This really is a good topic, Deborah.  My parents were emotionally and physically abusive.  I've never been able to feel much love for them, although I can muster up some compassion, but it feels like every time I am "nice" to them it's out of guilt or obligation.  I did cut off all contact from them for nearly a year when I started therapy and, believe me, my siblings were not happy because they got the backlash.  My therapist and I had met with them before I did it so that they would know what was going on, but they couldn't even acknowledge that any abuse went on, let alone talk about it.  My mother would write these tearful letters at times saying she didn't know what they'd done, I'd never been abused, etc., but when I told her that I wanted to spend the next holiday with them and restore the relationship, she wrote back and said she wasn't sure she wanted to.

My mother is a a true narcissist and my dad a rageaholic, although that has tempered over the last few years, but the narcissism just gets worse and worse.  I keep my distance - for example, they don't know the names of most of my friends - and I didn't even tell them when my son attempted suicide.  They don't know I'm still in therapy and that's just fine.  I hate family get-togethers, especially when they're at their house.  They live in Florida all winter but I hear continuous whining about how I never come down there to visit.  My husband sometimes observes their toxic behavior when I don't, that's how used to it I am.

I do think it's important to have some kind of boundaries and to reject the judgments put upon you by them as they keep arising.  It is definitely not easy, even if everyone else in your life thinks you're a good person, etc.  How strong that tie is!  I know it's not possible to be perfect parents, but I hope I haven't inflicted anything like that on my sons.  I didn't realize how much anger that left me with, that I'm steal dealing with.  I'm hoping to feel some relief when they're gone, sad to say.