Can I get out?

By spacedit Monday, March 10, 2008

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A few months ago, I would have gladly spilled out my life story right here and felt good about it. But I simply no longer have the motivation. I can't believe I'm even doing this...but I'm scared. Really scared. I need help so bad and I have no where to turn. My family can't afford for me to see a doctor or get counseling.

No one understands and no one's trying to. At first, a couple of my friends were there to pick me up, but once my breakdowns and "episodes" became more regular, they stopped listening. I can understand that...they have problems of their own and I certainly don't want to add to it.

I have managed to stop breaking down every single day. To be honest, I think I'm getting better. But right now, my life is catching up with me. I fell so behind in school that I'm not sure I have the ability to catch up, and I have to graduate this year. Everyone thinks that I procrastinated everything or that I was simply too lazy, but the truth is that it's hard to write a billion essays and analyze dumb advertisements when you're curled up on the floor, wondering if your life is worth living anymore.

Right now, I just want to talk. I need to talk to somebody who understands and who can relate. I actually overcame depression once and was free from it for about a year. I do know how to get through it, but believe me, it's harder the second time.

Wow. It's...gone.

Comments (5) | Add comment

3/11/08 7:30pm

I completely get what your saying about feeling overwhelmed. by school, for one, especially. not knowing if you are even capable of catching up-not because of laziness or procrastination, but because you cant focus because all that is running through your mind are endless thoughts of self hatred and all you want to do is curl up and disappear forever, and you cant stop crying. its just so hard to manage all the demands and responsibilities of living when feeling like this. I totally get that! and sometime I think it would help to talk about it with someone, but I hate the thought of burdening my friends. I have a few who are really supportive, but I find myself putting up a front of false happiness around them anyways because the last thing I want to do is bring them down because sometimes they are the only things getting me through each day. and I just end up feeling like the lonliest person on the planet, even though I know there are other poeple out there stuggling just as much or more than me. I just have to remind myself of that. so dont feel so alone...I know that probably doesnt mean much coming from a stranger, but seriously...I for one am more than willing to listen to anyone who needs someone to vent to. we all need that in our lives.

spacedit

3/11/08 10:05pm

I can't even tell you how good it feels to hear that someone else knows how it feels. I wanted to jump for joy when I read that. Not that I'm glad that you have to deal with it, but I think you know what I mean. Like when you get so depressed and feel so alone, even though you know your friends will do anything to help you...the thought of burdening them makes it worse...but knowing there's someone, somewhere who understands that you're not a pessimist, you're not lazy, you're not a negative person. You're a human being with a disease that needs to get this stuff out and to be understood.

tlcgiver2006

3/12/08 1:12am

Ladies, there is no doubt in my mind that each of us dealing with this horendous disease feel like or have felt like you do. How do we get out of the quagmire of gloom? There are so many things that we cannot express openly and honestly and yet without doing so we are predetermining our fate with the very disease we suffer from. Sharing it, purging it, dumping it, typing it, screaming it, all of that and more help us a) release the negativity and b) find solace in the fact that we are not alone in or disease.

I get very afraid of my frenzied thoughts at times when I'm depressed so I have to force myself to get busy and get out of my "poor me s". Sometimes I clean a messy drawer, scrub the tub, plant some flowers, watch tv movie or fall asleep. No matter what I do to distract myself the feeling is destined to return. It is my responsibility to NOT allow it to consume me. That is easier said than done.

Please know #1 YOU ARE NOT ALONE. #2 YOU CAN BRING ABOUT CHANGE IN YOURSELF GRADUALLY OVER TIME. #3 NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, there's always someone somewhere who can relate to what you think and feel.

As far as financial help. Go to your local United Way Agency and you will get free and/or subsidized counseling. 12-Step support groups may offer you a place to go and learn, also for free. Talk to your Pastor or a trusted teacher. Most important don't give up, a problem(s) shared is cut in half.

I know that God hears our prayers, I pray that He continue to provide us one another for comfort in our time of need.

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!

Stephanie Green

3/13/08 7:47pm

If you need someone to talk to call us. www.anotherlifefoundation.org. Ask for a mentor.

JENNIFER TURNER

3/15/08 10:21am

HI, I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I WAS SO DEPRESSED 2 YEARS AGO, THAT WHEN I WENT TO MY DR. TO GET MY MEDS. REFILLS, SHE ASKED ME HOW I WAS AND I JUST HAD A MELT DOWN. TEARS IN MY EYES, IT STUNNED ME AND HER. I ALWAYS WAS SMILING...WELL, YOU CAN SMILE AND STILL SUFFER DEPRESSION. SHE LISTENED TO MY STORY, MOST OF IT WAS ABOUT MY HUSBAND, WHO IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME AND HAS BEEN THROUGH OUT OUR 45 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. HE HAS TO BE IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING....WHEN I REBEL AND DO SOMETHING WITHOUT ASKING HIM , HE GOES INTO A RAGE. WELL, TELLING YOU ALL THIS WONT HELP YOU, BUT, PLEASE E-MAIL ME ANYTIME YOU WANT TO. I ONLY HAVE THIS PLACE TO SPILL MY GUTS TO, I DONT TELL OUR FAMILY, THEY HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS. HANG IN THERE, AND TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.....JENNIFER

Can I get out?

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