Why is it so hard to swallow the pill?

I'm not talking about the cocktail I take morning and night... I mean this more in the sense of facing reality. I can't go to my mom's, I'm there 1 hour and I'm already feeling like steam is blowing out my nose; three days pass and I'm exhausted, drained.

I get home, I don't feel any better. Here, I have to face everyone. Being alone makes the heat feel so much hotter. I'm so short tempered, I feel bad for my poor cat. I don't want to leave the shelter of my four walls but I don't want to be trapped in this prison. But really, the prison isn't within the walls of my apartment, the cell is actually much smaller, I remain confined to my own body, my own brain. There's no escape. None. Zero, zip, zilch...

It's funny that I'm dressed in black and white today because that's exactly how I feel. I never know which it will be, moment by moment I simply wait for events, circumstances, and play it from there. If it turns white, then that's great! But when it's black... it sure is dark in here. But even the white is too bright usually. It's no wonder I always have a headache!! I either get blinded by the glare or have to strain to see anything. I guess I'm doomed if I do and doomed if I don't.

Work. That's such a funny word. Contradicts itself really. How can you work at something that doesn't work? I don't work, I'm broken, so why work on me? Why have I spent all these years working on me if it's simply going to bring me back to starting point? Why build the bridge if it will collapse?

I'm not ready so show off my scars nor am I willing to expose them to the world. I have my pride, probably too much of it. Why did it always have to be a secret too? I mean, isn't it life obviously hard enough for your 10 year old when she's running away from home and threatning to kill herself, that parents have to go and complicate it because of conflicts between them. If your child needs help, give him/her the help they need for goodness sake's! Don't go telling them that you'll send them to see somebody but they can't tell anybody, not even their father and their brother; don't tell them to lie about where they're going, who they're seeing... and DON'T tell them that if they ask someone to be their friend, everything will be alright! Don't assume everything if fine because they put a smile on their face, get good grades, and are well behaved. When you assume, you make an a-s-s out of u and m-e.

It's no wonder I'm ashamed! It's no wonder I'm screwed up! I'm not saying it's my parents' fault, it's not, they did the best they knew how with what they had then... now my life's my responsibility, my mess is my own fault.

I'm sorry, but I just can't swallow the pill. I CANNOT accept that I have been on disability since I've been 19, that is NOT how I want to live my life.