It's me again. It seems all I ever do is ask ask ask. But I'm lost lost lost. I simply do not know what to do in my relationship with my husband. We've been together for 18 years in June. There has been so much neglect, and emotional abuse I am having a very hard time forgiving. 15 years of our relationship has been hellish. My husband has gone for days at a time without speeking or eating. He would sleep for days on end. THat has happened a few times in our 15 years. With 3 kids to take care of and being unemployed it was very scary. We (the kids and I) did with out heat in the winter, wandering where our next meal was coming from, not having clean drinking water or clean water to bathe in, all while my husband was either oblivious or did not care because we were left at home to indure the hardships of life in an old farmhouse. He went to work every day and worked late so he didn't have to live like we did. I guess I have a little resentment there. We now live in a new house. Clean water and light swithches amazing things.
There has been a lot of emotional abuse. Yelling at me, controlling me, name calling, treating me like one of his kids. I have a terrible walking on eggshells feeling. I hate it when he comes home. I dread trying to please him. I still can't go anywhere without his knowledge, I can't use the computer when he is around, I can't make phonecalls without playing 20 questions.
The delema is this: He started taking Luvox for OCD and PTSD, depression and Bipolar issues. It came down to you ge see a phychyatrist or I will not stay. To keep our family together he did go. We are also seeing a marriage councler. I hate to walk away when things have the potential to change directions. But It is so hard to stay. I don't know if relationships reach a point of no return as far as love and working things out go. I feel like I may have gone beyond that point. To much damage has been done to rebuild what once was. I told my husband I'm trying to hang on. If someone can be married against here will, over come age differences and be complet strangers and fall in love over time (like someone in another country) Then surely I can learn to love you again. I/we have memories and children together. It's just incrediably difficult. Eventhough we are seeing a marriage councler, the councler understands my fear and hesitation to be upfrount about some of our issues. Things may go well in the office but what about when we get home. A few things have cameup that caused hard feeling in the office and resurfaced at home. I am fearful. And don't want to get into another heated hurtful discussion about anything. He has never hurt me or put his hands on me. He has done alot of damage but none of it can be seen. It's emotinal not physical. I just don't know what to do and I'm so very tired. I'm just mentally and emothinally drained. I just want to lay down and cry. I'm so alone, so tired, so empty, I just don't know what to do. I don't know if anyone can help me but just having a safe place to express myself that my husband does not know about is a huge help. Thank you for providing that and always responding back. It means alot to me to be heard and understood not judged .
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Honey, I can't imagine what it must feel like to be living like this, although I grew up in an abusive home and do remember a lot of that. Anyway, I'd like to recommend that you look at a blog called Storied Mind, written by John Folk-Williams. He's lived with depression for years and has written extensively about his own experiences, including how it affected his marriage. He has an e-book out now, too, as well.
If you think if there is any hope that your husband will get better and he is making an effort to do so, maybe continuing with your couples therapy will eventually help you get to a better place. If you're afraid of repercussions at home because of what you say in those sessions, you need to SAY that in the sessions and call him on it. You will never feel safe there if you don't. The therapist should be supporting you in this and you should be able to call him/her if the situation ever becomes unsafe at home. Breaking the silence is the best thing, even though I know it's hard, very hard. Living in fear, though, is no way to live and it sounds like either this has to work or you won't be staying with him - lay it out on the table.
I'm glad writing here helps and don't be afraid of asking for help - we've all been there at one time or another. Take care.