My last day of work will be next Friday. I been working for 8 months. It's the first time I've worked in 15 years. I will miss the people and the opertunity to be social. I worry about lack of oppertunity to socialize. I am going through a tough time right now. My life seems to be going in a million different directions. One of my sons is behaving like a teenager, but he is 14. We have an in home councler involved in our situation due to the teenager. We have a outsourced councler involved in our life. We even have a marriage councler helping with things. Right now I feel so vunerable because everyone knows my stuff. I have been in a controling and emotionally abusive relationship with my husband for 15 years. With all these professionals in my life I've began to open up. It is the first time really letting people know whats going on. It is quite difficult. I fear my husbands reactions to what might be said. I fear someone will confrount him and he'll become angry with me. I'm afraid to defy anything he says. He hates me using the computer, so it is 11:30 at night and I'm afraid he'll wake up and bitch because I'm using the computer and not in bed with him. I feel an extreme amount of stress. I don't know if it is from the newness of hearing the truth spoken and the newness of opening up for the first time. What ever it is I do not like it and I feel like I need to let someone know. Eventhough no one can do anything about it, it seems to help just having somewhere to leave it. So hopefully I can leave it here and at the feet of the Lord and not continue to carry it with me. Thank You for listening and If anyone has a responce I'd be glad to here it.
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I've been in a pretty similar place where you are. I was scared to death of my husband's anger, of anybody's anger, and had just shut down my whole emotional life. Our two sons presented problems with depression, I was depressed - it was a mess. I am glad to hear you're in couples therapy - that is the place right now to speak your piece and voice your fears about repercussions for doing so. It helped us tremendously. It took a lot of work and therapy, but I finally could start believing that I had a right to my own feelings and opinions and nobody else owned me. I still struggle with it, I have to say, but you're getting there. Stick with it. You don't have to live in fear, nor should you tolerate it.
I'm not sure I subscribe to the belief that God doesn't give us more than we can handle - I think somebody made that up, but I do believe a connection with God can certainly help us. He gave us all a free will and sometimes we are on the receiving end of somebody else's free will. But we can use our own free will to deal with it. Your husband does not own you, you deserve to live in freedom. Sometimes the problems with the kids arise as a result of the problems between the parents and it's a blessing in disguise because things get addressed that otherwise wouldn't. I wish you all the best and hope you will feel free to write here any time. Take care.
I just read a post that made my heart melt to know I am not alone. To know someone understands brought me to tears. Certinly not what I expected. I guess I've got a lot of pent up hurt. Thank you Judy for you kind and insightfull responce. God Bless
Honey