I hate it!

I hate myself.

I hate life.

I hate hating.

I hate this.

I can't go on like this... I can't "tough" it out anymore. But I have no choice - this is the life that was given to me and I have to right to take it away. "Thou shalt not murder" Killing myself would be a form of murder. So that is not an option. I don't want to give up what I have, don't want to ruin it or jeopordize it, but it can't stay like this. I can't endure my life as it is. I try taking it one moment at a time - hoping, praying, the next moment will be better, and sometimes it is... but it's not a better moment often enough to re-energize me, to make me hopeful, to make me believe it's all worth it. The torment in my heart, the confusion in my head, the pain in my body, the lies in my voice, and the tears in my eyes will take me down. I don't know where they will lead me - but surely not somewhere I want to go. I don't have the energy to go on, not like this. What are my options? I can continue to neglect myself until someone decides to take care of me and end up spending my life in a group home or going from shelter to shelter, but that's not really what I want. I can see my doctor, get myself to be over-medicated, going through life like a zombie, not feeling anything, but that won't bring me any more joy. I can continue to hoard meds in hope that one day I will have the courage to take just enough, but hell will only be an enternal prolongation of what I'm enduring right now, so that won't solve anything. I can destroy myself, left myself wither away, not care... but there are too many people who care about me and won't let me do that, I guess that's a good thing. I don't know what to do, I can't think anymore, I don't have the energy to keep on fighting, to keep on hoping, to keep on trying. I'm exhausted, I have nothing left in me.