Can't you just feel lousy, can't you just want to destroy yourself, without anything happening? Why is it that when you're not feeling well, the first thing people asked is what happened? What happened is my life... that's what. Just makes me really mad that people, especially mental health professionals, haven't yet understood that a person can just be screwed up, period. Why does something bad or stressful absolutely have to happen? But I guess that if you haven't been there, you can't really understand.
Isn't it my right to destroy my life if that's what I want to do? But if that's what I'm aiming at, why is it so hard to do? Why am I so guilt-ridden, so torn? I don't want to lose my job... it's such a great work environment, I know I'm not going to find that again. I'm getting my first pay check tomorrow - it's too soon to end up in the hospital without putting the position on the line. And I don't want to lose my apartment, I know living with someone simply wouldn't work. And my cat, she derserves so much better than me... I don't want to lose her though. She doesn't derserve to be constantly yelled at and smacked around, but I love her, I really do, I just can't help it.
I just don't have anybody to talk to anymore. I don't really know what I'd say if I did, but just knowing that that's not available to me like it was before makes it that much harder. So anyways, I may be staying at the crisis centre again for a while... we'll be evaluating my needs tomorrow. I guess that's a good thing, it sure is a nice alternative to the hospital. Only, they can't prescribe anything to make me sleep better. My "new" psychiatrist is on vacation and I may not be seeing her for 2-3 months anyways. I made an appointment with my GP today, but that's not until mid-September. I can't go on like this until then. I'm so exhausted. I can't stand the nightmares anymore. I can't take being confused and disoriented all the time. The days are already too long and every hour I can't sleep just makes the torture last even longer and makes the next day's torture that much worse.
To day my mother told me about my sister whom is going to start nursing school. She is so proud of her and so am I. But when I wanted to start medical asst. training oh no I would never make it. I was just wasting my time. Every time I wanted to do something I put down and told I would never make it. I let this be how I started see my self. I thought I had put this all behind me, but my mother had to bring it up to me again. I felt so lost. I cried the whole time I was taking my youngest daughter to work. Bless her heart, she just sit there and listen to me. This how my life has been form the beginning. Living with my mom is hard, but I will not let it keep me down and I have to listen to Joyce Myers she says " we need to thew out the words : I just can't do it." She is right about this and will I need to stop looking at my past and start over. We will always be here for you. She as a book call Beauty for ashes. It is how she was in this same kind of problems. It is a great book. I love to listen to her because she makes me laugh out loud every time. Please remember we do care and we are here for each other. God bless you for being honest about how you feel. Sometimes people just don't listen let a lone care.