I Should Win An Oscar

By di12381 Sunday, July 05, 2009

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I should win an oscar, my act is so good. On the outside, I project hardworking, easygoing and happy, when in reality I am not.

I feel this dull ach inside of me, of the pain. The loneliness, the self hatred, the self conciousness, it is a constant pounding in my head. I believe I had some form of deppression for about 15 years, though my innocence at time, kept it from being fully realized.

I will be 28 later this year and I am fully concious of how precious life is and how much I am letting life pass me by. I know the fear is only in my head and I have made small steps to conquer my fears and my self hatred, but it is not enough, it never feels enough.

I want to live life to the fullest, I want to be able to date and one day have children, I want to be able to have friends, but until I can conquer this self hatred, there is no way I will be able to move on with my life.

Comments (9) | Add comment

psychoward1

7/ 5/09 5:52pm

It is good that you have come to the realization of needing help. Now that you have recognized the necessity for treatment you need to follow thru with the recommendations that society provides. No one should have to feel the way you do.

Recommended treatment options:

1.Counseling/therapy.

2. Medications.

Pat

di12381

7/ 5/09 5:56pm

I am in therapy, but I have not been able to see my therapist in several weeks.

psychoward1

7/ 5/09 6:31pm

I say this with compassion and understanding because I have been there. It is your responsibility to get the help that you need. Only you can make it happen.

Pat

LyraStorm

7/ 6/09 6:53am

It's kind of funny - part of me wants to congratulate you for managing to keep the act up so long - I feel to pieces at 20 and my act went with me... but at the same time it might be hindering your ability to get better. You need to be who you are, even if you don't like it at first...

I hope you can find a reliable therapist to talk to soon because only when you face up to your issues can you move past the way you clearly want to.

depression/c/913903

7/ 6/09 2:07pm

I haven't read your whole posting, so I will see what the rest of what you wrote.

Merely Me, Health Guide

7/ 6/09 5:03pm

Hi there

This was so beautifully and honestly written. I believe that many of us who have depression can relate to those feelings of self hatred. But...I have come to understand that the self loathing is an illusion from the depression. If you can...don't listen to those deep rooted messages. You are worthy...you are good...and you deserve a good life and to be happy.

You have done some work to realize what is holding you back. This is much of the battle.

This is a good start.

Where do you feel these messages come from? How did the self hatred begin? These are things you can explore with your therapist.

I am so glad you have come here and I hope we can be of support to you. Please keep writing and sharing...we are listening.

C1audia23

7/ 8/09 12:49pm

Hello all!

I have joined this discussion not because I suffer from depression but because my boyfriend does and it is tearing our relationship apart. I do not understand how a person can be so loving and then turn into such a monster, I feel as if I am the only one that he acts out with. Could it be because I am the only one that knows he suffers from depression? I dont know, maybe some of you can answer that for me. Before I found out about his depression we broke up every 2-4 months, since I found out about his depression we have been together for 8 straight months without breaking up. He started therapy and medication in February and had not had an episode since April (that one was minor), this episode he is going through is worse and is going on its 3rd week. I guess I am just looking to vent and to understand why I am being treated this way, I was crying the other day and he would let out chuckles and then he would tell me he didn't know why he was laughing. Where does the love go when you are depressed? I know he will get better soon, these episodes don't usually last long but I am not sure how many more episodes I can take. It is especially frustrating when I dont get a kiss or my hand held, I could be feeling bad (physically) lately and he doesn't even send me text message during the day to check up on me. When he is fine he is so loving an attentive. We are supposed to move in together August 1st and I am even afraid to bring that up because I feel like he doesn't care and will tell me no to then change his mind when he feels better. Ugh! This is so frustrating!!! Please help

!!!

di12381

7/ 8/09 8:41pm

I think that he needs help, and you need to evaluate if moving in with him is the best thing. I had a friend who had a boyfriend who was deppressed the relationship became abusive. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you and let him heal.

cherke55

7/12/09 2:40pm

I understand the anger part of the depression... And being in depression myself, you need to step back until he heals. I think all of us would feel horrible if you were terribly hurt during one of these episodes. We do need support, but group therapy and a therapist with meds is what he needs. Hopefully his family gives him support. You take care of yourself.

I Should Win An Oscar

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