  My step-mother had grounded him for 2 weeks and I was told I had no say in it.  By February I was frazzled.  Then the icing was put on the cake.  I got a call at work from my brothers wife informing me that my daughters dog had gotten out of the pen and they couldn't catch him so my brother took out his shotgun and shot him.  Within an hour I received another phone call from my other brother saying that I needed to get home and get the dogs out of here or they would all be shot.  I told him I couldn't just leave work, I would come home straight after work and take care of them.  Well, needless to say, I got home and the other two dogs had been shot and killed as well.  They waited until my youngest two were home from school and told them that they did not need animals, they didn't take care of them, they didn't spend time with them, and that if that was the way they were going to treat and animal they didn't deserve them, they'd be better of dead.  They shot the dogs in front of my kids.  I came home and they were devasted.  I was too but I had to hold it together for them.  I started looking for a place immediately.  By then my resources were getting low.  The profit from my house had been ok but with the moving expenses and taking care of their household and mine, I had very little left, but we managed to find a place that I could move us into the beginning of March.  Two weeks before that I came home and my brother and his wife had been fighting and she had taken the baby and left.  He and my step-mother met me at the door and told me that it was our fault, we had put to much strain on them, and we had one week to find a place.  Of course the security deposit on the one place was non-refundable so I lost that and had to find a place within a week. I finally did - a little two bedroom trailer that was pretty much falling apart....but it was a roof over our heads and we were together...just the 4 of us.  Yeah, you pretty much guessed it.  My brother and his wife got back together, had another baby, split up again, got back together, split up again, got back together, and now, 7 years later, they have a third child and are divorced.  And I was left with two kids heading towards their teens who had just gone through the more trauma in 10 weeks than they had their entire lives.  My 22 year old helped a lot, but she was angry and hurt as well, so we were a great bunch to be around. 

  •  

    I know, without a doubt in my mind, that this time frame is when I began to really question myself...to guestion my judgement...to ask myself where my head was at that I could put us through all that...and the bouts of depression started...small at first, then bigger and bigger. 

     

    I can't write any more today.  I'm thoroughly exhausted and need to go rest for a bit...maybe cry for a bit...maybe get this out of my system once and for all.  The bad thing is, it still hurts, and I'm still angry, and I'm still afraid.  I'm afraid when I hear someone pull in my driveway that they are going to tell me something bad.  I'm afraid that we will do something we don't even know we've done and get in some kind of trouble for it.  I check the caller ID on my phone on every phone call because I'm afraid it's someone who's going to want something from me that I can't give, or that I don't have.

     

    I'm just lost.

5 Comments
  • Anonymous
    Mr. B
    Jul. 25, 2008

    What a circus!  Get as far away from that screwed up bunch of losers as you can!  You've got more gumption under your fingernail than the whole lot of them! 

     

    I just shook my head...you have given them all and they want more... a bunch of takers. 

     

    The dog story pretty much summed up what they are made of...Sh-t!

     

    Distance girl...get...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    What a circus!  Get as far away from that screwed up bunch of losers as you can!  You've got more gumption under your fingernail than the whole lot of them! 

     

    I just shook my head...you have given them all and they want more... a bunch of takers. 

     

    The dog story pretty much summed up what they are made of...Sh-t!

     

    Distance girl...get some rest and believe.  You have come a long way...keep going...sounds like yu are blessed with great kids...thank God for that. 

     

    Shot the dogs...da_n!  In front of the kids...they ought to have thier a____s kicked!      

  • Mamee
    Jul. 15, 2008

    As I'm sure you know now, coming to KY. was a mistake. #1, you were adopted at 3, that should have told you where you stood with the biological family. You never exsisted before you started to look for them. What I would do to them over the animals, well I believe they hand out jail sentences for it. You have to erase these people from your life, get far away,...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    As I'm sure you know now, coming to KY. was a mistake. #1, you were adopted at 3, that should have told you where you stood with the biological family. You never exsisted before you started to look for them. What I would do to them over the animals, well I believe they hand out jail sentences for it. You have to erase these people from your life, get far away, take you children and run. Starting over is hard but it cant be any harder than what your dealing with now. I too live in KY. this place has cost me everything, the lives of 2 of my children, and so  much more than I can mention. My mistake was leaving Oklahoma. I beat myslf up everyday for that errror in life. There is family here, but that is a huge disappointment. Family is the hardest to deal with. Your wonderful if your giving, but if you need, your alone and they can hurt you worse than any enemy you ever had. Save yourself and your children and run. You and your children will be in my prayers. Mamee

  • rev soc bloem
    Jul. 08, 2008

    Dear Cindy,

    I am sorry for what you and your children have experienced.  No wonder you are worn out.  It sounds like you and your children have post traumatic stress disorder.

    You should go to a mental health professional in your area and be evaluated.

    You have shown amazing courage.

    I am praying for you.

    Steve Bloem

  • Anonymous
    Peanut
    Jul. 07, 2008

    That who situation is awfull!!!  But, I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason, even though I have yet to see what good is going to come out of my whole deal.  It sounds like you have been there for 7 years or so now?  If you had the courage to pick up and move once, because of crazy neighbor kids, then why don't you do it once more? ...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    That who situation is awfull!!!  But, I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason, even though I have yet to see what good is going to come out of my whole deal.  It sounds like you have been there for 7 years or so now?  If you had the courage to pick up and move once, because of crazy neighbor kids, then why don't you do it once more?  I have 3 kids myself and I know it's hard on little ones and big ones to pick up and leave, but what's most important to them and you is the 4 of you and everyone's happiness.  KY might be a nice place to live, but with not so happy memories recently.  I'm sure your extended family had some good in them for you to feel comfortable enough to move there in the first place.  But the outcome doesn't sound so good.  Why not try one more time to find a happy, new place?  Somewhere where there is a variety of colleges to possibly choose from, or if everyone's working, somewhere that might satisfy everyone, and that there are options close by.  There's a website, I believe it's called "find my place" or something similar, I can check and post back, but it ask you a series of questions, and gives you the top 20 cities that have all that you want, from all over the U.S.  Have everyone input on it.  Get a fresh start.  A friend of mine did the same and didn't know a soul in the city that they chose and it was all the way on the other coast.  I live in california and they  moved to north carolina.  They LOVE it.  There's everything they want there and made it work with just 3 kids too.  It's worth a shot.. fresh start.. I know it's hard, but maybe the right thing.. no more worrying about who's in the driveway or phone.  You contact them and only give them maybe a cell phone to find you, nothing else.  You talk to them on your terms and times.  None of what happened there is your fault.  There were issues way before you came.  Everyone and some things can always look good on the outside.  People are good at hiding a lot.  If moving's a possibility and that site helps you, then look for work on line.  Call the chamer there and have them send you information, newspaper info, then go on-line and research.  Have phone interviews.. anything's possible, it's just getting up the courage to take the first step out of the fog.  Once you are out of your comfort zone, anything is possible. 

     

    My story is just as crappy.  I posted it on Asheral's comments.  If you don't see it, I can tell you.. maybe you won't feel so bad once your hear what I'm in the middle of.  My kids have gone through the wringer too, and it's not over. 

     

    Hang in there, know that somewhere, sometime things are better, and you're not alone.  Someday your kids will understand too....

    • CindyLB
      Jul. 07, 2008

      Thank you for your kind words - and you are right.  If I could pick us up and move us here I can do it again.  This time I would be probably leaving two of the 3 children behind - one is 21 and out on his own, has friends, a girlfriend, etc., and the other is 19 and with a guy that she thinks she's going to marry and he'll never leave Kentucky - to...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Thank you for your kind words - and you are right.  If I could pick us up and move us here I can do it again.  This time I would be probably leaving two of the 3 children behind - one is 21 and out on his own, has friends, a girlfriend, etc., and the other is 19 and with a guy that she thinks she's going to marry and he'll never leave Kentucky - to much family here.  So, though I know in my head that I don't need to be here just because they are, in my heart I'm feeling that pull to not leave them.  This sort of feels backwards - kids are supposed to grow up and move away from home, not the kids grow up and MOM moves away from home!  lol.   We have a few possibilities we are checking into.  One is in Vermont, where we have some friends that we've known for about 20 years, and the other is in Arizona.  Both options are open, and I know we could PHYSICALLY make the move, but I've been holding back because I know that I'm scared.  Yes, a lot of it is leaving my two adult children behind, but another part of it is that I'm afraid to make another mistake as big as this one has been.  I have given myself a time line of next spring to get it together and make a decision, and I'm trying to lay some ground work in the meantime by getting an internet business going (have internet, will travel) that can go anywhere I do, getting the finances in order to be able to make a move, then deciding where I want to go - where I want to BE!  I have to admit, I never thought at my age I would be wondering what I was supposed to do with the rest of my lift.  I've always been MOM.  I raised the kids on my own so I was it...and I guess now that I'm NOT "it" for everyone I'm lost.  Now I'm trying to figure out who I am and what it is I really want.  That website you mentioned - if you can find that I'd love to know more about it.  Maybe I'll get even a few more ideas that I can check in to.  I jokingly keep telling my children that I'm in no hurry, I have nothing but time on my hands - and part of that is true - but that other part of that is that I'm lost because I DON'T know where I'm supposed to be, I DON'T know what will make me happy, I DON'T know who I really am.  That person has been gone for a lot of years, and rediscovering her now is really a little scary.

       

      Today has been a much better day that the past few, and I'm actually up and moving, doing work, went to town and got groceries and all that.  When I have days like this I know that communicating with people is a lot healthier for me than shutting myself off and hibernating.  Sometimes we need to hear what others are in the midst and share some of ourselves.  It's funny the things that I've said to other people that I'll stop and think "wow, I really should try that in my own life".  lol  So, yes, even though I'm going to go look for your sharepost, I'd love for you to get back in touch with me and tell me about you and your children.  Maybe we can share kind words with each other that will help brighten each of our days. 

       

      I'll look forward to hearing from you.

      Cindy

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