About four years ago I met a remarkable and stunning younger woman as I was going through a divorce after 17 years of marraige. After the divorce we by chance met again and renewed our friendship ...then a relationship. She is the finest person I have ever met, one of those great hearts you run into just a few times in life. During our years as boyfriend and girlfriend she had 4 bouts with depression from 2-4 months long. She becomes socially imobile, afraid of people and driving. She can barely deal with her beloved aunts. It's pretty clear whats wrong with her as she has had huge abadonement issues with her father and a lifetime of emotional abuse from both parents. She is still in daily contact with her mother...and is very attached to her.
My wife...yes I married her a year ago. Has tried medication and doesn't trust it. I can't blame her. She is very averse to therapy and the mental health community as a whole. It's super hard to move her forward. She had a very bad experience with therapists that burned her good on the mental health community...I won't go into it but trust me on that one. It has been tragic ...horrifying to see her with fits and starts on her college and career....yet she has no plan for recovery. I am trying again and again for years to get her to excercise and talk with friends....but she hides out of shame.
I have had a nervous breakdown over this and continue to plug on...hoping.
Help.
A
Armando,
Without a doubt you care deeply for the woman you love. With that concept in mind in reverse what would she want for you -- only the best. Taking care of yourself first allows her peace of mind of knowing that you in fact are happy, healthy, and living your life. While this may sound selfish and/or difficult to implement, it's imperative that you take the focus of her and put it back on yourself.
As a person who lives with depression and I have had 4 bad episodes in 10 years each last 3 to 6 months. I have found the best thing for me is to monitor my own behavior and implement change. A daily log of the things appreciate each day keep me from getting bogged down. A simple list, my daughter wanting a hug, the beautiful day to work in my garden (It's cathartic for me to dig, weed and then plant -- what symbolism for my daily living!), the constant companion and connectivity with my dog who provides me unconditional love...you get the idea. It allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other because when God doesn't deliver me the someone to love me and I them, when the bills are tough to pay, when I get rejected and/or lose a job, those things weigh heavy on me. Looking at that list allows me to see that "today is no different from yesterday" the blessings still abound.
The other aspect is to keep a running list of my talents. I'm an articulate, sensitive writer (hopefully you can sense that). I am now able to identify my feelings where a decade ago, I could not. I am intelligent and diverse in my knowledge base, but sometimes that is not recognized by others (what others think of me, is none of my business -- it's what God thinks of me and my behavior that counts most. I am accountable to Him, regardless of the circumstance.) That accountability recognizes that 1) He created me 2) He created me with a purpose 3) He created me to be happy, joyous & free as well as sad, intense, & overbearing at times. 4) He provided me a vessel in which to inhabit on this earth and it is my responsibility to care for that vessel until He calls me home to an even more joyous life. Taking inventories of me, not others, helps me focus on concentrate on the next thing.
A) Without a doubt, being overwhelmed is one of the key things I deal with.
B) Wanting to do things perfectly paralizes me.
C) My expectations often times need to be adjusted to more realistic levels.
D) My perspective is often so me focused that it is not realistic.
I soar when in relationships because someone believes in me when I can't find the where with all to believe in myself. Relationships allow me feedback on what is reality and what is misperceived. A helping hand helps me eat the elephant one bite at a time rather than seeing it as something that will never happen because it's so huge. Those who truly love me and know me realize I my desire to do things just right and when it's simply 'good enough' they redirect me. These are the things I look for in a relationship, not chronic care giving from another to do what I cannot. I have responsibilities as a human being to encourage myself to LET IT BEGIN WITH ME.
Seeing that there are tools needed to cope with daily living and then learning how to use them followed by which tool to grab at which time all help me sustain myself. If someone does that for me, they strip me of the dignity of learning for myself. Likewise, if I giveup, I'm not showing others how much I love them.
I hope this helps with some perspectives. Take care of you first, then and only then are you healthy enough to help those you hold dearest.
j
Lynda,....thank you so much for your excellent and viable suggestions and idea.
Best,
Armando