I just finished school. It took me five years to get myself well enough to go back. It was really rough, full-time was too much for me, I almost didn't make it through, but I finished, I graduated last week... I made it!
But now I just want to be left alone. I just want peace. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what I'm ready to do, I just don't really feel up to anything. But people are asking what I'm going to do now, they're telling me how far I've come, and I just don't want to have to disappoint anybody. How often I just wish that there weren't so many people who loved me and cared about me... how much easier it would be to just not succeed.
I've always put on this facade of being high performance. This is how people know me. They haven't known me in my deepest darkest hours. Most of them don't know that I've spent months in hospitals and shelters and been in therapies and on disability for all these years.
I've been finished school for 1 week and I've already had a job interview. It's not bad, I was able to set my limits, I asked for part-time only, I refuse to start before August - I need a break. I didn't even go looking for a job, they came after me. The same day I finished school, I've been hounded to clean my apartment... they come check on me twice a week to make sure I've made some headway. If I don't, they're threatning to send me to the hospital.
My mom, my friend, they both want me to go away on trips with them. I had two friends from high school who called me today. I haven't heard from them in years. How do I tell them that the girl they knew, the one who got all the scholarships and finished first of class ended up accomplishing less than any of them? I feel like a hypocrite when she's talking about an old friend of ours who battling depression right now and she's calling her a "ditz" and says all she has to do is let go of the past and see what she's got right now. It's not that simple! But I'm not going to start telling her my life story when she's got this kind of attitude...
I just want a bed right now. Not necessarily to sleep or to die, I just want to lie down, somewhere quiet, where there's absolutely NOBODY I know, no one I feel I'm letting down, no one to ask questions or who gives a hoot about me. I just don't want to be bothered. I just want to be left alone... but I can't stand being alone. 
Dear Freesia,
I just read your story and I can relate to a lot of it. I've been on disability for 4 years. I used to be a happy person but I don't know what changed me. My parents both died and a good friend of mine died. I think this has been a factor in my depression. I give you credit for at least trying to work part time. I'm so afraid to try. I cry alot and I worry that I'll cry during a job interview. I understand completely that you just want to be alone and at the same time you are lonely. Its a horrible feeling and how do we change that feeling. You know what also is difficult, unless you experience depression yourself, no one undstands. I'm sure you'll agree. Please write to me anytime. Susan (age 50)