If you're involved with someone who's depressed, you've probably seen quite a few lists (including some that I've written) that tell you how to be supportive of your partner. And yes, these are a great idea, as the person who is depressed is in hell, plain and simple. However, you have to think about yourself too. Having a partner who's depressed can be frustrating and lonely. The person you look to for emotional support is, to a great extent, not there anymore.

I've been in two relationships with a partner who's depressed. In one case, the guy denied he was depressed. The other man admitted he was depressed but refused to get help. I ended up walking away from both relationships. It was apparent that nothing was going to change, and I had to move on. If you are in a better position, with someone who is open to treatment, you may decide to give the situation some time. In the meantime, you have to protect your own mental health. Here are some suggestions to help keep your partner's depression from becoming your own.

1. Don't take your partner's behavior personally, and don't take it to heart. If you're partner's rejecting you emotionally or sexually, or withdrawing, it's not due to something you've done or not done. Being depressed is almost like being possessed. The depression is the one in the driver's seat, and when you're depressed, sad and angry, you tend to lash out at those people who love you. On the other hand, if your partner is saying or doing hurtful things, you have a right to insist that that behavior stop. You don't need to be a punching bag.

2. Educate yourself about depression - its causes, the different types, the symptoms, and of course its treatment. If this is the first time that either of you have had to deal with depression up close, this is really important. And it's up to you, as the person who still has got it together, to do the research.

3. Be realistic about how much you can help your partner. You cannot cure the depression. You can't buy something, say something or do something that will make the depression go away. You can be supportive and understanding, which will be greatly appreciated at some point in the future when your partner recovers. But other than getting your partner to a doctor, there's nothing that you can do to make this go away.

4. Ask for help from family and friends. If your partner was physically ill, you probably wouldn't hesitate to ask - and people wouldn't hesitate to offer. When my husband had shoulder surgery, I got offers of help from family, friends and co-workers. But when your partner's depressed, it may not occur to others (unless they've been in your shoes) that the situation is similar; that you are likely taking on a greater share of the chores and childcare.

5. You're your partner's caregiver, especially if he or she is profoundly depressed. Caregivers need time off. You need to get away from the situation occasionally and do something just for yourself.