A Tale of Two Photos

It is so affirming, altho so sad to identify with you. I, too, am angry about my mere existance thru my childhood.  I have few memories of my childhood, but I do remember as a teen, my nightly prayer was that I'd die during the night.  I thought it was a common teen emotional state.  I was raised to "get over it" be it a stomach ache, scraped knee, sadness or anger.  My mother told me it would pass.  The only person who could express anything other than happiness was my father.  So I held it all in, and of course it ate away at me.  I wasn't diagnosed with depression until I was in my 40's.  I rarely tried to get anything for myself.  I was the only one of my siblings who didn't go to college.  I didn't think I was smart, and I'd just probably have 6 kids and be a mother & wife, like my mother.  It's not what I wanted,(I didn't know what I wanted) that's just what I expected from life.  I responded to anyone who showed affection for me; I never tried to get someone.  Like you, I wonder who could I have been if I wasn't depressed and had loving and supportive parents.  Thank you so much for your willingness to share yourself.     Jan

Hi Deborah,

 

Thanks for sharing your story.  It really touched me. 

 

I soon realized that I, too, had been depressed from as long as I can remember.  As with you, it affected my entire life.  It turned me into a recluse and affected my educational pursuits, career choices and contributed to a couple of bad marriages.  I am lucky enough, now, to be married to a great guy and have three children, all grown, from my first marriage.  I regret not having done more with my life.  I recently took early retirement from a clerical and mundane job I had held for many years.  I do have a degree, which is worthless, in sociology, so I wound up working in clerical positions throughout my lifetime.  My husband, who is a few years younger than me has a fullfilling career and may never retire.  I have almost no friends or social life, other than visiting with my kids and grandkids.  I do have a couple of dogs that I adore and an elderly mother living in a nearby retirement facility.  She's still feisty and as difficult as ever, and my being the only one to take care of her adds to my depression. 

 

Like you I, too, wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't had these emotional handicaps from early on.  I try, when I make a conscious effort, to focus on what I do have and not what could have been.  But it is and always has been a struggle. 

 

You are so young and could do so much with your life if you could get over the past.  I think you're on the right track. 

The best of luck to you.