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I have struggled for years with depression and medications, etc. My mother has always tried to be understanding and loving. Then 10 years ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After her surgery, when she was home recovering, I got a frantic phone call from her. I had to go to her immediately. Mom was experiencing a mood she had never had before. She asked me if this was what my life was like every day. When I responded with yes, she cried and asked me how I can make it through a day.
This was her actual one day of clinical depression, and it has helped us as mother/daughter in so many ways. She is my biggest champion now, and knows what to look for and what to ask if I seem out of sorts.
She is 72, and lives halfway across the US from me now, but she will always be watching out for me!
And I have to tell you the phrase that has been said to me several times:
"Oh go take a pill and everything will be just fine".
Devastating when it comes from a supposed "loved one".
THANK YOU!!! I was diagnosed with clinical depression 10 years ago, but I've probably had it since childhood (25 years). I'm currently in the "bottom of the barrel" swing and I've been TRYING to reach out to others (instead of suffering in silence). Oh boy! What a mistake! I've hear ALL of the things that you've listed and have two more....
-"Just pick yourself up by your bootstraps"; which implies that this is within MY control, as though I haven't tried HUNDREDS of times over the years.
-"Why don't you go for a walk and get some exercise?" Yeah...if there are days that I struggle to even shower and dress....what makes you think that I have the energy or the motivation to exercise?!?!
I am going to print a few copies of this off and keep them handy for the "well meaning" people :)
At the risk of sounding negative I really hate it when someone says these silly things to me. And one of those people is supposed to be my best friend. They always say something along the lines of "you're depressed because you let yourself be depressed" No kidding? So you're telling me all along I can just ask myself to please stop being depressed? What have I been doing all these years!!!?
A new spin on a classic school rule: "If you don't have anything constructive or useful or remotely thought out to say then say nothing at all."
I have been told by someone who I believed was someone who cared and wanted to help that I am "well and truly f***ed up" that I need to "grow up" when I told her I was not going to go to soccer training she asked why not and I responded with I didn't feel like going she responded with "do you have a broken leg, cos thats a valid excuse, not wanting to face the world isn't." "You need to start trying more, lying in bed is pointless" that "my 'shit' is currently not on the top of her list" I told her that I couldn't do this anymore she responded with "why not? cos you can't talk to me as much anymore. You should be going to therapy twice a week". that I am ''a just a bored attention seeker." She was the one person in this world that I thought I could trust and she helped me through stuff and she was someone that I wanted to stay here for, that was important to me. I told her the things she was saying were hurting me, she said she just couldn't win with me. I have been depressed for a while now and going to therapy for about 5 months now and next week I am going on anti depressants. I thought she would be here for me through this, and that I could lean on her because thats what she used to say. That leaning on her was good, and talking to her was good, that if I couldn't talk to anyone else I needed to talk to her, that it was important. I have told another friend who today after me telling her to google depression to see if she could try understand more just told me that "before you told me about having to go on the pills I thought you were just wanting attention, I get it now" She doesn't get it. No one does. This list of things you have written is great, people should really do some research before trying to help someone with depression, it's a serious thing and most people do not understand that. Lives are often on the line and people should understand that the things they say hurt and have a great effect and can cut even deeper while you are in that dark, dark place. If someone tells you that they are having suicidal thoughts, do not tell them to grow up and that they are screwed up. It does not help, what I would like is someone to ask is how things are, and to care enough to ask that simple question. Don't try to understand it, you can't. But be there, and when you make promises, keep them. If you say you will be there, be there. If you say you love them, love them. If you say that you will keep talking to them no matter what. Talk to them. Don't give up, because if you give up then the depressed person will fall deeper into that hole. People have no idea the effect they have on others.
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This is an excellent post. I have definitely felt this way too. The cliches do not help. I am guessing that people just don't know what to say or sometimes they are depressed themselves but they don't wish to be reminded.
I didn't realize you had MS. I do too. Small world.
I think most of us who have MS also suffer from depression. How did we get to be so lucky?
Nice to meet you and I will have to read more of you!
Hi Merely Me,
Thanks for stopping by!
I had depression way before MS, but I think anyone who has a chronic illness is prone to depression. Your life changes profoundly and usually not for the better.
Just wanted to say that I am a life long sufferer as well of depression. The Multiple Sclerosis was just something interesting to add to the mix.
Nice to meet you and I will definitely have to read more of you!