I experienced my first panic attack that I can think of.  But did it come from my thoughts or did stress from the previous couple weeks cause it. I hope someone can tell me.

I had returned from a trip to California. The trip in itself was part stressful and part joyful! I took this trip after I had been off of Wellbutrin for 10 weeks. I had weaned myself off of Wellbutrin and only used Xanax to get over the feeling of "rubbery, jelly feeling legs". I weaned myself off of Xanax also. So my only drug I used was Temazepam to help me sleep while hubby snored, but after 4 hours, the drug wore off enough that I couldn't stay in the same bed with him.  So I would retire to the couch. I use to get more relief when his work took him out of town for a week at a time. But now he is home more, but sleeps at different hours than me. So he watches TV when I'm trying to sleep. Since I can hear most anything and he can't, he wears earphones, but I'm so sensitive to sound I can hear it coming out of the ear phones. Ugh!

Then if I can't hear it, the light from the 32 HDTV on the wall, (a Xmas gift from my children) bothers me. Since then my one DR said to use an eye patch. Duh...never thought of that. Probably because I would feel claustrophobic.

Anyway, to add to that, my last child has Servers in the bedroom next to ours. He no longer uses it for a bedroom, and has moved downstairs. So this spare bedroom is useless to use to sleep in as it has normally...an air conditioner to keep the Servers cool...thus cool air also creeps into the rest of the house and cools it off.

Now the AC is broken and the window is left open to bring in whatever might come its way in. Thus, I feel lack of security...as well as pollen from anything growing in the springtime along with dusty dirt. So I don't get much sympathy from the Geek child nor DH. He sleeps just fine and doesn't suffer from depression, etc.

Okay, so with all that this entails, I decide to go to California for a relative's wedding. I grew up around there and was excited to go back. I traveled by vehicle that I drove and with a traveling companion, who I wasn't that well acquainted with to start out, but thought we had a few things in common to have a nice trip together.

Now I am 10 weeks out of not taking any anti-depressants, so I'm fairing well, although a bit anxious at times and feeling more pain in my wrists due to previous CTS and surgery, as well as occasional backache, neckache, etc.

Some aches from just overworking in the garden pulling weeds.

I'm also working on using supplements to keep me healthy, all the right vitamins, and food items. I don't drink or smoke and don't take anything with caffeine except for driving at night if needs be and that would be a soda pop.

I'm trying to lose weight that I feel came from anti-depressants and hand surgery recovery, etc. Probably the change in hormones as well.

The stress of packing was a bit hard, as in trips in the past I was slimmer, so I needed to pick what I felt good in and have the right outfits for Dress and casual activities. It was hard deciding what I would need. I had a lot of anxious feelings going on this trip as I wasn't going to someone's home or relative's. I was going to a hotel I didn't know exactly where it was and I was visiting some friends I hadn't seen since before my 15 1/2 year old son's suicide. I was slimmer then as well when that happened. So I was a bit anxious.

Anyway, the wedding part and visiting my relatives was great, there was some awkward parts with seeing an old friend and staying at her house. My traveling companion did some strange things or said some odd things that was just plain weird and I was like a Mentor to her or a big sister teaching her some manners or some things you just don't say in public.

Then I visited the Big City in CA and was lost and felt cultural  shock while there and not very friendly people in a city I knew while growing up to be friendly and kind. It is no longer like that. I also went by my old family home and saw how it had changed and it didn't look as big as it use to be. All so different.

Then I visited some high school beach stomping grounds and things had changed there somewhat. More to being not as safe of a community as it once was. I felt very unsafe where I was staying in a very old motel which pretty much was pretty grungy. Not in its Hey Day in the 1950's-60's, but it was close to the action on the beach. I found that my companion didn't have the same energy level as me, so combing the beach for sea shells or visiting tide pools was not her idea of a good time. Which was surprised after the talks about all this stuff before the trip it seemed it was.

I so wanted the experience of walking and enjoying much needed activity to destress and build up Serotonin Levels. BTW, I paid for everything on this trip, she just had to pay for her food. I would have gone on my own, but it was good to have another person to be there with me, even if we didn't do everything together or were much alike.

I discovered later that she used Lunesta and took some other meds at night and that explained some of her odd behavior as well as going to bed at 8:00PM and rising at 6:00AM. I was still unwinding at 11:00PM and she snored just a little bit. Plus the cheap motel we stayed at had the worst beds and the birds were chirping at 5:00AM which she couldn't hear because her meds caused her to sleep through it.

So needless to say, it was stressful....and I would fight the frustration the best I could.  Finally, we ended up in So Cal and ended up at the best hotel since our trip started. Best beds, jetted hot pool with a heated lap pool and the ocean right out our 3rd floor window balcony. I connected with one of my dearest friends I knew in high school and college and got together and had the best of times! It was so wonderful, I didn't want to leave the lodging or the company of my friend, whom I hadn't seen for about 30 years.  We both work in the same field of work. Although she was still working in it, I didn't need to and couldn't after my son's suicide.

I wanted to meet her husband, but I knew that my companion wanted to get back to her home. Where basically she lived with her parents and was criticized by them a lot and several family members. So I knew she had issues that gradually came out during this long trip.

Okay, well, I finished my trip seeing my other old friend again on the way back home. It was sad to see  her change, as she was losing her hearing and her husband had to be let go of his job due to health problems also.

So after this long trip of ups and downs, and traveling with someone that didn't understand suicide and a few other life's experiences I arrived home....to find out that my Geek child had packed up all my stuff in the TV room into rubbermaid bins, and packed them away in the garage. Then he packed up two book cases of books I use as reference along with a few photos and knick knacks so that he could put our wide screen TV on a TV stand on the floor. My shelves were blocking this. Then I find out he got rid of a beloved toy shelf, I once used for my Daycare and was presently using it for my sewing stuff. When I asked about it, he said it was "Gone", that was it. There was another person in the room.

Anyway, I was tired, stressed and then this child was going to have a young adult party come over to watch movies on this wide screen TV we had for some time, but I never used downstairs because it wasn't hooked to an antenna, you needed a computer or DVD player to use it.

So the space my shelving used to be, he put our sectional couch closer to the wall so that people could see the TV better. Plus he bought some extra sitting for his company.

I was devastated! As I have been having problems ever since my one son's death of having other adult children take it upon themselves to throw things out into the garbage.

Anyway, I was in mourning and probably was having a meltdown. Not much support from DH, then I got a mean letter on Mother's Day from this child at 4:00AM. I know this because I had my usual sleep issues with the snorer in my bed and went to the kitchen and found the 3 page typed mean letter from this child.

I tried to sleep after reading that letter and waited for the morning for my DH to read. Anyway, I didn't think I could function going to church after that, I did, but I was weeping most of the time. Then I took the letter to my Psychologist and he read it and talked about it with me. Then called my child to come in to see him.

My child had a different attitude and we were friends. But no apology. But a better attitude.

Anyway, this problem brought on more family members visiting the DR to help me get rid of stuff. Then I decided to get a massage, a Mother's Day Gift from another child.  This relaxed me and I felt really good, no pain at all. I was quite sleepy afterwards as well. My legs felt like lead almost, very heavy.

Anyway, the next day I went to see my Dr and he talked to me about getting rid of stuff and having others do it without me being there.  I didn't like that idea.

Then he mentioned something about a cat and a dog and how they aren't as important as people. I couldn't figure out what was his point or how he came to that conclusion.

So that night after that session, I went to bed, taking a hydrocodone and temazepam since I was feeling some neck ache from the massage, but I couldn't sleep through the night. I ruminated over the dog and cat thing, plus getting rid of "stuff", letting go of some dreams I had for my life, my back yard etc. I worried about if I could be capable of handling some of the relization of my dreams I dreamed of having. 

Anyway, I woke up tired and thought that I might just have pink eye and called the Family Dr to take a look at my eyes. The friend I first visited did have Pink Eye. So nothing was found, but he gave me a script for SOMA, a muscle relaxant.  I tried one that night, but it didn't do much for me but brought on some anxiety in the morning.

So later that evening when it was time for bed, and I had eaten just a few bits of food at different time periods during the day, I took my usual dose of Temazepam. I was near my couch and I felt really faint, as if I was going to pass out. I lowered my head on the couch and was  getting really scared! I thought, I better go to my husband, as this was really scary. So I told him to call 911. He persuaded me not too, for one thing our insurance had lapsed and we were in the process of getting in renewed.

So I had him call our family friend who was a family DR and ask him if I was in this condition because I had low blood sugar.  He could hear my comments and told DH I was hyperventilating and that is why my hands were tingling and I was feeling faint, besides that is what Temazepam does. But not quite like that, I would know!

Anyway, I was suppose to eat some complex carbohydrates, cheese, and bread. This was a bit hard. Also, some sprite, milk, etc. I was feeling sick and my stomach wanted to throw up the pill. Finally, I succumbed to that feeling.

Then right after I started to get intestinal spasms that were painful. I screamed in fear and pain, it was awful, then when the phone rang, I would be startled and scream again. The pain was unbearable, and my intestine would keep spasing. I worked on breathing into a bag and would just take the pain and work on calming down. Finally, I found that I had fallen asleep and I would have to adjust myself as I turned my body to sleep comfortably. There must have been enough Temazepam in me to settle me down. Also, I took some Alka Seltzer with aspirin that probably helped with the pain.

Everything to my mind seemed big. I felt my abs, they felt like huge bubbles or balls in my mind's eye.  I had weird dreams like the TV show LOST. It was so bizarre.

Then I moved to the couch in the LV to be alone, but I had started writing a log of my symptoms and how I was feeling and the meds I took etc. So that if anything happened, my DH would know what to tell the Drs, or anyone else. 

Now as I awoke from this, anxiety feelings were coming back. Trembling hands and creepy arms, cold and clammy feet, sickening feeling, and fear. That night I had called the DR on call and she told me that I'm not going to go into a seizure (my fear) and to wait for the DR's office to open up the next morning. I was full of anxiety, I called my Dr friend's wife in the morning since her DH was a partner or whatever to the Dr I saw the day before.

She said to take Benadryl. That was the worst thing, although it helped a bit, or maybe it was just the talking. I had the choice of going in to see my psychologist who would talk therapy me down or go to the family Doc I had already seen. I found out that the family Dr was waiting for me to come in but DH didn't catch that. So I went into see him first in my PJ's. He wanted me to go on Buspar. Then when he knew I had Xanax he told me to take them when I felt anxiety again.  I promised. 

Then I left there feeling better...the Benadryl was wearing off. Then I went to the psychologist and we talked about letting go of stuff and that anxiety won't kill me. I still was in pain from the intestinal spasms, which the Family DR checked me out for and could tell from examination that I was suffering from pain in my abdomen as I did have diahrea as well before.

So it wasn't all in my head. Something made me want to throw up the Temazepam as I usually don't have the reaction I did before in all the years I've taken it. Taking the Soma could have been part of the culprit. And ruminating about getting rid of my stuff was another theory.

Anyway, the rest of the story...after I saw my Psychologist, I went home feeling pretty good, but could feel some nervousness in my stomach. I not thinking took another Benadryl. Then I realized what I had done, and was getting a bit nervous. Then DH reminded me of taking the Xanax. I still had to call the on call Dr to be sure. He recommended I take a half of .5mg, but I stuck to 1/4 as I was chicken of upsetting my stomach.

I hated the feeling of feeling what this drug was doing to my body. I could feel each vessel changing, I guess opening up or relaxing. I then later took an anti-nausea pill and that did weird things to my brain, but I managed okay. Then I took another Xanax and then called the Dr in the morning and they told me to take a WHOLE pill 3 times a day. Well, that really helped me out and I slept like a log. I felt a bit weird, but I needed the rest after not much sleep previous nights.

I had to curtail my child's young adult movie watching time, since it would start late at almost midnite and continue through 4:00AM. I had to sleep in the LV on the couch still. One night DH gave me a break and slept on the couch. 

That was nice.

Anyway, that is my first panic attack and I don't want another. I'm reducing my Xanax as I feel better, until I see my Med DR hopefully tomorrow. I do see my Psychologist tomorrow morning. There should be a lot of discussion. He doesn't want me on tranquilzers, me either nor do I want to be on Wellbutrin as well.

Ivory

.

For the last five years I was in a relatioship where I was so fear of what my partner will do. He was a liar and used drugs so every time he will used drugs he will contact others woman and had phone sex with them. So, it was too much for me to handle it. I couldn't sleep, be relax or just enjoy a good night out be cause he was always trying to go to a "party".

My daughter during those year had a car accident and have a few little scarf on her face, but now, adon't know if it was from the car accident or from a traumatic encounter she had with a family member, but she developed schizofrenia. I feel so bad and hopeless because I can't help her and don't have insurance and the gobernant hospital don't want to give her medical even though she was born here in California. I don't have a good job. I can't even pay my mortgage and my car notes with the money I make. I have some traffic tickets that I can pay and my car lease ends on March.

My depression has increased and feel panic of what is going to happen in a few months. I feel like I have no scape and all I do is sleepas soon I come from work. So, I feel lonely, scare that soon I won't have a place to leave,no car and If I don't have a car... I can work because the job requires for me to have a car.

Now I take Lorazapam and It help  but my head keep on going and just feel depressed all day long! I don't have family here they live in other states.

Right now my stomach hurt, my chest is tide and have a headache.

Lynn

11/28/10 8:39pm

I am sorry for your situation. I would suggest maybe stay with a friend, so you can save money, get on your feel and keep your car. I have some of the same issues, I try to pray daily, I have some good church friends as well. It slows my mind down.

I try to find a bright spot in all the bad.

 

Take care