Why does something always have to "happen"?

Can't you just feel lousy, can't you just want to destroy yourself, without anything happening? Why is it that when you're not feeling well, the first thing people asked is what happened? What happened is my life... that's what. Just makes me really mad that people, especially mental health professionals, haven't yet understood that a person can just be screwed up, period. Why does something bad or stressful absolutely have to happen? But I guess that if you haven't been there, you can't really understand.

Isn't it my right to destroy my life if that's what I want to do? But if that's what I'm aiming at, why is it so hard to do? Why am I so guilt-ridden, so torn? I don't want to lose my job... it's such a great work environment, I know I'm not going to find that again. I'm getting my first pay check tomorrow - it's too soon to end up in the hospital without putting the position on the line. And I don't want to lose my apartment, I know living with someone simply wouldn't work. And my cat, she derserves so much better than me... I don't want to lose her though. She doesn't derserve to be constantly yelled at and smacked around, but I love her, I really do, I just can't help it.

I just don't have anybody to talk to anymore. I don't really know what I'd say if I did, but just knowing that that's not available to me like it was before makes it that much harder. So anyways, I may be staying at the crisis centre again for a while... we'll be evaluating my needs tomorrow. I guess that's a good thing, it sure is a nice alternative to the hospital. Only, they can't prescribe anything to make me sleep better. My "new" psychiatrist is on vacation and I may not be seeing her for 2-3 months anyways. I made an appointment with my GP today, but that's not until mid-September. I can't go on like this until then. I'm so exhausted. I can't stand the nightmares anymore. I can't take being confused and disoriented all the time. The days are already too long and every hour I can't sleep just makes the torture last even longer and makes the next day's torture that much worse.